Why I’m Not Going Gray
I’m not neurotic about it or anything, but I do think about my hair often. Not because I love it but because it’s always a struggle. Baby fine, poker straight, and thinning is not an easy combo. Toss in the “to gray or not to gray” question and there’s more to consider.
What I Know to be True About Gray Hair
Our natural coloring softens as we age. Eye color lightens, natural lip color fades, and our skin loses its vibrancy. As a result, we have less contrast between our features and our hair. The stark contrast of very dark hair can make wrinkles appear deeper, which makes you look older.
Going gray or silver is a choice many women struggle with. It’s all the rage to go natural these days. Of course, hair color companies aren’t suffering because there’s just as many of us who choose to cover our gray than not.
Salt and pepper hair has always been one of my favorite looks. There’s something about the contrast of colors that I find beautiful. Sadly, that’s not a look I will ever get because my hair is too light. I always wanted to be a brunette…go figure.
I’ve written about my hair here, here, and here, pondering the gray question more times than not. When I make a plus and minus list for going gray, in my case silver, the minuses far outweigh the plusses.
Why I’m Not Going Gray
- My blonde is ashy and taupe. Coloring my hair adds body which is why when I started with highlights at 15, I never looked back.
- Adding lowlights gives my hair dimension and helps it look thicker.
- The truth is, I don’t have enough silver coming in so it looks mottled, patchy and drab.
- I don’t need to lighten my hair to flatter my softening features because it’s already pale.
- I really do look older with silver hair. I amĀ
oldseasoned but I don’t want to look older than I need to.
Dishwater blonde hair worked on my younger face but it’s not flattering now. I’ve toyed with the idea of going platinum but I’d need to wear it very short because of the damage the bleach would cause. I don’t look good in short hair. Been there done that in my 30’s and it was not my finest moment.
I love the look of gray and silver hair, just not on me, yet.
Did you decide to go gray?
Thanks for reading and have a great day.
I’m 60 with natural platinum blonde hair. I do not color my hair and have not in several years, but that was only after discovering that I was no longer a Chestnut brunette after many years of coloring. I “allowed” myself to transition to lighter and lighter highlights as my natural hair grew out until such a time I didn’t have to even do that. Now, my hair is simply shiney, flowey, healthy, and who’d of thought…platinum! Not an ounce of color added. I wore more makeup before with my dark hair than I do now. Today, it’s moisturizer, mascara and blush and I’m out the door. My hair is shoulder length and slightly wavy. I’m still in shock!
I also meant to add, I touched up twice at three week intervals before the 8-9 week full session. I used Clairol root touch up which I recommend. They should have invented it years ago!
Turning 60 in 3 months, I have been coloring, highlight & low lighting my hair for about since Sep 1997 22 years. Originally a very dark brunette my thick long hair has been one of my signature features. My stylist and I have been together for about 15 years and she’s always done a fine job, Each visit has been about 8-9 weeks apart, 3 hours long and $150 each time totaling $32,445! I have a successful professional career in both corporate America and in non-profits. I thought Iād continue coloring until I retired at 65.
I have always considered this a worthwhile investment and have no regrets as I started getting white/silver/gray in my 30ās as did my sister who chose to let her natural color come in almost immediately. My maternal grandmother was pure white by 30 ā her hair was amazing!
As I got progressively more white over the years, I started going a shade light each year so the āskunkā line would be less and less visible. This has been about 10 yearsā time or so, and I recommend this strategy.
All this to say, I completely changed my mind after my last full session hair color visit on Nov 21, 2018. My hair stylist left the highlighting on for too long while we were talking. I started losing a lot of hair in the shower. I mean a lot. Scalp started showing through. By Christmas I looked like I was balding. By new Yearās I knew I had to make a monumental New Yearās resolution.
I decided I would rather have natural thick white/silver/gray hair than sparse colored hair with my scalp showing through. I promised my husband I would not cut my hair short and have maintained at shoulder length during this transition. I talked with my sister, aunt and mom to learn more about their experience and ask for their support. I told my four closest colleagues at work and asked for their support as well.
On January 2, 2019 I took the day off to see my hairstylist and explained my decision. She thought weād have about a yearās worth of transition time with strategic highlighting to blend in the natural color. I did two of those min-sessions and am dropping it. I want my hair texture to be healthier.
It was a real treat to go get a good trim about a month ago at stylist closer to my house. It was $35 and I was in and out, including a blow dry, in under a half hour!!!
The transition is going pretty well, I get a lot of compliments with people saying they like how the silver goes with my complexion. I work in a public university setting for the last five years and feel it is a better setting for natural color. My eyebrows are still dark (although) thinning so I make sure to wear mascara and lip stick every day. I recently got a compliment from a student biking along the street who called out and said ālove your hairā and kept on going!
Love your column, Jennifer – keep up the good work and great dialogue. Thanks for helping all of us.
I’m growing out my colored hair.
I began to notice that when I get on a bus or subway car that young men were always offering me their seats. I began to think, “who am I fooling with this hair?” Truthfully, I always wear a hat when I commute so nobody could see my hair anyway. My face, my body, my expensive/comfortable shoes — they all give my years away.
So I quit dying. When I’m finally done growing out it’s going to look nice. I have salt/pepper with some attractive streaks of white.
I think the story is different if you have thin or blond hair, which I don’t. Highlighting can do wonders for thin hair, giving it a volume boost. If your hair is light to start with the grow out isn’t as skunky and you aren’t back to the hairdresser or color box in 3 weeks.
It’s not a matter of being brave because how you look to other people is the sum of many factors. Now, if I could only stop saying, “well we used to do it this way…”
I stopped coloring my hair on a whim 2 years ago. I was at my hairdresserās for color and suddenly said, you know what? I think Iām done. My hairdresser hugged me and said letās cut it shorter and load you up with highlights. For the first time in my life, I was blondāI loved it. The highlights blended with my natural color so well that I didnāt notice any line of demarcation as my hair grew out. It took about a year and I was left with a lovely silvery hair color. My face is pink and my eyebrows are still darkish. The lighter color suits me.
My hair is like yours, Jennifer, stick straight and baby fine. However, for the first time in my life people compliment my hair because they like the color. Amazing! I wear it in a modern cutāshort inverted bob. While I miss the texture that I had when coloring my hair, I just make up for it with a little more styling product. I also pay more attention to my wardrobe (your blog really helps with that) and work on my posture so that I donāt read as old. For the record, Iām 66. Going natural really worked for me, I feel lucky about that.
All that said, each of us should do what makes us feel best! Luvin this conversation!
You are lucky Terry. Way to
Go. Iāve been thinking about an inverted bob. Itās been many years since I wore one so I think it would feel fun.
Of course it is an individual choice. For me, it totally worked to stop coloring my hair. I get more compliments and second looks than I ever did before. I think it depends on what color āgrayā you have and whether your skin is cool or warm. My light silver looks good against my pink toned skin…I have seen some
people who would be in the āautumnā category with stone gray hair. Personally, I donāt think itās a great look.
Men get to do whatever they want with their hair. Why is this even a point of discussion in 2019? Do what you want to do. Grow it long, cut it short, dye it. Bleach it. Go pink or purple. Weave it into a birdcage. It’s the 21st century. Women need to stop passing judgment on other women. There are things the world needs us to do. Live!
I agree. Women need to allow others to do what they want with their hair color and not feel entitled to pass judgement
“Looks like I already said that”???? First comment ever.
Love the tone of this whole thread of comments. Been a hairdresser for 30 years. Grey hair is like short or long hair. What looks good on one person may look dreadful on another. Much depends on skin coloring, hair texture and face shape. I love that the women on here are saying, ” You do what suits you.”
Thanks Karen! I totally agree. We are all
Individual so there is no right or wrong choice.
I guess I am just a rebel, but I got fed up with coloring my hair when I was only 35. I cut it into a super short pixie and never dyed it again. Now, 22 years later, my hair is completely white and still in a really short pixie and I love it! I think each woman should just decide for herself what she wants (not her husband or the cultural norms) and go with it whether it’s your hair or your clothing. You just have to feel like yourself, and if you feel fabulous,that’s great.
At my doctors recommendation I stopped coloring my hair. I developed scalp issues accompanied by a lovely autoimmune disease so my hair is fine and thinning now. My new natural color is more white but some gray. What colors do you recommend to wear with this color of hair?
Iāve had my hair dyed various shades of blonde the past 20+ years until last January. I asked my stylist to give me a feminine buzz cut, thinking it would mostly grow out by April. And I was right. Honestly, one of the smartest decisions Iāve made. My hair is actually salt and pepper and the texture is so much better. Iāve one from fine straight to fine wavy and it looks so much more healthy. Iāve gone from spending nearly $200 dollars every five weeks to $50.00 every 3-4 months maintaining a pixie cut. I really love my hair and actually have strangers complimenting my hair often. And I wear colors now I never would have with the bleached blonde.
Jenn, you look and are fabulous! Iām not going gray. My mom is 84 and still colors her hair. As long as Iām able, Iām coloring. Thank you for your wonderful blog!
I understand perfectly, I have fine hair and hair color gives it more body and texture. A couple of years ago I went back to my natural color mainly to see how it looked. I’m salt and pepper but there isn’t enough contrast. I felt like I needed to lighten it. I went back to my blond from years ago. I’m so happy. I don’t look washed out. I wear my hair short because I like and I always come back to it being short.
I’m with you Jennifer! I won’t go gray. Yes, I have hair like yours as well. Coloring it definitely gives us more body.
I find color to be a far more youthful look than drab gray. I love it, it’s vibrant, like us š
I won’t be popular for this, but many women give up on the way they look, simply don’t care, and they go gray.
Not this girl.
I think going “grey” or not is a very personal decision. I decided one day about 4+ years ago to stop coloring my hair. I was tired of the smell, and how often I had to go. Sometimes grey would still show through on the sides. I will admit I was retired when I started the transitioning process, and not sure I would have done it while still working. As far as looking younger or not, it depends on the hair style and other factors, such as makeup, clothing colors etc. I see plenty of very stylish women sporting grey hair of all lengths. There is no right or wrong; just whatever feels good to someone is what they should do.
I was born with red hair that wet blonde during my public school years. When I had my first child at age 21 my hair went red again! It took me a while to adjust! When I turned 61(nine years ago) my “straight as Captain Kangaroo” hair got really curly! Go figure! I now wear it short and curly, and have it colored bright red with highlights every 10 weeks. I get lots of compliments and it is easy to style! I will go to my grave with bright red curly hair and Revlon Red nail polish on my toes! You are beautiful in all your photos, Jennifer! I love your hair. Vikki – Red Headed Manja
I love your hair. I too have the same type of hair as you. Yours is cut into more layers. How do you get it to be so whispy and have body? I’ve cut mine off into layers and all it does is make me look fatter because it just sticks to my head. Never found any product I could use that didn’t itch my scalp.
I stopped coloring my hair 3 years ago after my daughterās wedding. My hair was brown and I colored and highlighted for 25 years. I have thick, slightly wavy hair cut in long layers. I use a curling wand or curling iron. My hair is so healthy now since I stopped coloring. I routinely get compliments on my hair from both young and old. A lot of women my age tell me how ābraveā I am to be grey. I love my hair ā no worrying about roots showing anymore. I do think grey hair can be aging but with an up-to-date haircut, fashionable clothing, and positive attitude, it works for this 67 year old.
Fair complexioned like yourself and for the most part of my life a blonde until around the age of sixteen when it began to darken to more of a honey blonde . Fast forward at age twenty went to a salon and decided to go platinum blonde. BIG mistake (and sheer panic) as due to the bleach, experienced breakage and went from long hair to a very short bob. Fortunately the short boyish haircut that model Twiggy made popular back in the 60’s had made a revival … lol … however I did decide to let it grow out and went auburn. Oddly, those who new me before hand didn’t care for the new darker look and those who didn’t could not picture me ever being otherwise. Go figure and long story short; after two years I did go back to being a blonde and have been using the same off-the-shelf product/colour for many, many years (which I apply myself) and over which time due to the gray coming in has transitioned to an overall silver blonde with a few highlights of platinum. (Hip hip hooray and with no breakage this time … āŗ.) To conclude; I often get compliments and inquiries as to what colour I use or where I get it done and even have my hairdresser who cuts my hair baffled as the colour is described as just a ‘very light blonde’.
As for your hair Jennifer, I certainly feel it suits you and IMHO as long as you are happy with it, that is what truly counts.
-Brenda-
I am in total agreement. I do have nice thick hair (thank you Lord or whoever gave it to me). It is straight also and I’m told by my hairdresser it’s mostly salt and drab in front and mostly just drab medium brown in back. That being said I will not go grey. I do think some women look fabulous with beautiful silver hair but that is not what I have, so sticking to high and low highlighting. I believe/hope by our age we know what looks good on us.
Grew out the dye about 2 years ago when my hairdresser said while looking at roots that I was completely white *white* not grey anymore. Actually turned out more white and blond and some grey. It is naturally curly so I have it about collar bone length and wear it up mostly. I look horrific without makeup, and go out so seldom that I rarely have to put it on, so I’m way out of practice with makeup, much less with makeup for my hair color which can get brassy on the ends unless I use a purple *purple* shampoo which supposedly tones it down.
Any advice for jazzing up my makeup to go with my sallow skin tone and sallow hair tone?. I understand enough not wear the color yallow* yallow * Should I live and dye another day? Or just up and dye? Though I donāt go out much, my dog and husband are beginning to mistake me for a large yallow cushion about the house. Plus we have a New England fall vacation coming up. I canāt hope to rival your pics from fabulous getaways, Mrs AWSL, but my husband is as handsome is Mr AWSL, and deserves to carry a better lookinā womanās predictably overpacked suitcase.
Ellen, my hair is silver and I’ve used Blue Malva shampoo from Aveda for years. Just replaces one regular shampooing each week and no yellow hair here. I have no affiliation with that company, but, having tried other brands I find this one works best for me.
After a few years of henna rinses, I decided to take advantage of a cherished inheritance from grandma – early onset silver gray hair. Happy to report that the world did not stop spinning on its axis. It’s definitely a personal choice and can be challenging in this world where men are called distinguished, silver foxes and women are called old. Blue malva shampoo once a week to combat any yellowish tinges and we’re good to go. So, if you decide to live with your silver gray tresses, know that you are among a growing number of silver, foxy women!
Iām a natural blonde (well, more or less) so I thought it would be simple to let my greying, almost white, hair grow out Iāve tried to let my hair go naturally grey but when it did, I just wasnāt comfortable! It just wasnāt me. Well, at least not yet. And as Billy Crystal said, āIt is better to look goodā and in doing so you feel good!
I’m 74 and will not color my hair because I have many allergies that manifest themselves on my tender skin. So I choose to be extra careful and not try something that would cause me more grief. However, I am also blessed with holding my own light brown color quite well. I do have gray “sideburns” and around my temples but the rest of my hair is lightly highlighted with gray which makes my fine (but lots of it) hair shimmer in the sun. Probably just what I would want if I did color it.
I have been thinking about this a lot lately. I think we have similar coloring. I am very light blonde and very ash-y. I think I will turn a dingy, dishwater color so I get highlights when I feel drab. Going natural doesn’t necessarily mean going a beautiful gray or silver. Gray hair needs work to look beautiful!
Your hair color and style looks great.
I am embracing the grey…growing my hair out after a pixie cut that I needed to get because of two frozen shoulders. I wear a deeper shade of lip colour. I am 64 and feel that this is the “new me!”
I am 64 and stopped coloring my hair over 8 years ago. My hair began looking like a frizzled mess from coloring it since my hair was completely silver. There is no salt and pepper on my head. My mother had more pepper than I at 87 when she died. It has been a no brainer for me personally. I have never looked back. However, I do not think it is for everyone and one should follow their own instincts. FYI you still have to spend money on your hair in order to keep it healthy and keep the brassies at bay. Great article!
I know the field is divided on going grey. I find grey/white/silver can be aging on some, while others look amazing. What is the secret?
I chose not to for the exact same reasons as yourself. I was born with platinum hair which darkened to blonde. I have very little white, so I have subtle highlights & lowlights added every second cut. At 66, I think I am aging graciously.