The Life Behind The Style
There’s a new style icon making the rounds in fashion, and she’s not 22. She probably has a signature perfume she’s worn for 30 years, a coat she paid too much for and would do it again, and absolutely no interest in being told what to wear.
Lately, fashion has been flirting with what some are calling nonna style. Think of it as a coastal grandmother after she’s had her espresso, traded the beach house for Milan, and decided a silk scarf and proper handbag wouldn’t kill her. It has the same grown-woman ease, but with more polish, more intention, and better shoes. Which, frankly, feels about right.
And while I’m always a little amused when fashion suddenly turns grown women into a trend, I do understand the appeal. What makes that woman interesting isn’t just the scarf or the handbag. It’s the life behind her. The confidence, yes, but also the history, the friendships, the losses, and the perspective that comes from living a full life. And last week, living mine felt more important than forcing myself to write Monday Musings.
I know some of you missed Monday Musings last week, and I appreciate that more than you know.
I sat down at this keyboard three different times, and every time I started, I couldn’t get past the first paragraph.
I never intended for this blog to become a diary of my personal life. I prefer to stay practical. But after years of sharing this space with you, the line between my closet and my reality has blurred in ways I didn’t plan. Last weekend was a rough one, and I couldn’t find words that weren’t too raw to share.
Last Saturday, my husband and I had dinner with a group of friends we’ve been gathering with for over forty years. We’ve shared everything together…the births of our children, their weddings, the deaths of our parents, and over the last decade, the loss of our own members to lung cancer. We’ve shared vacations, the kind of laughter that leaves you breathless, and the kind of tears that only true friends are allowed to see.
Last summer, we lost Bonnie, one of my personal heroes. After her stage 4 lung cancer diagnosis, she didn’t turn inward. She and her husband established a foundation in 2006 to help other lung cancer patients and fund research. That was just who she was. She was fighting her own battle and still looking out for everyone else. My husband had early-stage lung cancer, caught only because Bonnie had pushed all of us to get scanned.
She called me Punkin. I later found out she called others that, too, and somehow it didn’t matter. It still felt endearing. She was also the person who could walk down any sidewalk, glance down, and find a twenty-dollar bill. That kind of luck felt like it was built into her.
This was our first dinner party together since Bonnie died, and her husband hosted us at their home. When I walked into the kitchen and saw the care he’d taken, the appetizers arranged just so, and the table beautifully set, I almost said, “Bonnie would be proud of you.” I stopped myself because I wasn’t sure if that was the right thing to say. I still don’t know if it was. But I thought it.
Then we sat down, and there was Bonnie’s place at the table, set as it always had been. It’s hard to explain what that does to a room.
We spent the evening doing what we’ve always done, talking, remembering, joking, and laughing in the way only old friends can. Bonnie had been such a big part of that laughter, which made her absence feel even more painful. When we said our goodbyes, we all hugged a little tighter and held on a little longer than usual.
It reminded me that while I spend my days helping you find the right blazer or the perfect neutral, clothes are really just the costumes for the lives we live with the people who matter most.
Bonnie’s empty chair was hard to look at. But I’m deeply grateful for the forty years of memories that still fill it.
I am so sorry for the loss of your dear friend last summer. What a beautiful evening with her husband, remembering a very special lady.
My sincere sympathies on the loss of your dear friend. What a lovely tribute to her and committment to continuing with your get-togethers. I’m sure she would want you to carry on living life to the fullest.
What a beautiful tribute to your “dear” friend!
I’m very sorry for your loss, yet glad you had the time with her to create such loving memories.
I am a few years older than you so have experienced several of these hard losses. It does not get easier. The grief seems cumulative. Your Bonnie reminds me of my friend Diane who left us three years ago. She was kind of an angel on earth and I speak to her often in my head. We were models together in our early years and later volunteered at a Dress For Success type of organization so fashion was a connection point, one of many. A couple of months before she died, she laid out all her costume jewelry collection, organized by color, and invited her girlfriends to choose a piece or two as a remembrance. So typical of her thoughtfulness and generosity. I cherish mine.
Dear Jennifer, Thank you for sharing your life and your friend. I am truly sorry for your loss. Grateful that you have loving friendships.
Wow, did this hit home. We lost one of our family last week to lung cancer with another one diagnosed with the last week. That’s 5 family so far who were all life time smokers and all women of the boomer generation. I’ve read that women become more addicted than men and it makes it harder for them to quit. That’s sure playing out in our family. Even after being diagnosed and treated some of them could not quit. What the tobacco companies have done to people and continue to do makes me so angry. Your friend’s husband has great strength to pull off that dinner. I could never have done that. I think it was a great way to honor her. My heart goes out to you and feel free to miss all the postings you need to. Life, good bad and indifferent, happens.
A beautiful tribute to Bonnie and the friendship you share with friends. ❤️
I’m sorry about the loss of your dear friend in Bonnie. How wonderful you had a gathering and shared memories. I’m sure that brought her husband and you a great deal of comfort.
I found your column a few months ago and now read it regularly. Being told how to be an acceptable aging woman is not my thing, but that isn’t what you do. You are a gifted writer and it is clear you love what you do.
Losing good friends leaves a hole doesn’t fill.
I loved the tenderness of your friend’s acknowledgment of his wife’s death and his trust that his besties would share that. It was profound.
Cheers
So sorry for your loss. I lost my best friend suddenly a few years ago and I tell you life has not been the same. We talked every day and we really could talk about anything. It is like a broken heart 💔 take care
Very touching , this story should be entitled the empty chair :(I feel it as the tears well up and the pit of grief in my stomach . I lost a friend to Parkinson’s and we all feel her loss in our lives and her presence when we see certain flowers, birds, clouds , favorite treats lemon squares, cheesecake, gingers snap cookies and chintz china.
I often chat with her husband and soulmate of 50 years and he allows her to come alive with poetry by Mary Oliver or his photography and his art of storytelling.
I think your musing helped many of your readers come to terms with love and loss , it touched me like a poignant movie such as steel magnolias 💙
Jennifer, my reason for commenting seems very insignificant in light of your post, we have that set of friends too and that relationship is so dear to us like yours. But I’d also like to ask you to please report back on your barrel leg pants from Lands End after you’ve tried them. I’m on the fence to buy any!
Sandy
I understand the sentiment of your beautiful piece of writing in this blog. We are on a common path and I expect Connie would have agreed that you all continue to enjoy that journey.
Cx
Hi Jennifer,
Your friends sound so wonderful. I am very sorry for the loss of Bonnie.
Sending love and support.
Hugs. Our long term friendships are sometimes closer than family! The loss is so painful but keeping the memories of Bonnie close and alive makes it bearable. Thank you for sharing.
Oh, Jennifer. I have been thinking of your loss all day and hoping to find a way to express my condolences as well as my gratitude for your honesty. Reading your words this morning touched me deeply. Thank you for sharing your memories in such a personal and heartfelt way. Such a beautiful tribute.
My sincere condolences for the loss of your dear friend, Bonnie. She sounds like a wonderful person. I found it poignant for her husband to set a place for her at the table to keep her in mind at your dinner. How very difficult for him to lose his life partner but good that he is still meeting with you and your husband.
So sorry for your loss, Jennifer. It is so difficult to lose dear friends. You have each other and all your beautiful, fun memories.
Beautiful post Jennifer. She loves those dinners and all of you so very much. ❤️ xoxo
Thanks for sharing your heart. Good friends are a blessing of the Lord.
Jennifer i am sorry for the loss of your friend. What a wonderful way for your friend to honor his wife at the table! I have a close friend that i met in 1990. We live in two different states now and try to see each other as much as possible when we go back to the hometown to visit. She was just here in Florida for a quick visit with her family and we were lucky enough to spend a day together. We talked for about 22 hrs over a day and a half. It was marvelous! I needed that reset. And yes i am very grateful for the friendship. It seems it’s even more important as we age to have good friends.❤️
Dear Jennifer,
I’m so sorry for the loss of your friend. My husband and I also have friends that we have have shared so many life experiences with over 4 decades. Precious memories…how they linger…
May your memories of Bonnie linger.
Prayers,
Dianne
Such a heartfelt memory, and I truly related to a very close friend of almost 50 years. I had to wait till later in the day to respond just because you said it so beautifully. Thank you so very much. We all have special loved friends and you couldn’t have said it more poignant and lovely. Thanks for sharing a piece of your heart. Much acknowledged and appreciated. God Bless.
Jennifer, that was deep, thoughtful and beautifully written. Thank you for sharing your life experience in addition to your helpful fashion advice, you keep it real and grounded. We should all strive to be like Bonnie, she sounds like a very special person.
Gosh what a moving Monday musing and so brave of you to share that
This post is so meaningful and relatable at my stage of life. Thank you for so eloquently expressing what so many of us are living at this stage of our lives- the need to stay relevant, to cherish our friendships, and to carry on with life as best we can.
Thanks for sharing. That’s so beautiful. 💕
This is so poignant and a valuable lesson to embrace our present!
This certainly brought a tear to my eye. What a beautiful post remembering your good friend. As I was reading, I was placing a good friend of mine into the role that Bonnie was to you. She passed from Parkinson’s disease a few years ago. It’s still hard to think about her not being with us any longer. Thank you for sharing this with all of us who follow you.
I am so sorry for the loss of your dear friend. How good to be remembered this way by someone she loved.
What lovely post. Last year I lost 2 of my closest friends and my sister. This made me cry just reading beautiful tribute to your friend!
Love and Happiness
I’m so sorry about the loss of your friend. Hopefully having such good memories will bring you comfort.
So sorry for your loss
Bonnie sounded like a wonderful person
What a beautiful story of friendship.
I love that you share life with us!
I think it makes your Emails more meaningful to all your readers-
Take care
I cannot thank you enough for today’s blog. I love your blogs and look forward to them every day. But today was the more beautiful of all, a tribute to Bonnie. After my husband died I could not set the table without a place for him. The first holiday after his death was his favorite, Thanksgiving. Not only did I set his place but I filled the plate with his favorite foods. We toasted to his life and that full plate of food. RIP good man, 2007.
Poignant post and a timely reminder of the things which really matter. My condolences and thank you, Jennifer.
Well said…I could feel your loss just reading it. May her memories be with you always.
That was truly a beautiful eulogy. I hope sharing helped you, as it has this reader. I recently lost a close friend, and reading this reminded me of the dinner parties we shared; full of love, laughter, and tears. It was wonderful that her spouse was able to honor her this way.
I follow your blog regularly, but rarely comment. This felt like the right time. Love your intentional style and vision. Keep up the great work!
Such a lovely tribute to your friend and the inner being that makes us what we are. It only shines brighter with the colorful outer shell.
What a lovely and endearing way to remember such a loved friend. From the words and story you shared of your friendship, to the meal that brought you all back together. As painful as it was to see her empty chair, it sounded like it was something each and everyone of you really needed. You are very lucky to have friendships such as these. Thank you for sharing.
Hugs Jennifer. Thank you for sharing the woman behind the clothes and into your heart. I’m 81 and in those twilight years now. I’m now the oldest in my family. It is a very large one with my four sons and my husband’s three. We have 17 grandchildren and 14 great grandchildren. They are spread all over the country. Texting seems to be the mode of communication today. It is so important to connect with family and friends even if only by text. Thank you for your precious reminder of what is really important in life. It is the woman and man behind the clothes.
Please accept my condolences on the loss of your dear friend
Beautifully written-thank you for sharing! Bonnie’s hubby sounds fabulous. Life does go on, but it’s SO important to remember and honor those special people who touch our lives.
Simply beautiful. Thank you for opening your heart to us. You are truly a lovely woman.
Dear Jennifer, I have been following your fine blog for years, always filled with excellent advice on make up, looking at our shared issues (fine hair, thinning hair, bone and foot problems). I love your assistance; one of the best looks for me comes from you – column dressing for a more polished look on my short, broad shouldered frame. And you are touching my empathetic heart today. I know loss and how difficult the journey to keep it in perspective. God bless us all.
So poigant, so inspiring. Thank you for encapsulating all of our lives, our loves and our losses in such beautiful words.
It sounds like Bonnie was an amazing person.
What a beautiful tribute to your amazing friend Bonnie. I am sitting at the gate in the airport terminal and had to stop the tears from coming. You are blessed to have such wonderful friends and can help support each other through this difficult time. God bless
Thank you for the beautiful blog this morning. Brought tears to my eyes!
Tracy
That was beautiful, very poignant. It is also something that a person in that stage of life can feel deeply.
Prayers to get thru your loss is sent to you with love.
What a beautiful tribute to a beautiful friend! In just a few words, you brought Bonnie to life for us and I’m sure many of us can identify with the feelings that this post evoked.
A truly lovely post.
What a lovely and meaningful message. The longer one is fortunate to live, the more one confronts the lost of beloved family and friends. Thank you for sharing these memories.
Thank you for sharing your lovely tribute to your friend Bonnie, and how your dinner party included her in the table setting. Honoring the memory of dear friends and family, and then the process of adjusting to the void they leave. What a lovely phrase – “clothes are really just the costumes for the lives we live with the people who matter most” how true.
Beautifully written. It’s so easy to get caught up in what is going on around us .. The older I get the more I’m really trying to focus on what I think is important and that is relationships. I am realizing that our lives are short . I want to make the best use of the time I have left and that means staying in meaningful relationships and letting some relationships slide. Sounds like you had a wonderful relationship with Bonnie. Sorry for your loss.
What a beautiful post and tribute to your friend, I had tears in my eyes as I was reading. When it comes down to it, isn’t this what life is really about? So sorry for your loss.
That must have been very tough and emotional for you and everyone else. I am older than you and so far have been fortunate to still have our best friends in our lives. I myself have had a tough 2025/2026; foot surgery, shingles (which I am still trying to recover from) and cataract surgery. I am a doer and hard to rest the body/mind to get well and back on my feet….but I am trying. When your health is being tested, you are right, it doesn’t matter if a stripe blazer doesn’t work with a polkadot shirt. 🙂 When you lose a love one, or your health is tested; it gives you pause. Take care of yourself.
This is just beautiful, Jennifer. Thank you so much for sharing. Big hugs to you!
Jennifer, thank you for being vulnerable in this space and sharing that experience with us. It’s a good reminder to never take those “ordinary” moments, like sharing dinner with friends, for granted. Also a powerful reminder to stay present in those moments. I am so sorry for your loss, and may Bonnie’s memory continue to be a blessing!
Your blog was very touching today. Remembering your friend Bonnie in such a way brought tears. Every person we meet leaves a little bit of themselves along the way. We have been so fortunate to have met and shared our lives with them. 💕
I’ve had moments of grief pop up as I continue my life journey without my mother. All you can do is roll with them. Out of curiosity I took an online “test” to gauge my grief and one of themes seemed to be “are you avoiding things that remind you of the loss to an extreme?”
Not to sound like a Millennial, but I feel like having a dinner party with your friend-group and being sad about the one who isn’t there is better for your mental health than avoiding the friend-group because the memory of you friend is too painful to confront. We have to process our sadness and it’s uncomfortable.
I hope you had her favorite dessert or wine and will in the future be able to experience the joy that she brought to your relationship with her memories.
So sorry for your loss. Glad you have good memories of Bonnie. Praying that the God of comfort will comfort you
What a beautiful story and tribute to your friend. Thank you for sharing such an intimate part of your life with us. I think that there are many of us who have those long term friendships and wonder what and when the table will get smaller, and the get togethers less frequent. Thanks again.
Jennifer- so sorry to hear your friend passed away. As we age it’s hard to imagine life without our family and those friends we spent years with.
Hugs
I think you may have solved a problem for me. My husband died a short while ago. I have tried to eat at our table and I just avoid it. I eat in the living room on the couch. It isn’t even comfortable! I’m going to try setting a place where my husband sat. We’ll see if having another place setting will help me feel more at home sitting by myself. Your posting was very heartfelt. Thank you.
I’ll tell you what I found helpful when my husband passed away a year and a half ago I couldn’t bear to look at the empty space so what I’ve done is I sit in the space so then I don’t have to see the empty spot believe it’s helped a lot in the living room where he spent much of his time
Thank you for such a beautiful and moving post. By the time many of us have lived to our senior years, it feels as though we’ve lived through a number of life cycles. We’ve said final goodbyes to some we have loved, and welcomed the new life that inevitably comes in to our orbits. I’m driving to Ottawa from Boston in a few weeks to embrace my new great niece, born just 4 weeks ago. So looking forward to that new baby smell.
That is a beautiful reminder of life and friendship and the memories we share. 💕
Thank you for such a personal and meaningful post. I think it represents where most of us live our day to day lives and what’s important to us.
I am so sorry for the loss of your dear friend.
I admire Bonnie’s husband for hosting your special group. I am sure that he welcomed stories and remembrances as you all visited. As a recent widow, I cherish those friends who bring my husband into the conversation and talk about good times past. I am having a very hard time with several who have been friends for 40-plus years who make no contact with me or no mention of him when they do. That has added an additional difficult layer to my already completely different life. I know it’s hard, but I would say that the average person wants others to remember their lost loved one, not dwell, but just remember with a story of the good times. Bonnie was a part of his life and all of yours, so remember her with the joy she brought to the table.
Wise advice thank you.
Beautifully written.
I am so very sorry that you lost your beloved friend. Your post is a gentle reminder that we should enjoy every moment, cherish our family and friends and do what we can to make the world a better place. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you for sharing. It is good to be real with your readers and share your personal life – makes you seem more like one of us.
Thank you for sharing, sorry for your loss. What a blessing to have such close friends for 40 years.
We are all so blessed to have each other.
What a moving tribute to your dear friend. It seems that some of us are in that time of life where we are experiencing loss of dear friends and family. It is well to take the time for yourself, to grieve, to love, to remember the memories of those times together. Best wishes.
What a beautiful tribute to your friend. And yes, you should definitely tell Bonnie’s husband that she would have been proud. Too often we don’t say words that could comfort because we are afraid to hurt. Talking about the person who isn’t in the chair any more is the very best way to remember them.
So sorry for your loss. Helen Keller once said that what we once enjoyed and deeply loved becomes part of us and can never be lost. May those parts of Bonnie that you loved and respected forever be a part of you.
I hope so
Thank you for sharing your story, at the stage in my mature life I have begun to experience the loss of dear friends and understand how you feel. Those moments make the decision of what to wear really insignificant. Hugs to you.
This is so poignant. I have not lost a spouse but I have lost a child. You always want to hear others say their name, to remember them. Next time, don’t stop yourself, it’s a precious gift for the people left behind.
A stunning piece of writing. I felt tears when you couldn’t bring yourself to say “Bonnie would be proud of you” to her husband and then the warmth of connection — friends hold each other more tightly in these later years. Thank you.
Oh my goodness, what a very moving post. I’m so sorry for the loss of your dear friend. Thank you for sharing your story with us. Hugs.
I understand your grief for Bonnie. I’ve had that empty chair of my husband’s for exactly 5 years now. And when I buy something you suggested and it looks good on me, I can’t help but think Bill would like it too.
What a beautiful tribute to your friend. Aren’t we so blessed to have those people in our lives? I am thankful every day for each and everyone of them and your column only reminded me to be even more appreciative on a daily basis. I wish you comfort in your wonderful memories.
Jennifer, I am so sorry for your loss and the sadness. Bonnie will always be an inspiration for you.
This is wonderful! You always give me something to think about!
Jennifer,
I’m so very sorry for the loss of your dear longtime friend. Our lives are very similar, and I fully relate to your post this morning. Thank you.
Beautiful!
😊 I can so relate to your story. We have a group of friends that get together. We have been doing it for a long long time & slowly we have lost friends. It is so very hard. 💔
What a wonderful woman. What wonderful friends. As I contemplate aging and think all those same thoughts you’re expressing, I agree. It’s the life we’ve lead, the laughs we’ve shared and experiences like you’ve mentioned that make us who we are. Our clothing is just the window. A window lets in the light but you must look through it to see what’s on the other side. I can’t thank you enough Jennifer for your beautiful words today. I hope this is not too presumptuous of me, but I have a strong feeling that Bonnie would be proud!
Thank you so much!
I am so very sorry about the loss of your friend. Unfortunately we are of the age when these losses become more frequent and continuously difficult. Celebrate life and keep the wonderful memories in our hearts!
What a beautiful remembrance of your friend. Thank you for sharing such a heartfelt message of what’s truly more important than anything. Hugs.
Dear Jennifer, tears in my eyes as I read your post; I am so sorry for the hole that has been left by the loss of your friend. My husband and I are also at the stage of life where the goodbyes are beginning and it is not an easy road to navigate. Remember the good times, and cherish the ones you still have. Jo
You speak for all of us who’ve experienced the joy of long friendship. Thank you.
Just enjoyed a lovely dinner with old friends last evening so this post hit hard. Grateful and increasingly aware that time is growing shorter for us, good health is always appreciated and we are all vulnerable. How brave of your friend to host, but how lovely you all showed up and honoured him, your much missed friend and the each other. His dinner party was a celebration of her life and everyone there.
Such a lovely, heartfelt post. Thank you for sharing a personal part of your life and the emotions that came too. So sorry for your loss of a dear friend.
What a beautiful tribute to your friend. I’m so sorry she lost her battle with the dreaded “c” word but it sounds like she was an amazing woman who cared deeply for others. As we age, we will experience more loss and grief. While we are still here, we should practice caring deeply for others too. A smile, a phone call, a service done for a friend or a stranger makes this often difficult world a better place.
When close friends pass on, it’s hard to organize your thoughts on what is to say to their spouse.
But, with longtime friends, sometimes a long hug is all that is needed. You wrote a beautiful story about your dear friend.
Have a lovely day and thank you
Dear Jennifer, What an exquisite post. I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for generously sharing yourself in this space. You painted such a beautiful picture of a life well-lived—Bonnie’s—and also yours. You and she inspire others. How brave we all are called to be in this era of our lives. Sending loving wishes to you, Kathryn
Thank you for sharing this story, and Bonnie, with us. Grief becomes part of the fabric of our lives that makes memories and new experiences sharper and more poignant. Your group of friends sound so special and I hope there will be many more memories made with them.
I’m 70. I’ve lost a brother and a sister already, a friend to brain cancer, my ex to a heart issue, and the rest of us have our medical issues. My father is 99 and turns 100 this year. His doctor is amazed with him; he’s very sharp. But what he has been telling me and my brother (66) for several years is that these are the years where you are going to start seeing things happening to the people around you. You are now in the “danger zone” when things start going wrong. He’s very honest, but he’s right. He says that even though he is lucky to have lived so long, the hardest part is the loss of his peers in his generation, because no one else understands that era of his life. I guess this is part of the aging process, albeit an unpleasant one.
Beautifully written. Thank you for the reminder and may God bless you and your friends.
Absolutely beautiful and thought-provoking tribute❤️
Thank you for sharing Bonnie with us. Beautifully written! My Bonnie was Dori and losing her left a hole in our hearts. I try to fill it with laughter and fun stories because that’s who Dori was to me.
Beautiful, heartfelt thoughts, Jennifer. Thanks for sharing. I too often think of loved ones I’ve lost..my parents and grandparents of course. That is to be expected. It’s the natural cycle of life. But it’s the friends and peers that have passed away that create a special loss and longing. Thank you for letting us see who you really are, beneath the wardrobe.
Carol
Long time reader
Your words today were beautiful and poignant. What lovely times you’ve shared and, at the end, that’s all that really matters.
Oh Jennifer, I too know that feeling —that experience. It’s a jolt to our heartstrings. There’s a hug in here for you.….eyes filling up.