Monday Musings: Do We Need Everyone Else to Agree?
Happy Monday, ladies. We had a glorious weekend here. The weather has a decidedly fall vibe, and leaves are turning everywhere. Many people are still wearing shorts and thin tops, but I seem to feel a chill more easily these days, so I’ve been wearing sleeves.
We walked in the forest, checked out what COS has in store, and got in some forest bathing…my favorite part of the weekend. COS was full of interesting pieces, so I’m eager to go back and try some on. Do you shop at COS?
Monday Musings: Do We Need Everyone Else to Agree?
I wore my favorite old F&E Malibu Travel set, the perfect mix of cozy and casual. Mine is a few years old, back when they used the cropped pant. Today’s version comes with the full-length Catherine pant…which I actually prefer. I popped my Talbots no-iron shirt underneath and carried this new slouchy tote bag that Apache London sent me to try.
It’s a roomy, slouchy bag with several internal pockets and three exterior zip pockets. I’ll share more once I’ve carried it for a while.
For the forest, I wore my comfiest Hokas and my Frank & Eileen cotton cardigan, which actually wasn’t warm enough in the shade of the trees.
I’ve got several cashmere sweaters here in Vancouver, so I’m not going to be shy about bringing them out. If everyone else is still in short sleeves, so be it.
Do We Need Everyone Else to Agree?
I think one of the nicer pleasures of getting older is that we stop needing quite so much consensus. Many of us were taught not to look overdressed, underdressed, too noticeable, or somehow out of step with everyone else. That’s a lot of energy spent worrying about people who probably aren’t looking at us anyway.
Perhaps what we’re really afraid of is looking as though we’ve misread the room. Clothes are one of the ways we signal that we belong, and most of us became very good at checking what everyone else was wearing before deciding whether we looked “right.”
There’s a difference, though, between dressing with an awareness of the occasion and dressing by consensus. I wouldn’t wear hiking clothes to a wedding or a cashmere sweater on a hot day simply to prove a point. The setting matters, and showing respect for it matters. But much of what we call appropriate has nothing to do with courtesy. It’s often about not wanting to be the only woman wearing a bright color, a dress, a hat, a bold pair of earrings, or apparently, a warm sweater.
Women are expected to strike an impossible balance. We should look polished but not as if we tried too hard. Current but not trendy. Attractive but not attention-seeking. Once we’re older, another layer gets added: don’t look frumpy, but don’t look as though you’re trying to look young. There’s no reliable way to get all of that “right,” because the rules contradict one another.
I’m becoming less interested in passing that test.
That doesn’t mean I’ve stopped caring how I look. I care enough to dress for my own body, comfort, taste, and life without waiting for the room to confirm that I’ve made the right choice. Sometimes that means being a little dressier than everyone else. Sometimes it means wearing sneakers when other women are in heels. And sometimes it simply means putting on cashmere while people around me are still determined to call it shorts weather.
Maybe this is one of the freedoms that comes with age. We don’t necessarily stop caring what people think, but we become more selective about whose opinion deserves any weight.
Do you still look around the room to see whether what you’re wearing is “right,” or have you become more comfortable being slightly out of step?
Reader questions
Q – I’m 5’2″ and currently trying to lose 10 pounds for health reasons. Is that enough to change my clothing size and mean I’ll need to replace some of my clothes? What can I safely buy now, and what should I wait to buy until my weight stabilizes?
A – At 5′2″, losing 10 pounds could mean going down a size, although it depends on where you lose it. You probably won’t need to replace everything because relaxed cuts, elastic waists, and fabrics with some stretch can accommodate a modest change. Buy enough to feel good in your clothes now, but I’d wait on fitted jeans, tailored trousers, structured blazers, and anything expensive that depends on a precise fit. Sweaters, cardigans, relaxed tops, shoes, and accessories are much safer bets.
Q – I’d like some recommendations for pull-on jeans. I am done with buttons and zippers that dig in when I sit down.
A – You’re certainly not alone. Pull-on jeans have come a long way, and many now look like traditional jeans, without the button and zipper pressing into us when we sit. The waistband still matters, though. A wide or bulky one can be just as uncomfortable, so I’d look for a smooth band that lies flat under your tops.
- These Spanx pull-on jeans have traditional 5-pocket styling and look more like regular jeans than many pull-on styles.
- I’m particularly fond of these Chico’s straight-leg pull-on jeans, which have a narrower waistband that’s easy to hide under hip-length tops.
- My F&E Pull-On Westport jeans are expensive, but they’re extremely comfortable and hold their shape all day.
- I haven’t tried these affordable ones from Quince, so I can’t speak to the fit, but the reviews are very positive.
Here are a few more options:
Are you a fan of pull-on jeans? I happen to love them.
Thank you! This blog made me smile and think of happy thoughts of my parents. Both of them dressed very smartly but loved bright colors, especially red. And for my Dad if it was a red plaid that was even better. So of course I have never worried about being like everyone else. Lol!!
My mantra has always been if you don’t like the way I look, look at somebody else.
I love your mantra Kay.
Your blog is so refreshing! Love your attitude, writing, and perspective on fashion. And your ideas on aging. You have also opened my eyes to places I haven’t shopped at. The purchases I have made from items you have featured have become favorites! I would be interested in a post talking about your skin care and basic make up routine. Both are areas I could use help in. Thanks for all the time & effort you put in. It makes my day reading your posts!
I like pull on jeans but only own one pair. Since I’ve lost 125 lbs, I’m very comfortable in high rise jeans and have begun to wear them every day! No more old lady stretch pants for me!
Congratulations Madge! That is amazing.
We were on a cruise several years ago and for some reason, I felt very self conscious in what I was wearing. I knew I’d just make myself miserable worrying about. So decided to reframe my thinking. I thought perhaps other women were looking at me thinking they’d like to dress like me! Made me feel much more comfortable.
I love Talbots traveler pullon jeans!! Some styles have pockets & some do not. They are very comfortable, don’t bag & come out of the dryer looking brand new!
That’s a great attitude Susan. I bet they were.
I’m 73, living in Vancouver and also wearing sweaters, don’t care what everyone else is wearing anymore. I follow fashion trends and try to add them into my wardrobe every season. Otherwise I go for classic and comfortable which works well for me.
Where I live the young people are wearing gym wear all the time, I looked out my window yesterday to see a young woman wearing a workout bra top with matching pants. It looked expensive but pushing the limits for street wear.
I see that everywhere these days and just don’t get it. Many of their outfits leave very little to the imagination
I find I’m feeling cold this year too. Must be age – 73. I even bought a cardigan a couple of weeks ago and I don’t wear sweaters but it’s the perfect pop on layer when your top alone feels chilly.
I don’t wear pull on pants as they tend to slip down on me. I prefer a structured waist with zipper and button.
I’ve never shopped at COS. Are they in Canada? I’ll find your try on interesting.
There is one in downtown Vancouver. Nothing near me in California.
I am out of step and I don’t care anymore. If people don’t like what I wear, then don’t hang out with me. I do like those pull on jeans! They look comfy. Some are wayyyy over the budget though. Thanks for your blog. I look forward to reading your blog every day.
Also, What is COS?
COS is a clothing brand and the initials stand for Collection of Style. Its own by the same conglomerate that owns H&M.
I currently don’t wear pull on jeans but would not rule them out if I found a cute pair that fit. I’m glad you talked about fitting in. As I’ve gotten older I do want to look current but comfort is definitely more important, especially with shoes. I’m so glad sneakers are in!
I am on the same page as your reader who only wants to wear pull on jeans at this point in life. I purchased a pair of wide length light wash jeans from Coldwater Creek a few years ago and they have been a mainstay of my wardrobe in the warmer months. In the cooler months I prefer my Gloria Vanderbilt Amanda slightly bootcut jeans that I purchased from Kohls. They both stay up, don’t dig into the waist and are super comfortable but still flattering.
In theory, I like the idea of pull-on jeans. I’ve tried many, including the Chicos, Talbots, and Nic & Zoe ones you show — and the problem is the front pockets. Every single pair had front pockets that gaped open. I’d far rather have no pockets than trade uncomfortable waistbands for thick, bulky, gaping pockets.
Many have faux pockets, Anne. I’ll hunt some down.
“Maybe this is one of the freedoms that comes with age. We don’t necessarily stop caring what people think, but we become more selective about whose opinion deserves any weight.”
You are so brilliant!! Could not agree more!
Have a wonderful day.
Really good advice today. I always enjoy your take on fashion.
Timely blog you sent out. I am 69 and still find myself worrying over what I will wear and how people will see it, some days. Then other days, it’s “this is me today” and I wear the outfit. Several years ago, I decided to wear a hat, with my spring dress to church, it was Palm Sunday, and I had several hats I loved. Got to church, feeling stylish and fashionable, then a lady behind me, loudly announced “I didn’t know it was hat day”. The church attendance was about 45 per Sunday, with capacity for 150, i.e. not a big congregation, and I was fairly new attending. I turned to her and replied -“every day is hat day”. So the point, wear what makes you smile and feel like a 5 year old that dressed herself. Have a blessed week.
I love that Jenice. Thanks for sharing. I agree that everyday is hat day.
I have found over the years (88)that the most important thing in dressing is to look good in what you wear. I tend to have a pot belly because that is where my extra weight goes and when I really work on reducing that I feel better in all my clothes. Trouble is, it is an ongoing battle and sometimes I forget it and leave many of my clothes unworn because they emphasize that. also posture is a big factor in feeling confident in your clothes.
Please wear and enjoy them, Sue. You deserve it.
I have one pair of travel jeans that are pull on from Talbots that I love which are slim straight and the only ones that fit me in the store which I think are PP are PXS. They always wash well and wear well. They are some knit jean. Love them!
I am a big fan of knit jeans which is why I love my Miramars so much.
Girl. I spent a long while on COS’ site yesterday during football watching (NFL and Premier League). I never find anything when I make it to a store, and you know how the models look online. They don’t make it easy! Yet, I’ve shopped them for years. Always love those architectural pieces they have. This season I noted a cool dark brown that winters can wear! And purple! I will at least be picking up some clean cut ts. Quality is excellent. Sometimes the styles make it down to H and M. (Same company.) Dare I say that folks who like Talbots/Chicos/J Jill may not like COS. But it’s at least different from everything else, which I appreciate. Oh and I bought perfume there this summer! &Other stories is also worth checking out.
I went in to replace my tee’s 🥰. They’re a staple in my wardrobe. Perfect neckline to show under a crewneck sweater too. I saw that brown and thought of it for me (true summer). It’s yummy! And the purple is a show stopper. It’s very modern and that’s what I like about them.
I have always dressed for myself. Now that I’m 70 it may be more casual but casual doesn’t mean sloppy.
I agree!
I love the look of COS clothes, but I can’t figure the sizing. Unfortunately there’s no store within an hour from where I live to just go and do a try on, so I am really looking forward to yours!
The models do make it very hard to see the fit. I’ll try to get in next week.
You hit it spot on today.
I’m always wondering if I’m dressed correctly or not but some days I just throw my hands up in the air and decide not to worry about a thing.
That struggle is so real, Juliet.