Are You Authentic? Who Gets to Choose?

Are You Authentic? Who Gets to Choose?

What makes you authentic and who gets to decide? I can guarantee you it isn’t someone else’s perception of what you should do or be. Nor is it another woman’s opinion of how you should look. This week I’ve run across a few instances of women justifying their personal choices, by taking swipes at other women. Comments and declarations that dig, judge and criticize. What’s up with that? Who is looking insecure when that happens?Does dying your gray hair make you less authentic? Only you get to decide that.

I’ve read several places this week that if you’re a woman who colors your gray hair, you’re not authentic. You’re hiding something or trying to look younger. You’re hoping to trick people into thinking something about you that isn’t true.

Does that mean I shouldn’t shave my underarms and legs or pluck my eyebrows and chin hair? Am I trying to fool people when I do that? How about when I wear things that make me appear slimmer? How far can you stretch that stupidity?

I’m not coloring my hair look younger. I’m doing it to improve my appearance. My gray hair is silver and it’s washing my complexion out. I use lowlights to add contrast and make me look better.

To me.

For me.

Because that’s what matters. How I feel about how I look!

If you want to go gray, bravo. It’s your choice and none of my business. Your choice does not make you more authentic than I am. It just makes you, you.

Come on ladies, let’s support each other.

What do you think?

Thanks for reading and have a great day!



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  1. Pauline
    February 6, 2019 / 1:58 pm

    At 64 my hair is graying but, I am letting it go because I wear them proudly as I have earned every last one of them! Thanks Jen for this post and “pooh-pooh” to those who thing I should color my hair!

  2. February 18, 2016 / 9:52 pm

    Yes this topic always gets people talking. I think it’s very much a personal choice that has NOTHING to do with being authentic or not, a feminist or not, professional or not etc. Both choices are good. I wrote about this earlier too and found that women are split 50/50 when asked the question To gray or not to gray? http://40plusstyle.com/to-grey-or-not-to-grey/

  3. January 27, 2016 / 8:37 pm

    Beauty is in the eye of the beholder – and there are so many different ways to be physically beautiful, so each to their own! This post made me think of an excerpt from Marianne Faithfull’s biography – where tells of undergoing a professional ‘make-over’ which included a grey rinse through her blonde hair and clothing choices that were far too conservative for her personality! Needless to say, the ‘make-over’ was a failure. Advice can be very useful but ultimately we have to feel comfortable that the choices made for us are the right ones for us – and not someone imposing their aesthetic ideal on us. Put simply, for most of us if ‘we think we look good, we feel good’ – and who doesn’t want to feel good – life’s too short to feel any other way! Black, grey, white, silver, red or any colour of the rainbow – if you feel you look good you should wear it – the world will be a happier place!

  4. January 16, 2016 / 5:31 pm

    Hi Jen,
    Well this is timely, and look at all the comments this has generated! Awesome topic. So you’ve had some women commenting on the choice of altering or not altering one’s appearance? Wow, who has time. who in the heck has time to judge someone for choices like this? (But then again, I’m kinda judging right now I guess, so there you go).

    I have been having some moral dilemmas this week in how I am reacting to people. I’m writing a post about it right now. I often wonder what will happen when I retire, and I’m not reliant on others to earn a living. Will I speak my mind more freely, will i not sugar coat things? Will I be authentically me, inside and out, when my finances no longer depend on my political correctness?

    thanks for the post, very thought provoking. love ya. xx Nancy

  5. January 15, 2016 / 12:53 pm

    This seems to be mantra this week…why do women judge other women based on insecurities? As women, we all know that we dress for ourselves. We would like to say we did it for our husbands or because our job demands it. But in the end, we do what we like because that is what we like. And we need to love ourselves. If we cannot be kind to ourselves how can we possible be kind to those around us.

    Happy Birthday…from where I sit you are a very young person. 🙂


    • Jennifer
      January 15, 2016 / 4:52 pm

      It is because of their own insecurities. We all need to cut each other slack!.

  6. Anne
    January 15, 2016 / 7:20 am

    Oh my, I have chosen not to color my hair and recently the grey has overtaken the dark blonde. I have had three people in the past few weeks get in my face and tell me some variation of “you could be so attractive if you’d color your hair.” In every instance it was all I could do to bite my tongue, because what I was thinking was “you’d look a lot more attractive if you got a better haircut and stopped dying it dark/brassy-blonde!” I’m not thrilled with how I look, to be honest – I certainly looked prettier in my 40s than my late 50s. But aging has more moving parts than just hair color, and learning to manage them all is a process.

    • Jennifer
      January 15, 2016 / 4:50 pm

      Great point Anne. It sounds like the people who got up right in your face would be more attractive if they were kinder and more polite too!!

  7. January 15, 2016 / 12:09 am

    I quit dying my hair about three years ago. I am very happy with my decision but I never want to be the gray hair police! I believe it is a personal decision and not everyone wants or looks good gray. I will add one aside. I never had one hairdresser endorse me going gray. I have however had two or three of them come up to me and tell me that I made the !

    • Jennifer
      January 15, 2016 / 4:48 pm

      Hair dressers don’t like us going gray because it hits them in their wallet 🙂 Your hair is stunning Cindy!

  8. Marla
    January 14, 2016 / 4:47 pm

    Great post! Your blog. Please……keep up the great work.

  9. Marcia Ferguson
    January 14, 2016 / 3:56 pm

    Thought provoking in a good way. Lots of ‘improvements’ are subtle … good makeup provokes people to say ‘you have the most interesting eyes’ and you’re left to assume they really are struck by the quality of your eye color or wide-eyed wonderment or intense gaze (but, maybe it’s that new mascara). Some might say ‘you have the greatest smile’ and you think it’s the engaging element of your eyes smiling and your grin or ready laughter (but, maybe it’s those white strips …).

    Hair is a different issue. Ask any woman who has lost their hair to chemo, and it’s heart wrenching and something that has no escape. 24/7 You know instantly how much your identity is tied to your hair.

    As a redhead, I can say that my hair ‘made me’ all my life. It was my identity. It was my calling card. To have it ‘fade’ later in life, has been very difficult. Yes, I colored it in my 40’s, but it was never anywhere near the natural red beauty I’d had all my life. Sometimes I’d have the salon color it … until the colorist left the dye on too long and it turned burgundy. That was a shock. That was also before young women started choosing burgundy and lilac and powder blue. Big yuck. Then. Now. I finally found enough grace to accept my faded red hair. If you’re an older redhead, you probably realize what I mean by ‘faded’. It’s not all that bad. Not gray, silver, white … it’s just a very muted shade of red (think of sepia photographs). It’s what redheads become. And if your very being was tied to red hair, you know it’s better to fade than to have a ‘box’ color of red. Because blondes work … and brunettes work … but they haven’t found a way to bring back that childhood red with its variations … sunlight landing and striking pure gold; candlelight highlighting the glow of red, freckles and blonde eyebrows; burnished red and orange and gold and caramel. Thank goodness I’ve known life as one of the very rare redheads. It’s been a privilege. And it’s still, a natural, although faded, privilege.

    Authentic? I guess so. Would I ever leave the house without lip color? Never, ever. Pale as I am, I need the brightness. Blush? A must. I gave my sister-in-law a makeup bag of all my favorite products … Je Ne Sais Quoi for natural lip color. INKcredible eyeliners from Laura Geller, Neutrogena makeup remover cloths, Nude eye shadows in every gorgeous shade of taupe/camel/charcoal/graphite, Bobbi Brown lips. I’ve always known the enhancing power of makeup, and embraced it.

    But hair? Good color is great. Highlights and lowlights? Almost always stunning. Older women with dyed black hair? Not so much. Our hair is a treasure – we grew up admiring Rapunzel, any number of actresses, the Breck girl … losing the color we grew up with is a difficult loss to deal with, but nothing compared to losing, truly losing our hair. It’s fun to enjoy the art of makeup; it’s often foolish and mind-bending to indulge in plastic surgery; but it’s very often simply courageous to deal with the state of our hair.

  10. Lynn
    January 14, 2016 / 2:16 pm

    Yesterday I almost wrote a strong reply to this post, but today I decided to send it! When I was getting chemo today, I noticed not one person in the crowded cancer clinic was looking around to criticize what anyone else’s hair or makeup looked like. Everyone there was just glad to be alive and had more important things to think about. Maybe the silly asses pondering “authenticity” should “ponder” about how lucky they are they have nothing worse in their lives to “think” about.

    • Marcia
      January 15, 2016 / 3:53 pm

      Dear Lynn … my random thoughts about being authentic by coloring/not coloring hair were meant to also shine a light on the upset some women experience in losing their hair to chemo treatments. I may not have written those thoughts well. Please know that I wish you every good thought in your battle.

      My mother and my best friend had breast cancer and both lost their hair. It was very difficult for them to have handfuls of hair come out … an indignity for them, as they were bravely enduring the worry and sickness. I hugged them through their miseries and ache for what they went through in every way.

      Going with them for chemo treatments, I know you’re exactly right – no one there is thinking about anything except getting well.

      Wishing you renewed health, strength, and happy years ahead.

      • Jennifer
        January 15, 2016 / 4:47 pm

        Beautifully said Marcia. Thank you!

    • Jennifer
      January 15, 2016 / 4:46 pm

      I’m very glad you commented Lynn! Thank you for sharing. Illness makes it crystal clear what matters and what doesn’t. I wish you strength and healing.

  11. January 14, 2016 / 1:20 pm

    I’ve had grey hair for many years and have chosen never to dye it, as much from laziness as any aesthetic considerations. I started going grey in my thirties and at first it was rather patchy but has improved over time. My elder daughter is now going grey. She works in the fashion industry and and spent a lot of time (and money!) keeping her formerly very dark brown hair looking very dark brown! However, she became increasingly concerned about the application of strong chemicals in the dyes being put on her head and last year made the decision to stop colouring. (Shrieks of horror from her colleagues in fashion.) As a result her skin tone looks so much better and people keep asking her what new product is she using..
    I appreciate that some women just don’t want to be grey. I’ve got a fabulous long, tawny wig for the days when I want to be someone other than a member of the silver brigade!

    • Jennifer
      January 15, 2016 / 4:44 pm

      A wig is a fun alternative.

  12. January 14, 2016 / 12:12 am

    Great post because yes, I get the feeling there’s a group of people out there acting like the ‘hair police’! Oh for goodness sake as we age we should do as we darn well please! As in, if you feel washed out with hair that’s greying (like both of us I guess) you should carry on dyeing your hair. And if you want to have hair that’s bleached blonde, yellow, blue or as one of my friends in her late 60s is, a rich tomato red – go for it!!! I reckon it’s authentic to be yourself!

    • Jennifer
      January 15, 2016 / 4:43 pm

      Hair police is a great term! Let’s just all support each other!!

  13. January 13, 2016 / 6:22 pm

    Oh my! Yes! I just wrote about this. Truly we should just accept that we are all different and be happy about it. Life would be terribly boring if we all did and wore the same thing.


  14. Sally
    January 13, 2016 / 6:04 pm

    Dear Jennifer

    Hello from England..I love your point of view on authenticity, for if we are not authentic we are not true to ourselves. I have non-descript mousy hair which I have had highlighted in blonde tones for 30 years. So expensive but well worth it
    I admire women who can go grey gracefully, if that is their authenticity, then Im behind them all the way.. What matters is how you feel, beauty starts inside

    I do apologise, I don’t often comment but some time ago you were talking about the perfect black fedora hat, and I promised myself I would get in touch when I found one.
    Well, last weekend I did!…it is by Biba,and perfect indeed.. I think you would approve

    …Also wonderful for making any hairdo look great 😉

    Very best wishes to you my dear
    Sally x

    • Jennifer
      January 13, 2016 / 9:50 pm

      It is all about what feels good for us. Individually. Please share the hat contact info!! I’m crazy about hats.

  15. January 13, 2016 / 5:46 pm

    When I was younger I use to care what people said about me but at this age I really don’t care. I am going to do what makes me feel good. Women that take a swipe at other women, are lacking in self love. This is a great post, thank you for sharing your thoughts.

    • Jennifer
      January 13, 2016 / 9:48 pm

      You’re so right Lucy! They are the insecure ones. I no longer care either, but am shocked when women judge like that.

  16. Bluebooby
    January 13, 2016 / 5:40 pm

    I have never had anyone ask if I dye my hair. I do. I am also considering botoxing my neck…have heard it gets rid of the double chin. I do not understand the judge mental attitude of some women. Of course my attitude is “fuck ’em”. Love ya baby!

    • Jennifer
      January 13, 2016 / 9:46 pm

      I pity the woman who criticizes you to your face! You’re amazing. I’ll he watching your Botox experience. Taking notes. XXX

  17. January 13, 2016 / 4:58 pm

    I bleach my hair. But I’m very open about it. So I guess I feel authentic! For me, it’s a style choice.

    • Jennifer
      January 13, 2016 / 9:44 pm

      I love watching your choices. The red was pretty awesome!

  18. Diane
    January 13, 2016 / 4:27 pm

    I became a blond when I was 14. I was inspired by the “Summer Bond” commercial and obsessed with the whole California surfing culture. I was born to be blond and I’ve never looked back.

    I turned 64 this weekend. I haven’t seen my natural hair color for 50 years!

    • Diane
      January 13, 2016 / 4:29 pm

      Sorry,meant to write “Summer Blond”.

    • Jennifer
      January 13, 2016 / 9:43 pm

      Many women haven’t seen their color in years. And that’s their choice. I wish I was that brave with hair color. I’d go blue 🙂

  19. January 13, 2016 / 1:58 pm

    For me, being authentic means I’m living in alignment with my heart and soul.

  20. Mary Wallace Poole
    January 13, 2016 / 1:53 pm

    I love that “give me strength” comment! Some (many?) women behave as though life is one giant competition with all the rest of us, and the more they can criticize and put others down the higher that puts them on some imaginary scale of perfection. Pulleeze – if we aren’t good to each other, who will be?
    Love your blog, Mary

    • Jennifer
      January 13, 2016 / 9:40 pm

      Thanks Mary. Some women haven’t progressed too far beyond high school competitiveness. And they’re the sad ones.

  21. pia
    January 13, 2016 / 9:24 am

    On my last walk with my father he said to me: “you know the most amazing thing about your mother?”
    I expected something profound or profound in his mind. He said: “she’s never had a gray hair.”

    I remembered how when she first began dying her hair we’d have to run around putting the boxes in neighbor’s trash cans (taking it out was his one home responsibility aside from taking care of my sister and I a day or two a week)
    Then she went to a hair stylist.

    She kept no secrets from him but that one and I wasn’t going to spoil the fantasy. So I smiled and said “yes it’s amazing.” (She was very beautiful.)

    i dye my hair simply because I know I wouldn’t look good with gray hair

    • Jennifer
      January 13, 2016 / 9:38 pm

      Beautiful story! Really sweet.
      In the end, if we don’t like how we look with gray hair, we’re fortunate enough, not to have to suffer with it. It’s our choice.

  22. January 13, 2016 / 9:10 am

    The Philadelphia Inquirer had an article today in the style section about grey hair and how it’s becoming a trend to let it be. I wanted to go grey and my hairdresser told me I would never be completely grey and he didn’t recommend trying to make it happen. So we played around with more blonde.
    At our age, I feel it’s important to be real, but that doesn’t mean we should stop doing whatever it takes to feel good about ourselves. If coloring your hair is what makes you feel good DO IT! If getting back into a size 6 were as easy as coloring my hair I would jump at the chance!

    • Jennifer
      January 13, 2016 / 9:35 pm

      It’s a fun trend. But again, doesn’t work for me. I’m graying so slowly I’ll be a grizzled mouse color for 30 years!!
      Not my idea of attractive. For me!! So I’m not going there.
      Size 6? LOL!

  23. January 13, 2016 / 7:24 am

    Jennifer, I am with you. Each woman has to do what she wants to make her feel good and I judge no one..Grey, white, pink hair..to each his own. I don’t agree that if you dye you are not being your true self. My true self has mousy brown hair and invisible eyelashes. I do what I have to to feel good and I don’t care what others think. Miss you, xo Kim

    • Jennifer
      January 13, 2016 / 9:32 pm

      Love you darlin’

  24. January 13, 2016 / 6:39 am

    I’m glad I didn’t see the articles on dying gray hair as not authentic.

    My 90 year old mother to this day has something negative to say about everyone’s hair. Usually in public. I fully expect her to rise from her coffin, turn and look at my older sister and I and pronounce “when are you girls going to do something with your hair.”

    For decades mine was either “too brassy” or “dishwater”. My hair is super straight. I was blonde child and kept it that way for nearly 40 years, and then went to highlights. After 20 years of highlights I let it go when I lost my hairdresser. To everyone’s surprise my hair is now mostly brown, I thought it would be predominantly gray. Now mum wants to know if I dye it this “mousy brown”.

    Life with my mother has taught me to mind my own business when it comes to personal appearance. And that’s how I raised our daughter.

    • Jennifer
      January 13, 2016 / 9:31 pm

      Your Mom sounds like a tough gal. Not easy to have as a mother. I had a grandmother like her. Sounds like you did your daughter a service.

  25. January 13, 2016 / 5:41 am

    I would have hoped we’d have outgrown those mean girl jabs behind us in high school. Not only do I color my hair, but I’ve gone to a lot of trouble to tweak the color to a shade that looks best on me. I dress for me, wear makeup for me and decorate my house for me. If I’m any more authentic and transparent about my feelings, you’ll be able to use me as Saran Wrap! XOXOX, Brenda

    • Jennifer
      January 13, 2016 / 9:25 pm

      You’re the very best Brenda!! XXX

  26. January 13, 2016 / 3:31 am

    Love this! I would love to go gray – just because I’m tired of the time & money I spend in my stylist’s chair. My mother had beautiful salt & pepper hair for years then went totally white & was lovely. I have mousy brown hair with lots of gray. Not pretty. So, it’s highlights & lo-lights for me!

    • Jennifer
      January 13, 2016 / 9:23 pm

      Doing what makes you feel good is all that matters. Good for you Cathy!!

  27. January 13, 2016 / 12:28 am

    I agree with Andrea. It is all about the woman who makes the comment. I love my grey hair however do use highlights to lift and even out. Some of it is in the luck of the gene pool into how and when we go grey and how it works with our skin tone.

  28. Elizabeth
    January 12, 2016 / 9:58 pm

    I freely admit that I am hiding something – my gray roots!! I have had red hair since I was 18 and I love it! Even when she knew she had only days to live, my mother asked me to color her hair one last time so she could still feel attractive.

    If there are people who judge me for coloring my hair, they can have at it. I’ve got bigger problems to deal with. Like deciding whether or not to get gel nailsl


    • Jennifer
      January 13, 2016 / 9:22 pm

      You rock! I adore your attitude Elizabeth. Thank you for sharing.

  29. annie vanderven
    January 12, 2016 / 7:39 pm

    women we are our worst enemy, who is making others in charge of how we feel, think etc…? what has happened to INDIVIDUAL rights? we are not sheep…. we want grey, go grey, we want to colour our hair, colour our hair…. The critics really have nothing to do but being very insecure about themselves!!!

    • Jennifer
      January 13, 2016 / 9:20 pm

      I completely agree. They’re showing their own insecurity.

  30. Barbara
    January 12, 2016 / 6:32 pm

    Oh, Please…..who is telling us not to do the best for ourselves at each age….this certainly is ‘french’ if you will…..I love my Mother, but I really didn’t learn from her how to treat myself well, or take care and enjoy it…(old school…and of course I am 73), but I only really began to learn how to take care of my face and body in my 50’s and I seem to learn more all the time…and enjoy it.

    Love yourselves Ladies, and enjoy the whole process, health, fashion at every age, and indulging in good skin care, face and body

    • Jennifer
      January 13, 2016 / 9:19 pm

      Such good advice Barbara! Women need to enjoy and love themselves. Perhaps then, they can allow other women to do the same.

  31. January 12, 2016 / 6:32 pm

    I started to turn white at 18!! Lord knows the money I spent throughout my life dying, low lights, high lights….one time my hair turned blue from the bleach on too long and a toner!

    (long before punk!!)
    when I moved to Montecito; I could not make the trek to Pasadena (my hair guru for 37 years now); so I let it go!! He bleached the hell out of all the dyed part to match the roots…and it was painless!!! I get compliments all the time! It was the right move for me!!

    I judge no one! Decide for yourselves! Also I take no swipes at women! I feel sorry for women who do that to other women. For shame!

    • Jennifer
      January 13, 2016 / 9:17 pm

      I’ve seen your hair and its stunning. Your choice. Your beauty!! Good for you.

  32. January 12, 2016 / 6:31 pm

    I’m grey all the way, but I don’t care what other women decide to do. What interests me is smashing the stereotypes of what is beautiful and sexy.

    As long as you’re happy in your own skin, and you’re not driving yourself crazy chasing the elusive dragon of youth, then dye, don’t dye, grow it, shave it, whatever – it’s only hair!

    • Jennifer
      January 13, 2016 / 9:15 pm

      “Dragon of youth” is a wonderful expression! It’ll eat us alive if we let it.

  33. January 12, 2016 / 6:20 pm

    It’s really sad when women are judgmental and not supportive of each other (and sadly it happens (in subtle and not-so-subtle) ways all the time, regardless of age I think). And it really is always about them, somehow they are not that convinced by their own choices and have a lot of self doubt I think… Yet, it can be very upsetting to those who are criticized (even if we try very hard not be bothered).

    I visited my aunt over the holidays, and we talked about how silly it is that women are told at a certain age that they shouldn’t color their hair. She said, “I’ve been coloring my hair my entire life, and now I’m supposed to stop. That’s just crazy!” And I agree with her. Of course it’s everyone’s choice, and it entirely depends on each person.

    • Jennifer
      January 13, 2016 / 9:13 pm

      It’s so interesting to hear your Aunt’s perspective. I often wonder if this is because we are now “so enlightened”!

  34. Jan
    January 12, 2016 / 4:38 pm

    I love your words…..I follow several blogs for women over 50 and a few for younger women and I’m always amazed at how free some folks feel about sitting in judgement.

  35. Cynthia
    January 12, 2016 / 4:35 pm

    I decided to “go grey” and I’m very surprised at how threatening some women find this.
    I agree with you, whatever we decide to do with our own selves is a personal choice. If I want someone’s opinion, I have the ability to ask them

    I am also surprised , that as we age some women are not being supportive of one another

    • Jennifer
      January 13, 2016 / 9:00 pm

      It continues to surprise me that women our age are so insecure, they need to criticize others, in order to build their own confidence. It annoys me and saddens me.

  36. January 12, 2016 / 4:27 pm

    Well said Jen! I simply cannot understand the desire to criticize or be negative while examining the choices of someone else. All these decisions are strictly personal. We should be empowering ourselves and others to make the authentic choice-whatever it is. Feeling confident in our individual choices is where the real power lies.

    I got up at 5:30 am on Monday to color my silver roots before work. My hair looks shiny and fresh–I’m not ashamed to say. For me it’s the right choice now.

    Love, love this post!
    xx, Heather

    • Jennifer
      January 13, 2016 / 8:57 pm

      You, my friend, are the best. Thanks Heather. XX

  37. B bauer
    January 12, 2016 / 4:16 pm


  38. January 12, 2016 / 4:08 pm

    Oh, I do love you! And your powerful voice. I’ve been coloring my hair for years and I could care less what other people (women) think of my choice to do so. It’s not as if we’re trying to hide something or run from something or not be authentic, it’s exactly as you stated, we’re simply continuing to improve ourselves.

    • Jennifer
      January 13, 2016 / 8:56 pm

      Many thanks! xx
      I love and appreciate all women’s choices. I just get torqued when other women take cheap shots at us.

  39. Cherrie Lucas
    January 12, 2016 / 3:28 pm

    I have a white chunk right in front that was becoming impossible to dye….white roots would begin to show up within three weeks and I was beginning to arrange my social calendar around my salon visits!! So, a little over a year ago I let it go to see just what my grey situation was, and then I decided to not do an allover dye job, but to put in hi-lights to blend my white & grey with the rest of my head……..What a relief!! I now get my hi-lights touched up every couple of months and NEVER worry about those white roots again….and I get tons of compliments!!!

    • Jennifer
      January 13, 2016 / 8:54 pm

      And it’s what you love Cherrie! Good for you. I’d love to see it.

  40. January 12, 2016 / 3:26 pm

    Give me strength. That kind of judgement reminds me of girls who used to criticize me for wearing make-up in university…because I guess I “needed to wear it.” We’re all authentic…such a meaningless word isn’t it? In that context anyway.

    • Jennifer
      January 13, 2016 / 8:52 pm

      Totally Sue!! I can’t believe they said you needed to wear it! Women never cease to amaze and disappoint me sometimes.

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