Civility and Style
I had another post planned for today but felt this was more timely. This topic has been on my mind for weeks, then events over the weekend brought it to a head. I invite you to agree or disagree with me but for the sake of civility, please be polite.
When I was in middle school, the mean girls ruled by intimidation. I wasn’t part of their crowd so was fair game. Their weapon was to publicly humiliate me for what I was wearing. Sadly, some of those mean girls have grown into mean women who feel entitled to do the same.
As a style blogger, I put myself out there in the public eye and welcome feedback. When negative comments cross the line to name calling and cruelty, they’ve gone too far. Social media can feel like a battlefield some days and my Facebook page became the front line last Friday.
A woman commented that I was narcissistic and shallow for sharing pictures of what I wore. Hello? She was on the business page for my blog which makes it pretty clear what I do. She said my outfit looked boring and insisted I had to wear more color because that’s what women with careers did. She began private messaging me where her comments crossed the line to vicious. I finally banned her from my page and deleted the entire exchange.
This got me thinking about women who aren’t style bloggers. Women who wish to try new styles and change their look. Many of us need to transition our style because of retirement, physical challenges, or other lifestyle changes. Some of us are just ready for a change.
We’re bombarded with enough messages about how we should and shouldn’t look. We’re told we shouldn’t wear certain fashions because of our age, shape, size, etc, etc. When you add the verbal critiques from other women into the mix…you have the perfect storm to cripple some woman’s style creativity.
I’m not the only one who has overheard 2 or more women, openly pick apart another woman’s appearance. It’s called gossip and it’s mean. Offhand comments do more damage than you might imagine. We need to support and encourage other women’s fashion choices. Just because it’s not your style doesn’t make it wrong.
What do you think?
Have you got a great retort for critiques about how you look?
Thanks for reading and have a great day!
Right on Jennifer! I don’t think I have ever been opening criticized for what I was wearing, but then, I don’t have a style blog. This woman sounds like a cross between a mean girl and an internet troll.
Barb
Follow-up. I scrolled on down and looked what popped up! “The Power of Dressing when you Feel Lousy”. See what I mean??
Jennifer, I understand why you feel the need to write this post. Yes, this IS a business blog we follow by choice. We find your content helpful. One of the main reasons that I choose to follow you is that looking my personal best within my budget and for my body structure gives me confidence and helps keep me forward thinking instead of “well, I guess this is who I am at 65.” Another is that you share life transitions such as dealing with relocation options. And when you share struggles with your hair, it reminds us we all have something to deal with! I love both Dressing room Diaries in the mix and your notice of the sales! If you could be a little taller and develop a pear shape you would be perfect. And, no one is perfect!! Thank you!!!
Many people don’t remember that we are not to judge others; that responsibility is not ours.
The best point of growing older is the self confidence that builds through the years. When we are confronted by people from our fragile pasts, sometimes past hurt feelings surface and we are once again young in our confidence level.
We must remember that we are strong now and no one can hurt us by THEIR apparent non-growth in the human quality of individuality appreciation.
People who must be part of a crowd who judge others are not part of the people I want to surround myself.
Stay strong!!!
Oh Jennifer, I am so sorry you had to endure this harassment. I agree with you that we women need to support each other.There is enough negativity in the world. No one needs to add to it with this type of bullying. Personally, I think you always look fabulous! I am sending healing, happy thoughts your way today.
Hi Jennifer. I can’t help thinking that people who behaved like she did, pushing the issues well past civility, have other issues going on in their lives. They focus on something or someone else as a distraction. They thrive in anonymity. Most of us who read you do so for ideas on what to wear and how to style ourselves and enjoy your view-sharing. That you write well and thoughtfully is a big bonus!! ???? You did the right thing to block her. Life is too short now to lose time in such nonsense. I am sorry you had to deal with this bullying. But your fans have your back. Thank you!
Jennifer,
I noticed it happening on my instagram account twice last week. They weren’t being mean and vicious, just telling me they didn’t like my look. One actually told me how to wear it better in her opinion.
Then I saw what people were commenting on a movie star who ( in my opinion looked stunning at the Emmy’s) but said she was too old to wear a ponytail extension .
What age do we stop trying to look fabulous?
Civility has been gone for the last few years and many people feel they are entitled to tell us what they think good and bad.
I know many of my fashion styles are not favored by all women but that doesn’t mean it should be commented on. If you don’t like my style, move on to find fashion that speaks to you.
I am sorry someone Felt entitled to be nasty to you.
Apparently they aren’t classy enough to know better.
Thank you, a Jennifer, for your beautiful blog. About a year ago I was immediately drawn to a photo of a classy looking woman on Pinterest. My first thought was that I wanted to look like you. I followed the picture to your blog. I subscribed and have read every post since then. I love your style. You are classy, modern, appropriate, attractive, professional and oh-so-helpful! I enjoy your writing style as well as your interpretation and expression of fashion for women of my age. I’m 62. You have made me feel empowered and confident. Your suggestions and comments are always beneficial. Please keep up the good work. You are a beautiful person inside and out.
Jennifer, when women pick apart someone like that it is because of their own insecurities and poor self image. Trying to lift themselves up in someone else’s eyes.
You do what you do, ( a well styled life blog) and you do it it well . Keep up the good work,
I love your blog and have learned quite a number of dressing tips from you. Learned about your blog because I read Brenda Kissel’s blog. I’m 73 but don’t want to look like an old lady nor do I want to dress like I’m in my 20s. Your style is just terrific. Too bad people have to be so mean. To me, it just means that they are not very happy or comfortable with themselves.
Thanks for speaking up! If we don’t like you, we need to not visit. We’re all big girls now.
I appreciate seeing fashion on someone who isn’t 19 years old, 5’11” and 108 lbs. Also, it’s more “style” than “fashion,” which to me is either about wearing haute couture (and that is almost like performance art, and the pieces cost as much as works of art, too) or about chasing brand names. Style is about personality.
Do what your mom undoubtedly told you to do in the face of mean girls: ignore them. Their attacks say more about their own insecurities than anything about you.
Be Kind! That’s my mantra. I enjoy your blog it’s fun, , but you are right, life’s too short, most folks are good people, so Delete Them….they’re not worth any ankst or another thought. Really…they are angry and frustrated people with anger management issues, who almost always anonymously, feel they can write what they want. Bad side of technology methinks….social skills have gone down the tube. How can you tell I’m 70, LOL?
Jennifer, there’s a term for the woman who crossed over the line to bully and intimidate, and it’s usually “Borderline Personality Disorder”….Those tough clients are not amenable to being enlightened/having insight about the damage that they inflict, so best to do as you did: Block them, stay away, don’t be hooked into confrontation mode. Mental health disorder folks shouldn’t be debated….
However, there are some critical comment folks who are just plain ol’ mean. I feel it’s best not to sink down to their level. You are smart, confident, and serve a very useful purpose for your readers. Developing a few phrases to put the spotlight back on a ‘Meanie’ is a good tactic. For example, “I’m surprised you feel that way”. Or, “I find all criticism ‘constructive criticism”, or the ultimate shutdown, “Thank you for your input”. Meanies like to witness or experience a reaction from their target: Don’t give them the satisfaction. ‘Sounds like you have some very strong feelings on this topic”. Bullies are always looking for ‘reactions’ of targets being hurt: Don’t be a player in their game!. But the woman who continued to PM you: Watch out for the truly disturbed, as they can cause a lot of serious trouble. You were wise to block!
Jennifer, let me say right up front I LOVE YOU. Your style notes inspire me, although physically, we have little in common. At my tallest, I was 5′-10″ but back issues have taken me down to 5′-7.5″. Still, I guess that’s on the tall side. “Mean girls” – as a kid, I wasn’t really bullied, and I was on the fringes of the cool kids. I was NEVER a bully, though. I can understand “mean girls” – they’re not yet mature enough to have a lot of empathy, and I think ALL kids today suffer from “center of the universe” syndrome. But once those mean girls have grown up, and are STILL mean women, something is seriously wrong with them. And I think we all have come across mean women, even as adults (and I’ll be 65 in January). Don’t ever let them get you down, though!! I love Michele Obama’s quote: “When they go low, we go high.”
Hello, I rarely comment to posts, but this moved me. Just remember that her comments are more about her and not about you. I hear envy, self-doubt, and hurt coming from her words. As Brene Brown says, “if you are not in the game, your fighting words mean nothing”. Keep doing what you enjoy.
I totally agree with you. My granddaughter is being bombarded with mean and vicious comments in middle school.
It seems bizarre to me that someone would go to a style blog to make criticisms about a focus on clothes! What did she think your blog was about? Cat photos perhaps!
I do think all people should be encouraged to be themselves, after all, they can only be a second-rate imitation of someone else, but a first-rate example of themselves. Who knows, it may be that your own style is just what someone else is admiring and wanting to copy!
As long as you dress in a way that makes you happy and comfortable and at ease then it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. Actually, they will probably admire the way you are bien dans sa peau!
I have followed your blog for a little over a year now (8/2016) …and can honestly say I have enjoyed each one, whether it being about a trip you’ve taken or the latest Dressing Room Diary.
I cannot imagine why that nasty woman felt the need to be so negative. You’re not “in her face” force-feeding her your opinions. She’s CHOOSING TO click on your blog and read what you write and view your photos.
Please keep up the good work for so many of us who LIKE your sense of style, honesty and opinions!!
Best wishes,
Lisa in Scarsdale
It is true that there are many grown up “mean girls”. It is interesting because many of the grown up “mean girls” I know consider themselves to be very nice and kind women, but they feel entitled to privately riducule other women. It is hard to ignore, but I believe it is best to work very hard at not caring what they think or speak about behind one’s back.
I am sorry you have to face public ridicule because of your blog.
Well said. Women are women’s worst enemies. Perhaps tearing someone down to build themselves up? It’s shameful, whatever the reason.
I applaud you each time you post for your honesty and courage. It must be difficult sometimes to put yourself out there to possible abuse. So, just one person’s view, but I love your blog and send kudos to you. You always look beautiful and you’ve certainly helped me with style choices. So…nay to the naysayers! You go girl!
Well said Jennifer!! And thank you for standing up to this individual. I love the phrase “for every finger you point at someone, there are three pointing back at you!” There is no place for bullying in my world – so I thank you for this timely post.
I am sorry for the rude, inexcusable behavior you experienced! I agree–we all need to be more civil & supportive to each other.
I have never understood people who openly criticize others be it fashion, hair, makeup or style. I understand competitiveness, but people don’t seem to know how to filter their opinions any longer. The rules of civility still stand and are even more important in this age of social media. There will always be mean girls/women out there and blocking this person was appropriate. Let her apologize before allowing her back into your world.
I always admired two effective retorts used by my male friends. The main problem with the mean or interfering remarks is that they are aiming toward a protracted “dialogue”, as happened with your commenter. Either of these strategies really shuts them down and leaves them nowhere to go.
1. (said quietly and in a sincere tone) Thank you. (for showing “concern” for me)
2. You may be right. (who can argue after they’re already right and, of course, you think to yourself “equally, you may be wrong”)
I appreciate your reminder of politeness. It’s more difficult to politely articulate a difference in mind, and to have a civil exchange of differing ideas — virtues that our country was founded upon, and, sadly, not always used with social media — than it is to use unedited words and meanness. I suppose it’s the anonymity. Keep kindness in mind, always, and agree to disagree, without slander.
No, Jennifer, I don’t. When something Like that happens, I’m usually too shocked to respond. Most of our generation was raised with good manners. My Mother always said “if you don’t have anything nice to say, say nothing”. I’m not sure what type of person could be that judgmental. I guess I’m not secure enough to judge someone else. But I don’t think that a woman who is sure of herself and her image would be a bully either. After so many eons of women being treated like second class citizens, we must stand united and support each other.
I thank you for putting yourself out there.
I was also thinking, maybe this is an opportunity. To educate. I read alot of books on colors, clothes etc. And I have read that other countries have different views on dress than us. Some like neutrals, some like color, we wear white to get married, other countries wear white when a death has occurred. Some believe dark colors are business like, others believe color make them happy. We may need to discuss our views on this topic, so we can learn how to “see”each other better.? Thanks for being brave enough to bring this topic up. Thanks, keep up the good work!
I am that I don’t seem to have received many negative comments on my blog. Some don’t like or agree with what I wear but that is fine. I was given some advice many years ago. My trainer taught me that “What comes our of someones mouth (or in this case written word) says everything about them and nothing about you.” People give so much away about themselves if you care to pay attention to thier language etc.
My mother always said, ‘Consider the source.’ What she meant was that there’s usually more going on with a person that prompts their comments. That advice gives me perspective. It’s not so much about me as about that person.
I think a good comment to the kind of criticism about what you wear would be something like, ‘I hear you, but I feel really comfortable and confident in how I’m dressed today.’ Nothing more need be said.