How to Advocate for Yourself at the Doctor’s Office: Especially As You Get Older
As I’ve gotten older, I’ve noticed how often symptoms like fatigue, joint pain, and a reaction to medication get waved off with a smile and a “That’s normal at your age.” Sometimes that’s true. But sometimes it’s not. I’ve learned the hard way how important it is to advocate for yourself at the doctor because being politely dismissed can have real consequences.
Years ago, I kept insisting that a small spot on my skin didn’t look right. Multiple doctors brushed it off, but I wouldn’t let it go. It turned out to be melanoma, and catching it early quite literally saved my life. You can read my experience here: How to Spot Skin Cancer and Melanoma
That experience shifted something in me. I’ve become so persistent about asking the right questions and pressing for clear answers that several family members have asked me to be their medical advocate. Apparently, I’ve built a reputation for not backing down when it comes to care. And honestly, I’m okay with that. Being calm, informed, and quietly relentless has served me and my loved ones well.
Dress the Part Because It Still Matters
Like it or not, how you present yourself at a doctor’s office can shape how seriously you’re taken. I’m not suggesting you wear a suit or heels, but what you wear does send a message.
Clothes that look polished and pulled together, even in a simple way, signal that you’re paying attention and expect the same in return. It helps shift the dynamic from “passive patient” to “informed adult seeking real answers.”
Personally, I avoid anything that looks too casual, sloppy, or overly comfortable…no leggings, workout gear, or anything I’d wear for cleaning the house. Instead, I choose pieces that feel sharp but easy: a tailored shirt, real pants, clean shoes, maybe a light jacket. I want to feel like the most grounded version of myself walking in that room.
This isn’t about looking stylish. It’s about being taken seriously before you ever say a word.
Before Your Appointment: How to Prepare and Advocate for Yourself
Get Organized
A little preparation can make a big difference, especially if you tend to feel rushed or flustered once you’re sitting in that chilly exam room. Here are a few simple things I do before every appointment to help me feel calm, organized, and in control.
Jot Down Your Concerns
It sounds obvious, but when you are face to face with your doctor, it is easy to forget half of what you wanted to say. I keep a running list in the Notes app on my phone. If something has been bothering me, whether it is a new symptom or a recurring one, I write it down.
Track Symptoms if You Can
For ongoing issues like joint pain, migraines, or poor sleep, tracking patterns helps. You don’t need a special app…just jot it down in a calendar or notebook.
Bring a List of Medications and Supplements
Every time. Even if you think they already have it. I include over-the-counter vitamins, herbal supplements, and any topicals I am using. They can interact with prescriptions or affect lab results.
Prioritize What You Want to Cover
Go in with a short list in order of importance. That way, if time runs short, you’ll at least address what matters most. If you have several things to discuss, let your doctor know at the beginning so you can both manage the time.
What to Say (and Ask) During the Appointment
It took me years to feel comfortable doing this, but I remind myself: this is my body, my health, and my time. Doctors are human and busy…so if I’m not clear about what I need, it’s easy for things to get glossed over.
Speak Up Without Minimizing
Avoid phrases like “This probably is not a big deal” or “It’s just a little thing.” If it is important enough to bring up, it is important enough to discuss.
Try saying:
- “I’ve been dealing with this for a few months, and it’s really affecting my day-to-day life.”
- “This has been worrying me.”
Ask Questions and Take Notes
Ask Questions and Take
Don’t be shy about asking:
- What does that mean?
- What are my options?
- Is this common for my age?
- What are the risks and benefits of that treatment?
Writing things down helps me stay focused and helps me remember what to follow up on later. I’ve even said, “Do you mind if I take notes while we talk or record our conversation?” Most doctors appreciate it.
Don’t Pretend to Understand If You Don’t
If something doesn’t make sense, ask for a simpler explanation. I’ll often say, “Can you explain that in plain English?” or “I’m not familiar with that, can you break it down for me?”
What to Do When You Feel Dismissed By Your Doctor
Unfortunately, this still happens. And yes, sometimes it’s related to age, gender, or both. If you feel brushed off, you don’t have to sit quietly and accept it.
Reframe the Conversation
If you’re not getting traction with your concerns, try explaining the impact. Instead of “My knees hurt,” say, “I’ve stopped taking my daily walks because of knee pain.” It signals that this isn’t just discomfort, it’s limiting your life.
Push Back (Gently)
You can still be respectful and assertive. Try:
- “I know this may not seem urgent, but it’s impacting how I feel every day.”
- “I’d really like to explore this further. Can we run some tests or try a referral?”
- “Is there anything else we can consider before assuming it’s just age-related?”
These aren’t confrontational—they’re collaborative.
Trust Your Gut
You know your body. And you know when a provider isn’t really listening. If you’re consistently feeling dismissed, it might be time to find someone new. That’s not dramatic, it’s wise.
Bring Backup if You Need It
Sometimes, just having another person in the room can shift the energy. Whether it’s your spouse, a friend, or a grown child, having someone there to help take notes or ask questions can be reassuring, especially for bigger or more emotional appointments.
After the Appointment: Following Up and Staying Involved
Once you leave, take a few minutes to go over your notes. Did everything make sense? Are there test results you’re waiting on? Mark your calendar and follow up if you don’t hear back.
And if a treatment doesn’t work or symptoms continue, don’t hesitate to go back. You’re not being difficult. You’re being diligent. Persistence is part of self-advocacy, too.
What to Bring to Your Health Appointment and Why I Never Go Without These
These are a few tools and habits that help me stay organized and prepared. I don’t use them perfectly, but they’ve made a real difference, especially in moments that feel overwhelming.
For those of us who prefer pen and paper, this little health log book makes it easy to track symptoms, blood pressure, medications, or anything else you want to bring up at your next visit. It’s also a nice way to spot patterns you might otherwise overlook.
I’ve started keeping my visit summaries and lab results in a simple accordion file. It beats trying to scroll through old emails or search through the kitchen drawer when I need something. This one is slim enough to tuck away in a drawer but holds a lot.
I keep a few essentials with me for appointments, and this structured tote helps me stay organized without digging through my bag. It has enough room for my notebook, glasses, water, and whatever else I need for the day.
Why Advocating for Yourself at the Doctor’s Office Matters More Than Ever
Speaking up at the doctor’s office isn’t always easy, especially if you’ve been taught to be polite and not cause trouble. But quiet patients often leave with unanswered questions.
Advocating for yourself isn’t being pushy. It’s being clear about what you need. I haven’t always made myself popular with doctors, but that’s never been the goal. I’m there for answers and the best care possible.
If you found this helpful, you might also like this post: Items to Make At-Home Recovery from Surgery Easier. It’s full of practical tools that can make a big difference after surgery or during any kind of recovery.
Have you ever had to fight to be heard, either for yourself or someone you love?
What helped you speak up, and what do you wish you’d known sooner?
When I fell into a well of depression a few years ago, I listed out what a day was like internally versus what a good/normal day was like for me. I didn’t soften it at all. That helped.
Also, a description of progression of symptoms over time, succinctly, was worth a little thought before I had the doctors time.
And I totally agree that what you wear, how you prepare and good follow up questions really make the time worthwhile
That was smart of you! I’ve struggled with depression for many years and it’s awful. Just awful!
To everything you say here, I say Amen.
Thank You for all the excellent information you provided today! Some of this I do already,but you had a lot of helpful suggestions. I also liked items to have at home when recovering from surgery. 😊
I’m glad these were helpful.
This is such great information. You really do need an advocate especially if you are in the hospital. My brother in law used to say being in the hospital is like being in prison. You need someone working on the outside for you.
That’s a perfect analogy.
Excellent tips and ideas. Thanks Jennifer !
Do you use a concierge doctor? It’s pricey but I’ve been considering it because according to friends, concierge doctors spend much more time with their patients.
I do not. My son tried that service and was very unimpressed with the service.
Hi Leah-I have a concierge Dr-and it is worth the cost. It is a challenge finding a primary Dr in my area ( Orange County CA) and at 68 -my health and the struggles we can face finding health care are very important. I will continue this as long as we can afford it. It is sad that we even have to have this issue. I can text, e mail or call my Dr at anytime-and she replys ASAP. When I have an appt in her office-there are no other patients, and we have as much time as needed. I have medicare and Blue Cross PPO. Health Care-we should all have complete coverage. And as my lovely late Mother always said-you should always be dressed as you are going “out to lunch” A typical Pasadena lady.
Thanks for sharng Sandy
In addition to having my questions for doctors in my electronic notes file, I frequently print the list of notes so that I don’t have to dig for the file on my phone in the doctor’s office. I keep the sheet of paper with my queries in my purse and it is easy to access.
Great idea
I also keep a medical file in notes on my phone. In addition to having ongoing items of concern it has all medications and total brief history (the exhaustive one you get asked about at every new doctor or emergency room) so I’m not flustered trying to remember all those medical procedures and dates. It also has all vaccination dates. I keep my husband’s there too. Sometimes the tech recording all this thanks me and just records everything from my phone, particularly medications.
Very smart!
I do the same. Makes it so much easier.
I couldn’t agree more! I was diagnosed with Graves Disease December 2018 and wanted to explore holistic options before meds. Three endocrinologists told me that was not possible, however the third one I found was willing to work with me, as long as my labs showed continual improvement. I found a naturopath who put me on a tincture and other supplements and my lab work did indeed improve over the course of about 10 months. So much so that to this day I’ve never been on meds and I am in remission.
Who knows if I’d still have my thyroid if I’d not made the decision to do my own research and advocate for myself!
Thanks for taking about this important subject.
Thanks for sharing such a powerful, personal story Jenny. You’ve inspired me to continue my search for a naturapath myself.
Good Morning Jennifer, this is simply great information. I’m getting ready to go in for some nagging pain near my hip. So a big thank you for this.
Good luck!!
This conversation is so “spot on”, and I totally agree! At my last physical there were several small issues that I wanted to discuss, so I went prepared with a list. To their credit my doctor seemed impressed that I was organized, precise and on point with my concerns. As such, he took plenty of time with me, addressing each issue in depth; never condescending or dismissive. I know more time was taken than he had expected, but I made me feel noticed and I greatly appreciated it.
Jennifer – you make many good points in your article today. Being seen and being heard (at my age) is very important to me. Sometimes, I feel invisible. I agree with dressing for the appointment and presenting my best self is crucial – lets them know you care about yourself and how you are seen. Thank you for your message – very important, especially as we age. Sue
Wonderful points. Thank you for sharing these Jennifer. About 4to 5 years ago we visited an allergist for my son (late teens at the time) I told the specialist before they started the prick test that he needs to lie down as he’s petrified of needles and will fall over or faint. Did she listen, of course not, thought she knew better. She left the nurse to commence and sure enough after a few pricks my son faints, the nurse goes into a panic and the doctor rushes in, shaking my son trying to get him to come wake. His blood pressure dropped quite low and both in a panic. How I managed to stay calm I still don’t know. Finally wakes up and doctor acted as if none of it was her fault.
That is so infuriating! I’d never go back to that doctor.
WOW! Excellent information! I’ve just forwarded this to ALL my people – especially my 20 something daughters!! Great post, Jennifer – THANK YOU!!!
I’m glad you found it helpful!
This is an excellent and helpful post. Thank you.
Jennifer, wow! You hit home on this ! I’m going to print it for reference. Thank you for going into detail. I have felt dismissed by a few doctors throughout my life. Your actions and thoughts will help me as I continue to work through issues that come up with my health. Thank you for taking the time and care to write this. Have a lovely weekend! Kathy
Happy Friday Kathleen. I’m so glad this is helpful.
I don’t blame you for being an advocate for your own health. I used to have some good GPs, but they have retired. I am afraid I think the quality of most GPs (well, in Australia)these days is rubbish. A 15 minute slot, where they spend most of the time typing on their computer (or googling your symptoms?) and off you go. The majority work a couple of days a week, so the days of seeing a regular doctor are long gone. These days, if I have something I am worried about, I simply tell them I want a Specialist referral, or an MRI/Scan etc – in a polite way. They always oblige, because it’s ’no skin off their nose’ situation. Once I have the scan etc, I always get a copy of the report from the Radiologist, which is ready the next day. If you don’t advocate for yourself, no-one else will and good on you Jennifer for doing so.
Thank you for this post. I agree with all this, especially the suggested wording. Firm, persistent, but respectful. Enciviility and violence is rampant in healthcare.
I’d also point out that literature supports the care provided by advanced practice providers meets that of physicians.
This is an EXCELLENT article, and you should be commended for doing all the right things to keep YOURSELF as the one in charge of YOUR health. As the majority of America is aging, it’s important to find health practitioners who are skilled in the issues that can affect our “golden years”. Finding a good gerontologist is key. Thankfully, when we moved to Mount Dora, I found a “Well 65+ Clinic” and have been very satisfied with the care I’ve gotten there. I’m a retired Army nurse, and know the difference between perfunctory and focused care.
Thanks Laurie!
Excellent post, full of very helpful information. Thank you for the tips and product recommendations.
Thanks for the post. I agree. We have to speak up. I did that a few weeks ago, I saw my primary doctor after feeling I was not getting the help I needed and they recommended another specialist. The new doctor knew it was a second opinion, but listened, took XR, gave good info and support. I can’t change the diagnosis, but my understanding of how to live with it is okay.
Blessings always
I’m glad you got that second opinion. We deserve to be taken seriously.