The Painful Slow-Death of a Friendship
It felt innocent enough. After all, it was a busy summer for everyone.
Late September…
I called her to meet for lunch.
Her~ “I’m pretty busy with my new art classes” Hmm, was I imagining something off?Ā
Me~ “Have I done something to upset you?”.
Her~ “Of course not, I’m just busy!”.
Early October…
I called to meet for coffee.
Her~ “I’ve got book club and I’m meeting my new girlfriends from art class”.
Mid October…
I sent an email…chit chatting and asking to meet for coffee. No response.
I called and left a voice mail…No response.
I texted to follow up.
Me~ “Is everything OK with you? How are things in your life?”.
Her~ “We’re leaving town for Thanksgiving, in 3 weeks.”
This was the end of October! What’s up with that? Everyone’s busy, but a quick coffee is too hard to schedule within a three week period?
I followed up with a voicemail.
Me~ “Have a safe trip and Happy Thanksgiving! We’re taking off for a 3 week Motorhome adventure. I’ll call you when I get home”…No response.
Late November…
I send an email.
Me~ “How was your Thanksgiving, yada, yada, yada. Have you got time to meet for a quick coffee?”…No response.
Since she doesn’t answer (my) calls anymore I send a text.
Me~”Can you meet for coffee?”
Her~”Dinner party tonight! We’re leaving for Kansas in 4 weeks.” Seriously?
Me~”Have fun at the party, what’s in Kansas?”
Her~”Friends”
This is a woman I felt very close to. We’d shared many laughs, confidences and seemed to be on many of the same wavelengths. We’ve only been friends for a few years, but we’d been close.
The sting got more painful the longer this went on so yesterday afternoon I phoned.
No answer…no surprise.
And it all just flowed out…
Me~ “Hi …, it’s Jennifer. I’m calling to find out if you’ve decided you don’t want to be my friend anymore. Maybe you’ve forgotten to tell me you’re through with me. I hate to think I’m imagining this. If I’m not, please put me out of my misery. I really hope you’re doing well. Take care. Bye.”
*I knew she was out & about, doing very well. I’d heard all about her busy party season.
I felt a huge weight lift. My chest didn’t feel tight anymore. I didn’t feel teary and puzzled. It felt like I’d ripped a bandaid off. Quick and clean. I’m usually a direct person, but this was the first time I’d put it all out there so openly. I’m sure my bravery was in no small part, Ā enhanced by the voice mail. No matter. I’m over it.
Her silence throughout the evening and this morning is confirmation that I really didn’t need. I knew it was over. I forced it to be over by opening a window to shed light on what now seems so obvious. She’s just not that into to me…anymore.
I won’t say being dumped by a girlfriend isn’t painful, because it is. This same thing happened to me about 20 years ago. Back then, the pain and wondering went on for months.
This time, I’m fine. What I tolerated at 38 is no longer acceptable at 58!
It doesn’t matter why she decided what she did. I won’t allow someone’s neglect or rejection of me affect how I feel about myself.
When you just know in your gut that it’s over, but you keep trying.
Can you save a friendship with persistence?
How long can or should you persevere trying to fix it?
~~
Such a great post, it would have been better for her to just say something like we’re not really suited, cowardly really
It would certainly have been kinder Jody!!
Hi Jennifer. It baffles me that fully grown women behave this way but sadly they do – I’ve lived to tell the tale! Someone who I thought was a good friend to both me and my children, just suddenly cut all ties from me. To this day, I have no idea why! I did everything you did – telephoned, sent letters, asked her if there was anything I had done to offend her but nothing. I just think that’s the coward’s way out. Be honest with someone! It took me about 2 years to fully get over it and when I bumped into her and her daughter in the hairdresser’s one day, we both blanked each other. So sad for our kids but I honestly didn’t think there was anything else I could do. More recently I’ve had a similar situation with a good friend of about 10 years – is it me?! We’ve kind of repaired things but she just completely distanced herself from me for no apparent reason. We have mutual friends though so we manage to muddle through. Weird isn’t it?!
Having mutual friendships would help one muddle through. We didn’t have that, so were on our own to flounder and decide what our feelings were. It’s not you!! Thanks for sharing with us Suzanne. I am truly amazed how many of us have suffered the same fate.
Hi Jennifer.I’ve only just read this post and I’ve recently written a post about how hard it is to find friends when you get older. It’s definately her loss.Keep being fabulous dahling!x
An interesting follow up to my post of Dec. 29th. The aforementioned ex-friend sent me a lengthy letter a few days ago. Just a rambling newsy overview of her past year. No mention of our “falling out” and it felt as though the letter could have been written to a stranger (the letter was just to me, not a Christmas letter). In the letter she complains about some new in-laws and their religious beliefs and how different they are. I found it snobbish, insulting and negative. Can’t believe it has taken me this long to realize that I really don’t have anything in common with this woman and her negativity is not healthy! Good- bye to her and I will not reply to her letter. No point to a reply. She just wants to brag and complain in a letter once a year. She has no intention of getting together and I don’t need an “Eyeore” bringing me down. The things she complains about are superficial. When I think about women I know who have been through cancer, death of children or spouse…… No friendship here and I feel so much better letting it go. I’m glad she sent the letter – made it so much easier for me!
She did you a favor sending it. Onward to better friendships!! Happy New Year Joyce!
Thanks, Jennifer! Ready for a new year and a fresh start! Happy New Year to you too!
Hi .jennifer i must admit being on the other side of this. I have an old friend that i have been trying to get rid of for years. I am not brave enough to confront her directly as i am a bit afraid of her. I have just tried to do what your friend did and avoid her – it has taken her a few years to take the hint but she has dropped away in the last year. I was worried that she could do me harm like she could when we were at school by bad-mouthing me etc…
Not your situation i am sure
Thanks for sharing. Being afraid makes someone toxic to you and I’m glad she’s gone for you!!
I had the same thing happen to me and we had been BEST friends for years and all of a sudden no response. It is almost like a death.
Sent cards, etc. apologizing if I did anything, pleaded with her to tell me why and nothing.
It has been about 10 years and I am over it but I would still like to know why-there had to be a reason and I could handle the truth more than this.
It really is a cruel, cowardly, hurtful thing that I would never to to anyone, especially a best friend. In hindsight, this is what I wished I had told her and still think about doing it-I was too devastated at the time.
Thanks for sharing Jan! I am amazed how many of us have encountered this in mid-life. I always thoughts of it as a “high school” type behavior. Apparently not.
This is a post I can identify with. I think it sometimes more painful having a breakup with a girlfriend than a boyfriend because of expectations. However, I have been on the other side when I ended a friendship but did not tell the person explicitly why I no longer wanted to see them. I was going through a bad period and could no longer tolerate her shallowness and self-centerness which was something that didn’t bother me during the good times because we had a lot fun together.
I was thinking the same thing about the difference between it happening with a girlfriend vs a boyfriend. Feeling cast aside, hurts no matter who does it.
I am so glad I stumbled upon your blog. I had (past tense seems appropriate) a friend of about 45 years who took offense when I was honest with her. A little history: friends since 3 rd grade, included in family vacations, living overseas at same time, later holidays together with our children and husbands etc. We currently live a 6 hour drive apart. A couple of years ago I contacted her a month in advance of a road trip I was taking to a cooking school (something she also enjoys) 45 min. from her home. She was working on her PhD at the time and I knew she was busy, but asked if she wanted to attend the cooking school with me or at the very least, meet for dinner. She flat out refused all ideas due to the fact that she was SO BUSY. She had an empty nest at the time and a husband who does all the shopping and cooking and a maid! I was hurt and disappointed, but told her I understood. Brooded for a couple of months and then sent her an email telling her of my disappointment. She replied by telling me not to “throw away our friendship” and she never expressed any apology.
Months passed, and I receive a Christmas card (she had forgotten my birthday for the first time in 40 some years). I responded with the hope of getting together in the following year. One year later now and have not heard from her. I am getting over it and realizing that although we have longevity of friendship, perhaps not a deep friendship. And as my succinct and wise husband said, “you’ve never had much in common with her”!
Thank you for letting me get this off my chest! It is therapeutic and I’m happy to know that this is common among women even 50 +.
Thank you for sharing!!
How bizarre for her to implore you not to “throw away your friendship”, when she had already done it!! No matter what her reasons were, it’s painful to feel discarded. Especially after 45 years!! I’m so sorry.
I am sorry to hear that your friend decided to part ways and you don’t know what caused that. I have been there before and it is very painful to get silence from a friend. For me, I stop communicating when a friend does not respond after three times of contacting her. If they are really busy at that time, they will contact me when they are less busy.
I hope you ‘recover’ from your friend’s withdrawal.
Thank you so much!
I had a very, very close friend cut me off without a word. It was horrible. I wondered for years what I had done to cause such a reaction with no explanation. When we returned from China I received a call that she had died and would I please come to the funeral home for visitation. Another friend of the husband told me this was her m.o., she just dumped people. The entire family and everyone treated me like nothing had ever happened, it was surreal. I did get closure, but it did not change the way it hurt. I do feel badly that she was not able to maintain friendships and family ties, it was sad.
Nola Rice
Knowing your friend had a habit of dumping people, doesn’t make it any less painful. Thanks for sharing!
A few years ago I ended a 30 plus year friendship. This “friend” suffered with depression for many years. I was always available for her and unfortunately as well as her drama. At any time and apparently for any reason she would stop communicating, for months! Then loom up and want to resume our friendship as if nothing happened. The last time she went through one of her “episodes” I decided I deserve better. I am too old been through too, much for any further crazy, manipulating nonsense. I explained to her that I no longer could count on her friendship and wished her well. Interestingly, a mutual friend recently had a party that we both attended. We had a great time with each other (she can be very funny) but no way am I returning to that toxic brew. I am so much calmer and HAPPIER, without that unpredictable “friend” in my life. By the way I am 58.
It’s great that you could enjoy each other’s company for the shirt term, but keep your personal boundaries. We have to be able to count on friends.
Hi Jennifer, I have read your blog for awhile now, never commented before. (I found you through Adrienne’s blog) Sorry about the loss of your friendship, I have had that happen in the past with a couple friends and drove myself nuts wondering what when wrong?
On the opposite end of the spectrum I ended a friendship just last year. For the last 5 years or so this friend had become very negative and critical. Even of my family members! And it seemed that every time I was around her I could not be myself anymore and we just didn’t have much in common. The straw that broke the camel’s back was when she called me up to ask a favor. (which I had done for her many times before) I was sick with a cold and could not help her out. She ended up getting mad and hanging up on me! A few weeks later she emailed me like nothing happened. I responded back by telling her that I thought she owed me an apology and big shock…she thought it was me that should apologize! A few emails back and forth ended up with me just opening the flood gates and telling her exactly how I felt about everything. HUGE relief!
I haven’t spoken to her since then although she made a couple attempts to contact me. It’s really hard when you have known someone that long (since middle school) but I just CAN’T go back there. (plus I see her getting worse as she gets older) I have some other really great friends so why do I need that drama in my life? I can see now that she was a toxic friend and I am so much better off!!
Linda in San Diego
Hi Linda,
Welcome!
Thanks for sharing your story! I am amazed at the response I’ve received and the number of women this sort of thing has happened to!
Being older, wiser and more confident certainly helps, doesn’t it? Bravo for you speaking out. She sounds like a friend you can definitely live without.
interestingly enough even though people say there are two sides to every story – in this case what i find interesting is that the manner in which she has handled shows her personality. And truth be told if she handled it better i would have grieved more for that friendship myself but i find someone’s character is shown in how matters are handled when things are bad. I mean everyone is nice and sweet when the going is good but when things go wrong – that is the true litmus test and i dare say you really have not missed out on that person too much.
There are always two sides to every situation. And I only know mine. We have spoken and have a difference of opinion on how this occurred. She remembers things differently than I…so I am now left to ponder my role in this. A post script is due.
Sigh… so familiar … and painful.
To answer one of your questions, no, you cannot save a friendship with persistence, unless each person is equally devoted. Friendship is like a garden cared for by two gardeners, each responsible for 100% of their side. Not 50, 100. If one gardener neglects their side, the weeds will kill every flower and fruit no matter how persistent and devoted the other gardener.
I used to ask if I had done something to offend, but each time I asked I was made to feel as if I was delusional, so now I don’t ask, I just walk away permanently. I refuse to surround myself with anyone who is not edifying, uplifting, genuine and transparent. Boundaries that remind me I matter, and “why I love being over 50.” š
Good read, Jennifer.
xoxo
Thanks Marcia! Great wisdom in your comment. It is 100% effort on both sides. Just like in a marriage!!
It is difficult to express myself correctly, my English is better passive than active. I had the same problem. Thought I would have found some few new friends only to find out, it seems I’m not really good, rich, stylish etc. enough for them. As I am 61 I thought: who cares. I will not let my well-being determined by the feedback of others any longer.
Because then I leave it to others to build up or down my strength – not any longer with me.
PS I love being over 60 š
That’s the perfect attitude!! In the end, we need to be happy with ourselves. The person we see reflected on others eyes is not always our truth.
Really tough, I experienced something very different with a very close friend. Good not to have the little voice that holds you back to stand up for your truth!
Agreed!