Monday Musings: Do We Need Everyone Else to Agree?

Happy Monday, ladies. We had a glorious weekend here. The weather has a decidedly fall vibe, and leaves are turning everywhere. Many people are still wearing shorts and thin tops, but I seem to feel a chill more easily these days, so I’ve been wearing sleeves.

We walked in the forest, checked out what COS has in store, and got in some forest bathing…my favorite part of the weekend. COS was full of interesting pieces, so I’m eager to go back and try some on. Do you shop at COS?

I wore my favorite old F&E Malibu Travel set, the perfect mix of cozy and casual. Mine is a few years old, back when they used the cropped pant. Today’s version comes with the full-length Catherine pant…which I actually prefer. I popped my Talbots no-iron shirt underneath and carried this new slouchy tote bag that Apache London sent me to try.

It’s a roomy, slouchy bag with several internal pockets and three exterior zip pockets. I’ll share more once I’ve carried it for a while.

For the forest, I wore my comfiest Hokas and my Frank & Eileen cotton cardigan, which actually wasn’t warm enough in the shade of the trees.

I’ve got several cashmere sweaters here in Vancouver, so I’m not going to be shy about bringing them out. If everyone else is still in short sleeves, so be it.

Do We Need Everyone Else to Agree?

I think one of the nicer pleasures of getting older is that we stop needing quite so much consensus. Many of us were taught not to look overdressed, underdressed, too noticeable, or somehow out of step with everyone else. That’s a lot of energy spent worrying about people who probably aren’t looking at us anyway.

Perhaps what we’re really afraid of is looking as though we’ve misread the room. Clothes are one of the ways we signal that we belong, and most of us became very good at checking what everyone else was wearing before deciding whether we looked “right.”

There’s a difference, though, between dressing with an awareness of the occasion and dressing by consensus. I wouldn’t wear hiking clothes to a wedding or a cashmere sweater on a hot day simply to prove a point. The setting matters, and showing respect for it matters. But much of what we call appropriate has nothing to do with courtesy. It’s often about not wanting to be the only woman wearing a bright color, a dress, a hat, a bold pair of earrings, or apparently, a warm sweater.

Women are expected to strike an impossible balance. We should look polished but not as if we tried too hard. Current but not trendy. Attractive but not attention-seeking. Once we’re older, another layer gets added: don’t look frumpy, but don’t look as though you’re trying to look young. There’s no reliable way to get all of that “right,” because the rules contradict one another.

I’m becoming less interested in passing that test.

That doesn’t mean I’ve stopped caring how I look. I care enough to dress for my own body, comfort, taste, and life without waiting for the room to confirm that I’ve made the right choice. Sometimes that means being a little dressier than everyone else. Sometimes it means wearing sneakers when other women are in heels. Sometimes it simply means putting on cashmere while people around me are still determined to call it shorts weather.

Maybe this is one of the freedoms that comes with age. We don’t necessarily stop caring what people think, but we become more selective about whose opinion deserves any weight.

Do you still look around the room to see whether what you’re wearing is “right,” or have you become more comfortable being slightly out of step?

Reader questions

Q – I’m 5’2″ and currently trying to lose 10 pounds for health reasons. Is that enough to change my clothing size and mean I’ll need to replace some of my clothes? What can I safely buy now, and what should I wait to buy until my weight stabilizes?

A – At 5′2″, losing 10 pounds could mean going down a size, although it depends on where you lose it. You probably won’t need to replace everything because relaxed cuts, elastic waists, and fabrics with some stretch can accommodate a modest change. Buy enough to feel good in your clothes now, but I’d wait on fitted jeans, tailored trousers, structured blazers, and anything expensive that depends on a precise fit. Sweaters, cardigans, relaxed tops, shoes, and accessories are much safer bets.

Q – I’d like some recommendations for pull-on jeans. I am done with buttons and zippers that dig in when I sit down.

A – You’re certainly not alone. Pull-on jeans have come a long way, and many now look like traditional jeans, without the button and zipper pressing into us when we sit. The waistband still matters, though. A wide or bulky one can be just as uncomfortable, so I’d look for a smooth band that lies flat under your tops.

• These Spanx pull-on jeans have traditional 5-pocket styling and look more like regular jeans than many pull-on styles.
• I’m particularly fond of these Chico’s straight-leg pull-on jeans, which have a narrower waistband that’s easy to hide under hip-length tops.
• My F&E Pull-On Westport jeans are expensive, but they’re extremely comfortable and hold their shape all day.
• I haven’t tried these affordable ones from Quince, so I can’t speak to the fit, but the reviews are very positive.

Here are a few more options:

Are you a fan of pull-on jeans? I happen to love them.