Monday Musings- Visibilty
Happy Monday ladies. I have a funny story to tell. There’s no rhyme or reason for why I’m telling you this now, except I found this blog draft written out and had forgotten to publish it.
Invisibility
Picture this, a 65-year-old woman (me) walks into a restaurant to have dinner on a busy Friday night in a large metropolitan city. The only place to sit is at the bar. I sit down, slide a menu over and scan it. There’s a lot of activity behind the bar…two or three bartenders and several waitresses are hustling back and forth. I wait for five, maybe six minutes before anyone looks up and says hi, would you like dinner?
Dinner is delivered and I start eating. A young woman walks up and asks if it’s OK to take the seat next to me. I smile and nod. Before her butt has even touched the seat, a bartender greets her and asks what she’d like. Interesting…
I continue eating as my mind tries to make sense of what just happened. Perhaps she’s dating someone who works here. Maybe she works here. Or maybe she’s a regular. There must be a reason for her greeting vs mine. Or perhaps it’s simply because I’m a 65-year-old woman who has become invisible.
As I enjoy my meal, I try to digest what happened. I pay my bill and just before I go, I turn to her and use that old tired line, “do you come here often?”. She laughs and says “no, I’ve never been here before”. I relay to her what happened with me vs her. She begins to apologize profusely and I stop her mid-sentence. I tell her I’m not bothered and encourage her to enjoy and appreciate the attention she receives now because it won’t last a lifetime.
She looks me in the eye and admits she had such a bad day, she didn’t want to go out that night, then she thanks me for making her day.
This happened last year when I was dog-sitting in Vancouver. It didn’t upset me, so much as remind me that women our age do lose visibility. Has this happened to you?
Color
My interest in color continues and I am currently reading Color Therapy. A reader mentioned how certain colors make her feel so I hunted around and discovered this. It has very good reviews. Since I’m also in the market for wall color, I thought this would be a fun read, and it is.
Remember when I said I wouldn’t paint my nails periwinkle, I changed my mind. I was shocked at the number of blue and purple nail polish colors available. Where have I been? This is the Essie pret-a-surfer and I also ordered the You Do You which is closer to a true periwinkle blue.
Necklift
I went for a consultation several months ago…long before the invisibility experience above, and am considering having one. My mom had a complete facelift at 57 that I helped her through, so I saw the process up close. She looked amazing, felt more confident, and was thrilled.
I believe all women are entitled to age the way they choose. There’s no shame in improving our appearance. Anything we choose to do that empowers us and makes us feel more confident, is a personal decision. Botox and filler are commonplace and many women think nothing of it. Does that differ in intent from plastic surgery? Not in my book. It’s used to improve your appearance. The funny thing is, fillers frighten me…I know, crazy. Surgery does too, but strangely, not as much.
What are your thoughts? Please remember to be thoughtful of other women here, because many readers have had “work done” and this blog continues to be a safe and respectful place to discuss things.
Thanks for reading ladies and remember to wear what makes you feel confident.
I’m 62 years young and will be having my neck done and eyelids on May 19th. Fillers and botox are okay but there comes a point when you need to go another route if you’re so inclined. I do not like loosing my jaw line nor the sagging of my neck so I have no qualms about fixing it. The surgeon suggested doing the eyelids as well, so I will. I’m looking forward to it. Every woman should age as she chooses – if it is available to her.
Best of luck! If it helps a woman feel more confident, then she should do it!
I am your age and use a wheelchair. I expected to be invisible (the wheelchair) but have not felt that, although might at any time. There are stereotypes for wheelchair users that are mind-blowers. Maybe it depends on where you go. I frequent doctor offices, plus covid keeps us out of everywhere, and their staff is trained to deal with wheelchair users. In normal times and if I were in better health, I would expect to be invisible at this age.
Jennifer, I am 74 years old. At 71 I had a neck lift and lower face lift. I only wanted a neck lift but the surgeon told me he thought I would be disappointed if he didn’t include the lower face. I think he was right. I am very happy I decided to go ahead with it. At last what I saw in the mirror matched what I saw in my head and I felt my look matched my idea of myself. The recovery was more difficult and longer than I expected but it was worth it. I also had blepharoplasty when I was 36. My lids were very heavy. I am also very glad I did that. It was not a bad surgery or recovery and the results have lasted. The only thing I will say with both surgeries is there is a slight difference from side to side which I have learned to live with. So I would question the surgeon on how he will avoid making the sides of your face or eyes uneven. Or how he will insure that both sides are done exactly the same. I wish you the very best and hope you are able to proceed with confidence, finding the very best surgeon in your area.
Thank you so much for sharing your experience and advice, Pat. That had never occurred to me and I will ask him.
I too have notice my “invisibility cloak” too. As far as the surgery goes, I think what a woman does to herself to feel & look her best is her business. That may mean no assistance from a physician, or it may mean what you consider. Whatever the choice the woman makes it should be just that, her choice!
Interesting post. I understand the concept and have experienced feeling invisible but it doesn’t move my meter or bother me because if I choose not to be invisible, I simply speak up. I am 72 and while men turned their heads when I walked by at younger ages, and much less so now, I don’t care. Never have. When I am “invisible” at a restaurant or other venue I remember that often along with aging and wisdom and honing our personalities, we also have the money…there goes the tip!
I am considering have some plastic surgery; some or all of my face and neck. I might do it. I am also considering letting my hair be gray. I might do it. Often I feel like I am melting. But I am still working as much as I want, playing golf, going to the gym, traveling, and enjoying grandchildren….so…invisible…perhaps but just think what those around you are missing by not “seeing” you!
I love your comment, Jan. Thanks for sharing it.
Now my story about having a procedure done for medical reasons. I had to stay out of the sun for two weeks. When I returned to volunteer work at my child’s high school, the other mothers and some of the teachers were acting strangely, and looking for telltale signs of a facelift. (I knew what they were doing.) I got snark from one, who did the mean girl, faux-concerned voice and asked how I was doing, because she hadn’t seen me in a while. I said, “Fine.”
The outpatient procedure was Mohs surgery. The plastic surgeon who did it told me this work that brings him career satisfaction. Best day of my life, knowing I was cancer-free when I left the clinic. I didn’t want to share any of that with a mean girl.
You don’t have to explain anything, just like Mary Poppins.
You’re so lucky to have had a great surgeon. I’m glad they got it all and you are cancer-free. And yes, means girls just grown up to be mean women who I have zero patience or tolerance for.
There was a Grace and Frankie episode about invisibility. It is a real thing.
Wow! I so appreciate this forum to talk about such topics, and thank you so much Jennifer for your stories and honesty. I love your blog! I’ve just very recently started thinking about getting a brow lift but upon looking into what to expect in the healing process, I got scared. Enough to decide not to do it. I love the comment about Facercise and Face yoga. I’ll look into that instead. I’ve had a LOT of surgeries for endometriosis in my younger life and have a fear of surgeries now and don’t want to subject myself to more. I did get bunion surgery on one foot 5 years ago. It was a difficult healing process but my surgery & recovery was very successful. I was lucky to find the perfect doctor for the surgery. A word of advice for those considering it though, never get the bunion surgery where they “shave off” the bunion. That is the old antiquated method with questionable results/success. My doctor reconstructed the joint instead and put a temporary pin in it for 6 weeks to make sure it heeled straight. You can hardly see the scar now and the bunion has not come back. I’m hoping to do the other foot soon.
I am 74 years old. Since I had cystic acne as a teenager and into my 30s and 40s, I have had many treatments to my skin. At 60 I had a face lift. It has carried me through many years of more confidence. I now do minor dermatology applications such as redness lasers, eye high lightening, brow tattooing, facials etc. I don’t care to have another face lift, but the small changes really can make a difference in one’s self confidence.
Bravo for you, Julie!
Jennifer, I’ve become invisible as I’ve aged, too. It is amazing. I’m 66-ish and I’ve not “let myself go”, whatever the heck THAT means, but no one would mistake me for being an ingenue anymore. I look like what I am. A well-dressed older woman. It is very frustrating when I’m trying to get a front-line worker to wait on me. I’ve discovered a silver lining in becoming invisible, however, and that is I never have to deal with men trying to hit on me anymore. Honestly? It’s been so long I probably wouldn’t recognize a “hit” if it fell right on top of me. But, that’s another topic for another day. Most of the time I’m okay with being invisible, because attracting unwanted attention used to be a problem when I was younger.
Grear point. I don’t miss getting attention from men
No one has mentioned feeling invisible among couples in social settings. Older women, solo for whatever reason, seem last to be invited or even considered. We may be savvy entertainers, kind, nicely dressed, well traveled, empathetic, outgoing, and good conversationalists with anyone about anything…yet too often are invisible. We may initiate social interaction with the best intentions, but it’s not reciprocated.
Hi Jennifer, I’m a retired RN and the second I see blue nails I get a wee shock that says START CPR.
I’ll be very interested in the neck lift results. I hope you will share your experience. Don’t expect it to make you more visible to 20 something bartenders. Good luck.
LOL, I don’t expect or want it to make me more visible. Flying under the radar suits me just fine most of the time:)
Love your blue toes! Just so happens that’s the color I chose today. I also did a matte finish which I really like. Try it sometime.
I am going to try an acupuncture face lift. That’s not too invasive other than some tiny needles. My acupuncturist says she has gotten good results. I am 70 and would just like a little lift. I don’t want a face lift because I would like to look more natural and really wouldn’t want to spend that much, but I want to age in the best way possible.
I really enjoy your post each day!
I don’t trust fillers , but I would get Botox or surgery. All surgery has risks, and until I am at my best weight I won’t consider it. If I can lose excess weight then I might proceed.
When I was still coloring my hair people always told me how young I looked and I received more attention. I don’t really miss it, but it definitely happens.
I find I am ignored in stores quite often, but one time shopping I won’t forget. I was in an upscale swimwear shop. A woman older than I asked if I needed help and I answered that I was looking for a tankini. She said I should buy a swim dress, and that is all she would show me. I left after about 20 minutes of looking at tankinis as she continued to bring swim dresses to me. While I have lumps and bumps at 5’5″ and 150 lbs it was just so strange. Never been back to that store and have purchased many tankinis since then. 😀
I don’t get procedures done but colour hair, exercise, and try to wear clothes that don’t age myself.
If I was a blogger, I would get procedures done. It’s much more public than my life is.
That was a strange way for her to behave. Her preconceived prejudices cost her a sale. I’m glad you left
Jennifer, I have been reading your blog for several years and always enjoy and appreciate your practical and informative approach. I’ve learned so much from you. I had a neck lift in May at the age of 76 and I’m extremely happy with the results. I’m blessed with good health, and the way I look now is more in line with the way I feel. Since you’ve seen the process through similar surgery with your mom, you know the first couple of weeks are the worst. I never had any pain but there was discomfort for a few weeks. The worst was having to sleep on my back all the time, as I’m usually like a rotisserie turning all night long. No one but my husband and children know I had surgery because I didn’t want to be concerned with being judged for being too vain. When I started going out a bit after 2-3 weeks, two people asked me if I had something done. After that I never had any further comments. I believe I look more rested and happy, which is exactly the result I was hoping for. I highly recommend finding a reputable surgeon and following your instincts.
Thank you for sharing Dorothy. I am a rotisserie too so that will be a challenge.
I think you truly helped that gal at the bar feel great.
And maybe the way you were treated had nothing to do with age but her attitude that she needed some encouragement. You were a little angel who offered something good and definitely not invisible.
As far as plastic surgery, my best friend wants a face lift so badly, but for me I don’t want to go under the knife unless It is to save my life. I’m a big chicken.
I am also luck to be blessed with good genes and few wrinkles or I would buck up and look to improve.
Hello,Jennifer,
I am the same age as you are, all natural.As I was always told that I do not look my real age, I was confident in my fresh.. spirit,but recently things changed as I noticed people looking at me with condescendence.
Years ago a friend told me she was “invisible “ to men. I am processing things.
I vote for surgery rather than repeated needles, at least you fear once for the procedure, although I do not think I will do it because of my heart issues.
In a hopeful note, I will definitely try periwinkle, and I must confess I watched clothes more carefully after reading your article, I even noticed some nice pieces. As far as mani and pedi,I usually try all colours as they cheer me up!
Best wishes !
Mihaela
Thank you Mihaela
I had a neck lift at age 65 and I am thrilled with the results 5 years later. Actually no one really noticed except for a few responses such as you look great, or have you lost weight? I never denied it. Still I did it for me and am so enjoying the boost of confidence I have gained which has benefitted me. I wish I had done it sooner.
Thank you so much for sharing, Nancie.
While I don’t condone staff taking 5 minutes or more to acknowledge your presence, I look at the so-called “invisibility” issue a bit differently. Often, young women are subject to an uncomfortable level of attention simply based on their appearance. I kind of enjoy the more respectful attention that seems to come with age. It’s when respect is lacking at any age, which it might have been in your experience, that I’m offended.
On Thursday, I’m going for my 14th surgery, all for medical reasons, so I’ll pass on cosmetic surgery.
Best of luck with your surgery, Elaine. Sending prayers your way.
I appreciate this forum you have created for these sometimes hard conversations. I have decided this type of invisibility has given me the power to observe the world from a different place than my younger years when I felt the attention was often on me. I am embracing this “gift” of aging.
Several years ago I suffered from Thyroid Eye Disease which altered my appearance. I made the decision to have have eye surgery to correct the damage and did an eye lift as well. It was the best decision I have ever made and left me open future surgery. It is blessing to care for ourselves and feel confident in our own skin, whatever that means to you. Good luck with this decision, and much thanks for this community and blog!
Thank you for being here with us, Cindy.
Hmm, invisible. Yes, it has happened, and not when I thought it would. A few years ago, while dining with my husband, the waitress totally played up to him. My water glass went I filled, unless I asked, she asked him about his meal- never a question about mine, refilled his wine, etc., etc. etc. I let it continue, and at the end of the meal when she gave the check to my husband, I reached across the table and said, “ Thank you dear, I’m the one
picking up the tab, never take it for granted”. The look on her face! I’d pay double to see her reaction. Sometimes we need to speak up and teach a lesson.
Good for you, Donna!
I find being invisible an advantage most of the time. I prefer doing the observing rather than being observed. My ego was rewarded when I was young and pretty, but I find that beyond 70, I just don’t want to bother with other people and their opinions. In the bar situation, I would have spoken up–loudly, if necessary–before five minutes passed. When I don’t want to be invisible, I’m not.
My two sisters and I, all in our 60s, had met in Vancouver to enjoy a weekend together. After a busy City day, we went for dinner. The restaurant was just beginning to fill, leaving many 4-person tables with white tablecloths. We were seated in the worst spot in the restaurant, a huge (6 person?) booth immediately in front of the half-wall separating us from the busy kitchen. After sitting for several minutes with no wait staff attending us, I called one over and insisted we be moved to a more suitable table. After our wine and appetizers arrived, I looked over and saw that although there were still empty tables available, another trio of older women had been seated in the worst spot in the restaurant.
I was always going to have my neck done since it is droopy from two previous thyroid surgeries. However, now I’ve developed malor bags under my eyes that make me look tired. This time I may just go for it and have surgery. Thanks so much for bringing up this topic! Even though we may be older we don’t want to look bedraggled!
I agreed. Looking tired all the time isn’t what we want.
Jennifer, I agree that a confident mature woman should make her own decisions about her appearance. If cosmetic surgery helps you to reflect a truer version of yourself, then do it. My only piece of advice comes in question form. Are you doing it for you or for the opinion of others? If you feel confident in your decision, why ask what readers think?
Regarding “being invisible,” I suppose I should thank two dear friends for helping me ease into this space. I’ve always considered myself to be average looking. As it happens, I developed friendships with two spectacular looking women. They are just as beautiful on the inside, and surprisingly unaffected by their appearance. Seriously, we were out to dinner in LA once and a well known Hollywood heartthrob – a complete stranger- approached her and we later learned he bought our dinner! The other was frequently asked if she was a model. So, I got used to being the plain looking friend either ignored or chatted up in hopes of an introduction.
Decades later, I’m comfortable
not being the first one noticed because I never was. But I like myself, my appearance and my style – happy to know the only person to please is me.
I’m most certainly doing this for me, and me alone. The opinion of others doesn’t play a roll.
I asked readers what their thoughts are so we could discuss it.
If every single reader said no, don’t do it, I probably still would.
Your experience with invisibility definitely resonated with me. I had an experience (pre-Covid) where my sister and I met for lunch at a restaurant; I had made a reservation, and when we arrived the place was less than half full. The host led us to the very worst table in the restaurant, between the kitchen door and the server’s station where all the napkins, silverware and water jugs were kept. I politely asked for another table, and the host complied, after trying to tell us that all the other tables were also booked. The server addressed us both as “my dears” and kept repeating this until we politely asked him to stop. I don’t mind being addressed as “dear” or “honey” when I’m in the South, as I hear people saying this all the time to everyone, regardless of their age, but this is not the case in Northern California, where no stranger ever called me “dear” until I was in my 60s!
Oh Sweet Mercy…being addressed as “My Dear” or “Sweetheart” gets me so riled up, ESPECIALLY when it comes from a contractor who’s working for me! (I’m a civil engineer.) I usually reply “I’m not your wife, mother or girlfriend; please address me by my name.”
I say do what makes you happy. If it gives you higher self-esteem go for it!
We older folks have other problems too. Dental issues –arthritis and thinning hair to name a few. Staying healthy as much as possible is all we can do!
Some breast cancer patients like myself take hormone suppressors. Imagine having no estrogen in your system. Instant aging since our body needs it for just about everything.
Look your best and forget about ageism. Time stops for no one …even the young whipper-snappers will age one day.
Considering a jawline lift. No botox.
They’ll get where we are and wonder what happened
I realized one day that I was invisible when out with my daughter and all the men were looking at her and not me. I had my day in the sun and was happy it was her turn now.
I understand completely. I am 66 and, it would seem, completely invisible to everyone but my 28 year old son. Several years ago I began gaining 4 to 5 lbs per year. After reading numerous articles identifying how bad visceral fat was for your health, finding out that I had developed insulin resistance and just being unhappy with how my clothing fit (or didn’t fit!), I decided to make some changes in 2020. Over the span of 5 months I lost 34 lbs. by changing what I ate and primarily, when I ate it. The changes were not extreme & have been simple to maintain. I physically feel so much better and no longer have any signs of insulin resistance. I know the health improvements should be reward enough, but I would think that having lost 4 clothing sizes someone would notice something? With the exception of my son who said, “Those ribs are looking a little boney mom! No, really, you look great!”, no one, not my husband, my staff at work, none of my friends, uttered a word. I don’t think this was mean spirited, I just genuinely believe I am simply, completely invisible. And I don’t even know when I disappeared.
Wow Kate. That’s remarkable that no one noticed. Thank you sharing your story with us.
What a very interesting post!!
It’s great that we call all share our stories and support each other here in so many ways.
Thank you for your blog, Jennifer.
I love this community so much! You ladies are the best.
Being the invisible age has been very evident to me in the last 10 years!
I have talked about my feelings about this with a couple of student nurses I have mentored. It opened their eyes. I don’t think it’s really bed especially when we are aware. Thank goodness for our own support system & great female friends! Love your blog❤️
I had a necklift in May 2021 when I was 76 and am thrilled with the results. There was no pain but quite a bit of discomfort for a couple of weeks. You have to sleep on your back with your head elevated and that was a challenge for me since I’m like a rotisserie and turn all night. No one knew about the surgery other than my husband and two children because I didn’t want to be concerned about anyone judging me for being too vain. Only two people asked me if I had had something done, and that was after just 2-3 weeks. After a month I don’t think anyone noticed any changes; I just looked refreshed and less tired. Find a great surgeon and go for it!
Thank you Dorothy. I’m hoping for your results.
Yes I experience “age invisibility” often although it seems to be less now that I’m 70. This is why I enjoy your posts. Because feeing good and dressing well leads to confidence that counters invisibility. Regarding having work done – I’d do it if I could afford it. Ah well I guess it’s all about priorities but I’m looking forward to reading about your experiences with the neck lift.
I daydream about a neck lift and a eyelid fix. I wouldn’t tell anyone beforehand, probably not after either. Too many people have no hesitation to pronounce negative judgments. I would like to do this to spiff up my appearance. Ive taken good care of my skin , but gravity takes its toll.
I doubt any thing would provide a return to visibility — that ship sailed.
I have two very funny stories about age that I still laugh about.
We were out to dinner with two other couples. It was someone’s birthday so we decided to have dessert. After I ordered mine, I said I would have coffee, too. The young waiter replied I’d better not as it would keep me awake all night. I replied to the effect, “Young man, what is the matter with you telling me that?! While you are at it, make that an Irish coffee!” The other happened last Christmas. I was at a drug store buying gift cards to the tune of $100 each for our son and family. The cashier said, “Do you know who you are buying these for?” I looked at her oddly, and said of course, I did. She then replied “We like to make sure that our elderly aren’t being taken advantage of.” What could I say but good for you. Let me tell you, every time I buy a gift card now, I think of that. In all my life those two incidents are the only times I have felt called out for my age!
Fortunately, I have good genetics, no wrinkles or sags. I taught high school and community college until I retired at 65. Until Covid, I still taught 1-2 community college classes a year. Attitude, humor and fashion flair go a long way in how one is treated. That and as I age remind me of Jerry Garcia “Be Grateful.”
Those are funny, Kathy
I have had the same experience! Very frustrating – so much so that I get sarcastic. But what’s more frustrating is when my beautiful (34yo daughter-blonde-blue eyed-tall) joins me and we get served immediately! Mind you no difference between male or female servers.
I have noticed that being invisible is a great way to entertain myself with eavesdropping. If people are going to share so much in public, you bet I’ll make it work for me. Then I expand my new material into little stories for my husband’s amusement. He thinks it’s weird, but he sure likes the stories.
Having work done: I have had numerous surgeries on my face because of skin cancer. The worst one was the forehead flap skin graft to the tip of my nose. It was grotesque and painful, but worked nicely. At that time I decided to give my face a little treat after each of these calamities. I like laser treatments because they help with scarring and also with those pesky pre cancers.
I laughed at your experience. A couple of years ago, I was having lunch with a younger friend, she is beautiful. As we were walking into the restaurant a young man rushed to open the door for her, I was right behind, he stepped in front of me and let the door shut in my face. I could have gotten upset but kept my sense of humor. Like the young lady in your story, my friend apologized for it. I just laughed and told her pretty much the same thing you did. A sense of humor is more important as we age.
Excellent topic today. Back in 1997, at the age of fifty, I decided to have some “work” done. I had noticed that the skin under my jaw line had become heavy. I guess is the word. When I turned my head I would catch the skin on my jaw bone. So I went a plastic surgeon, and had some work done. What I should have done first is see a spinal doctor because as it turned out, the cartilage/vertebrae in my neck was slowly dissolving. But I didn’t. Just a precautionary concern if any of you are considering cosmetic surgery.
Anyway, as for the surgery, it went well. At the same time I also had an eye lift which I was very pleased with. So now, I am, or course showing my age and that doesn’t really concern me at my age now, as much as my overall health.
I do want to emphasize that when I had the “work” done,I did it for myself, not because of how other people saw me, or because of public opinion, just simply for myself. I think that is probably the most important consideration for anyone considering a little or a lot of adjustment, do it for yourself, for your self esteem, not because someone else says you should.
At this time in my life’s travel, the most important thing is to love yourself with all your faults.
I have had my teeth straightened, lens implants (now contact lens free!), breast reduction, botox, eyebrow microblading. Each time I asked my sister’s opinion, she tells me “that’s not necessary”. Well, it is to me! I exercise, stay positive, work part time, a wife of 38 years, stepmom, grandmom, and a caregiver for my elderly father. If I feel overlooked, I speak up. Loudly! We are wise, experienced and have a LOT to offer this world we live in. ❤️❤️
Bravo, Lisa. It’s not easy to caretake an older parent. We do have tons to offer!!
Regarding invisibility, I think what is often ignored is the age of the other person. If the bartender had been 65 (was he?) I doubt you would have been invisible as a customer, although there is always the factor of male attraction to the nubile young. People naturally pay more attention to those in their own generation; as we get older, the pool of people who are younger than we are keeps growing and they are focusing on each other. And to be honest, the only reason I want their attention is so they can serve me, so I have no trouble commanding it where it is not offered. On polish, no periwinkle for me as it makes my warm/neutral skin look dead. I’ll admire it on you though. And as for plastic surgery, I’m saving up for a neck lift myself and looking forward to it.
I think your point is excellent about the age of the bartenders. They were all young enough to be my son.
Two “invisible” incidents come immediately to mind. One, I was a “member” of a winery in the rural area of your and my area. We went in and were completely ignored, not even a “Hi, I will be right with you.” After this happening twice, I cancelled our membership. The other was a coffee shop in Maui while on vacation. My order was placed, but I waited and waited. After this happening twice, I went elsewhere where I was greeted warmly. So I give people the benefit of the doubt, but when it is common to ignore people over 60, my money goes away.
We do need to speak loudly with our money when we can!
The invisibility that ladies experience with age in our youth obsessed culture is commonplace for Black ladies regardless of age. From my 20s and into my 70s it has been the steady state. It is worse or better depending on where in the USA one finds oneself. Well dressed with money to buy, sales clerks may not greet let alone assist. One sees those of another hue arrive to receive excellent customer service. Attempts to stop a taxi too often result in repeated attempts as taxi after taxi pass and halt in front of our white sisters and brothers. In frustration I have had to forgo local business concerns and order on line to obtain the very same item it was impossible to purchase locally. I’ve a leather Chesterfield sofa that after visiting a local store several times never resulted in customer service. I had to buy it on line, one of many other high end purchases that ended the same way. There are so many same experiences. Because of my skin some make negative assumptions or, for whatever reason, look past me. While traveling in Europe, other parts of North America and Asia, I have never been invisible.
Thank you for bringing this up Peggy! Racism can be so subtle that people aren’t aware of how they’re behaving. We really are so much less cosmopolitan. I’m so sorry you’ve had to struggle with this. It’s just wrong!
I am 58, and my hair has been white for a few years now. I definitely feel more invisible, and I get more ‘maam’ – but there are also advantages to being more invisible, and to being offered help more often. I don’t love myself in photos, but on a day to day basis I don’t spend a lot of time thinking about how I look. I think people should do whatever makes them feel good, and for me, I think I have a lot more I can do naturally to be healthier (sleep, exercise, eating habits, stress reduction) and look better (color use, haircuts) before I head to unnatural. I had to have surgery last year, and I was so scared about it I don’t foresee doing any surgery voluntarily. But if someone wants to – no shame. Love your blue nails.
Sorry to hear about the invisible story. Maybe the lady next to you looked impatient, needy, and the waiter felt he needed to help her.
I am 72, workout, color my hair, dress in style and feel fortunate to be moving , traveling. Several people I know that are 60 and up have health issues or have passed that I know.
The circle of friends I am around probably won’t have work done, so it is nice not to have the pressure. We are a relaxed group of women as far as concerned about our looks.
I am probably the one most bothered by looking older. So far I just have the frown lines between the eyebrows. I have inherited my mom and dad’s youthful appearance. So far I have bangs that cover the frown lines. I don’t think I will do surgery for aging. I had rotator cuff surgery years ago and foot surgery on bunion and torn ligament in second toe. I will tell you both were long recoveries and very painful.
Best to you on what you decide to do. True beauty is from within, and you seem to have that Jennifer.
Thank you, Donna. My bunion surgery was one of the most excruciating experiences I have been through.
I have my grandmother’s “gobble gobble” as I called it when I was a kid. I swore to myself I’d never look like that. But here I am, 68 years old with that same neck. I would love to have a neck lift and may look into it soon. For now, I do enjoy wearing masks because they hide it a little!
Unfortunately, yes, the invisibility “thing” has happened to me too many times. It’s not fun. I had been going into a popular big box beauty store for a while; maybe 5 times before anyone ever asked if they could help me. I witnessed all the young girls being greeted as they walked in the door. Finally on my 6th time, a male clerk asked if he could help me! I told him of my experience and that he was the first to ask. No comment from him about that. The funny thing is, he was around my age! Oh well.
As far as the nail polish, I love blues, teals and periwinkle for nails. Your color is gorgeous!
Getting “work” done is not for me; botox, surgery, nothing, but I did buy a NuFace Microcurrent skincare device. We’ll see how that works.
Jennifer, thank you for talking about this. I haven’t experienced it yet, but I wonder if it would happen if I wasn’t with my husband. Sometimes a couple gets quicker attention than a single older person.
It also reminded me of a mystery I read a few years ago – “Invisible” by Lorena McCourtney. The main character, Ivy Malone, is an older woman who realizes it easy to become an amateur detective because she is “invisible” to so many people – they don’t notice her looking around, or listening in on conversations.
Yes, I have been invisible many times but now I am not so bothered as there are times when I really don’t want to make an impression on strangers surrounding me. If I need attention faster than the ones surrounding me want to give it, I start speaking up and requesting service.
The tips I give reflect the service I got.
As for cosmetic surgery, it’s an individual decision. If the man or woman would feel better having something done, then more power to them!
I love blue or purple toenail color! This one is perfect.
I’m 72 YO. Is it weird that I would rather be ignored, especially while browsing in a store? I have felt differently when waiting for service though, but I have to applaud you for your kindness to that young woman. My most recent episode of being ignored made me laugh. Husband and I were at a Home Depot looking for garage door lubricant to stop a squeak and I asked a man working in the department where we could find it. He took us to the right shelf and proceeded to tell my HUSBAND how to use it! Hello! I’m the one who asked you for it. We had a good laugh about that.
Also, I wish I had the courage for a neck lift! I say, go for it!
One experience that I’ve had with ageism is at the doctor’s office. Has anyone else had this? You turn 65 and all of a sudden you are on Medicare and the office staff start treating you like the village idiot — for example, offfering to send a home health aid to help with meds. My husband’s doctor completely ignores the whole Medicare. My husband pointed out that everyone is different and that some people need help at 65, but I think the staff should pay attention to each patient rather than make blanket assumptions. To be fair, the doctor, herself, doesn’t do this.
I just reached 82, and just finished a wonderful concert week with the Grand Rapids Symphony Chorus–also still sell a little real estate. I had the eyelid lift because there was interference with my sight. I happen to produce prodigious scar tissue, as did one of my sons after back surgery. My friend’s eyelids are much smoother after her surgery. So I would opt out of any further facial cutting. But if others consider the procedures worth the discomfort and don’t take it to the state of the Joan Rivers face, more power to them.
There are occasional advantages to age. The young female officer who stopped me for speeding (not extreme) just gave me a warning. I’m sure I reminded her of her grandmother. The voice projection and slightly theatrical posture that I have from extensive singing and real estate, prevent some of the invisibility, but I’m not sure it would in a bar. That’s just the younger set’s domain.
Thought provoking! As evidenced by all the comments I’m reading, and it’s only 9:40am CST! Jennifer, you do whatever you decide to do. I’ll enjoy your journey, no matter which way you go. And to all the women responding in the comments, thank you too! We all have so much to share. The sense of community that you bring to your blog is like a little blessing each day. Thank you.
I feel so blessed to have the audience I do. We are a community and I am so proud to be part of it.
I too have concerns about my neck. It does age me! Can you suggest any products to tighten the neck?
Sunscreen and moisturizer along with good posture is all I can suggest and do go a long way.
I had a necklift at 60 and love the results. I had never had surgery before and the first week of recovery was hard but things quickly improved. I was back at work at 7-10 days and attending meetings at two weeks. Now the only side effect is some tightness in my neck. You saw your mother’s recovery with a bigger procedure so you know the process. I have not used Botox, fillers, peels, etc. (just prescription retinol) so can’t compare those, but I knew years ago that I might have a necklift. So glad I did it.
I have had a neck lift in my thoughts for many years. I hope my result is a good as yours.
Such a thought provoking post! I have had the experience of being ignored in a restaurant, but without the juxtaposition of a younger customer being acknowledged immediately, I just chalked it up to poor service or a slammed waitstaff. I hadn’t considered the ageism angle until now. I am a retired physician, but throughout my career I have dealt with people in all stages of age and disability. I don’t think it is just salespeople that ignore the disabled. I think many people avoid interacting with the disabled because they are afraid of the medical gadgetry and/or saying the wrong thing. They may also perceive it as rude to acknowledge the disability or the presence of medical equipment such as oxygen, a wheelchair, etc., but in actual fact, these devices (like phones) are an everyday part of the affected person’s life, and there is no shame or rudeness in acknowledging that. I have learned that it is best to treat every person as you normally would, and if there is a need to address the presence of a medical device (where to put the wheelchair in the dressing room, how to manage the oxygen tank at the table), just address it head on. Simply ask “Do you need any help with that? What would you like me to do?” I guarantee most folks dealing with a disability have been in a similar situation before, and have it all figured out. As for plastic surgery, botox, fillers, etc. I think each woman should do what they are comfortable doing to feel their confident best. I probably have a skewed view, because I was more likely to hear about the adverse events surrounding these procedures, which gives me pause. I also cleave pretty closely to the principle “do no harm” in both medicine and life. For me personally, I have decided to embrace the French woman aesthetic that it is our imperfections that make us beautiful and unique. I am sticking to non-invasive, reversible measures for now. I went completely grey in my 30s, and still color my hair. I have been blessed with mostly smooth skin (my mother is 83, and has barely a wrinkle–I hope I inherited her genes!) and while I clearly show signs of aging, I have decided I don’t need to obsess over my “marionette lines”, thinning lips and crepey neck because the overall package is still pretty good. It was kind of you to compliment your seat mate and remind her of how attractive she is. I regret all the time I wasted lamenting my minor imperfections when I was young, instead of enjoying the glow of youth while I had it. Youth is certainly wasted on the young! Love your blog, Jennifer, and I hope all goes well with your procedure.
Thanks for your thoughtful explanation for lay people interacting with people who have a disability, Kami. I’m a child and adolescent psychiatrist so I have always felt comfortable acknowledging the families of children with Down’s syndrome, cerebral palsy, or other difficulties. I’ve now had my own experience of being the patient in ICU, the ward and in rehab and the person with the disability. I’ m still the woman who loves colour and I’ve rediscovered my love of clothes.
I’ve sought out blogs like this for tips to update my wardrobe and reflect on how I plan to live my life now that I’m not working full time. Workaholic no more!
That’s very wise advice. I would not know how to offer to help, but now I do. Thanks Kami
This idea of older-woman invisibility is fascinating. I am still waiting for the retail world to wake up and realize that older women are the ones with the disposable income?
I am also waiting for the novel or movie plot in which the older woman gets away with committing some kind of crime due to her invisibility. I must confess I have toyed with the idea of committing some kind of juvenile delinquency just for the fun of it. After all, who would suspect a nice, well-mannered lady in her late fifties? *evil laughter*
At 71 I really get the invisibility factor. I was worried about that after cancer and I let my hair stay natural. The struggle is real! I would love to have every surgery available for my face but because I’ve had a heart attack unfortunately no doctor would touch me. But I think if you can and you want to you should go for it!
do the facelife. go to a top doc. it’s expensive but totally worth it.
I had fillers done last summer when I turned 60. It cost about $3K, I almost fainted with all the needles, it hurt, and it was weird to see and feel the lumps on my face for a day or two before they faded in (one of those things that I noticed but not even my husband did 😉). But it was 100% worth it and I’ll do it again in a year or two.
I’m so glad you found something that really makes you feel fabulous!
This was a wonderful post. I’ll be 75 in August. I tell my grandchildren to do what you love
I am enjoying your blog. Just curious about the neck lift consultation. Did the surgeon recommend a lower face lift as well as the neck lift? I also went for a consult about a neck lift. The surgeon said that the lower face should be done as well. If you only do the neck aging in lower face area would be more noticeable and result would probably not be what I was looking for.
My Dr told me the same thing. I’m undecided, I just want to tighten my neck but I don’t want to make other parts look worse by comparison.
Years ago had a Blepharoplasty (due heavy eyelids) as recommended by my eye specialist but since a coward when it comes to surgery do not plan to have any other cosmetic work and will opt to celebrate any wrinkles as ‘ character lines ‘ … ☺. As to botox/filler injections forget that as well, being allergy sensitive to even prescribed medications so wouldn’t even risk it. (I’m now 75.) That said; agree ‘there is no shame in improving our appearance’, so go for it Jennifer as you are only around once so do what pleases ‘you’.
-Brenda-
I haven’t felt invisible yet but I’m only 58. I’m getting my eyelids and boobs lifted on Feb 1 and can’t wait. My neck does bother me though.
Best of luck with your surgery, Robin!
I absolutely agree that we become invisible as we age. I’ve also noticed different treatment when I run errands with make up versus without which happened even when I was younger.
As a 73 year old woman, I can honestly say that age has brought me more confidence, strength, wisdom, grace and kindness than my youth, and I wholeheartedly agree with Jennifer’s words, “All women are entitled to age the way they choose”.
I also find inspiration in the words of the late Audrey Hepburn:
“For attractive lips, speak words of kindness.
For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people.
For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry.
For beautiful hair, let a child run his/her fingers through it once a day.
For poise, walk with the knowledge that you never walk alone.
People, even more than things need to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed; never throw out anyone.
Remember, if you ever need a hand, you will find one at the end of each of your arms.
As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands, one for helping yourself, and the other for helping others”.
That’s beautiful. Thank you for sharing.
Invisibility – something we never expected to experience in life but yet we do. Culture and society are centered around youthfulness (thank you Madison Avenue and Hollywood). Sometimes it makes me feel bad and other times, not at all. It all has to do with how you feel that day. It’s such a shame that strangers can make us feel that way – we should all try to bring a smile to others’ faces.
As for having “work done,” if it would make you feel better, go for it! I had breast augmentation done in 2008 and have been very happy with the results (it balanced my larger hips and gave me curves I hadn’t had; I was 57). Thinking about the eye lid lift as my right eye lid droops badly but the left is okay. And, as one of the women mentioned, Botox is definitely a remedy for incontinence. I have decided that is the road I will take to deal with my “issue.”
Thank you, Jennifer, and all the lovely ladies who reply. We lift each other up and keep each other going.
I had no idea that Botox would help with incontinence! What a wonderful treatment!
Joan Rivers would say “It’s better to get out of an old car with a new face then a new car with an old face.” Makes sense to me!
Joan was hilarious
I don’t feel I’m treated any differently but I’m from the South so most men even the younger ones, show respect to women at any age here. It is something I notice if I leave the South though. Being called “ma’am” here not so much fun.🙂. I love pinks, blues, greens but just don’t paint my nails now. Keep them short too because I’m gnot happy with my older hands but at least they work. Great post.
Good morning Jennifer,
Responding to your discussion regarding improving our appearance. I receive Botox injections every 3 months for my migraines (which helps greatly). I don’t know why anyone would want to subject themselves to the pain for “beauty”!
I am 69 and happy with my life – but aware everyone has different needs and wants.
Jennifer,
I encourage you to embrace whatever makes you the best you can be! Aging……it sneaks up on you and you find yourself in your sixties! As a medical professional it is imperative to seek out only board certified plastic surgeons. They must pass rigorous exams in order to be certified and they are required to retake the exams at recurring intervals.
I have had my eyes done and I get botox to the administrative lines and crows feet. Like you, I am not a fan of the filler look. Recovery was painless and quick. You are in good health, I am confident you will be asking yourself “Why didn’t I do this sooner?”
Thank you, Cindy
I found I was starting to become invisible when I was 50. I am now 69 and my husband is 74 yes we are old but I don’t think we look too wrinkled. Never had any procedures only Caci facials. Of course we look older than when we met in our 40s but we will continue to age as long as possible together. I think if you want work done that is the right decision for you if it makes you happier. Good luck!
I actually love finally being invisible because it is freedom to do what I want and not be bothered by any one. I had my turn to be young and it was great. Now I am enjoying my turn to be invisible 😊
That’s a great attitude!
Absolutely! this had happened to me several times at the Nordstrom cosmetics counter. The sales clerks kept walking past me, not even acknowledging me, as the busily applied makeup to teenagers. An older shoe salesman noticed me and apologized for them. I sent an email to the store manager and reminded her ladies of a certain age have money to spend and should not be ignored.
I’ve made phone calls to store managers reminding them of just the same!
If cosmetic procedures make a women in her 60s/70s feel better about herself she should go for it. However, seriously doubt if that will make any difference in how she is treated by employees of shops and bars who are in their 20s or actually just about anyone else.
Appreciate the warning comments about eyelift surgery because that is something I thought might improve my vision. Will let that idea go for now.
I totally agree, it won’t change a woman’s visibility.
Dear Jennifer, I love the complete honesty, humor, and helpfulness of your blog from skin care to outer wear! Thank you!
I’m 82, feel 72 and try to live and look my best life. You inspire me – blue toenails may be a stretch; but who knows – I head out for an exercise session with a trainer, and tomorrow golf at my club. I have some ideas for starting a “shawl” ministry for women who have suffered a loss.
Blessed 2022 to you and your readers!
Thank you for being here, Diane!
I say “yes!” to your neck lift!
This was a great thought provoking post. And yes I have experienced the exact same thing. It was sort of a shock when it happened the first time. Now I just go with the flow. The invisibility shield can be our secret power. haha
I do get botox. I have also have had a neck lift and my eyes done. I did it all for me. I let my hair go gray and I love it. So whether it’s painting our nails blue or getting a neck lift, I’m all for whatever makes you happy!
This is a fun topic. At age 70, I have what I call, become wallpaper in some situations. Now when I go into stores, I search for the oldest clerk I can find. I often even ask a younger employee if there is someone working there today that is closer to my age. I tell them that I so appreciate stores that continue to employ older workers as they can be so helpful to me. It works. I find that those older employees also feel ignored and overlooked. When I search them out and tell them how happy I am to have their help and advice, they smile and thank me. It is a win-win every time. Thanks for bringing this up.
I love that you do this, Dee. I’m going to copy you!
What a great idea and welcome reminder
I’ve heard many variations on that story and have experienced it myself…it’s true, I’m afraid. In our society, women are valued primarily for their appearance and their youth, rather than their wisdom, experience, or wit. it can be painful and it’s a real loss to society, as well. I think it is one reason we older women value our female contemporaries so much. We can see and appreciate each other’s great value. As for color, about 15 years ago, when I was just turning 50, I began craving color. I ended up turning to quilting, where I began to experiment with the colors I was drawn to. For me, those are often bold, warm colors. Not only does it help satisfy my color craving, it made me much more comfortable dumping the black uniform and incorporating color into my wardrobe. The amount of black dwindles each year and now I only have a couple of really comfortable black joggers that I wear on a regular basis. My neutrals are now navy, khaki and brown.
That’s a wonderful story! I love your color journey 🙂
I have done Botox and the needles are so small you barely feel it. I love the outcome! I am more scared of surgery so interested what others say. 😄
I’m having a face and neck lift on Friday. It’s not a decision I’ve come to lightly because it is an elective surgery and not without risk. However, at 71, I feel it’s now or never. I’ve always taken good care of my skin so it’s a good canvas. I’ve done my homework and have chosen a great surgeon. I will still be “invisible” when healed but feel it will be a shot of joy after these bleak two years of little to look forward to, plus a reaffirmation of my health and fitness goals.
Good for you, Susan! You hit the nail on the head. I will still be invisible, and I know it. That’s not why I’m considering it. Best of luck!!
Someone referred to Facersize. I saw an infomercial on it 22 years ago and do daily facial exercises (not all suggested), that takes about 2 minutes. They help keep jawline, neck and cheekbones defined. I’ll keep doing them.
I’ve experienced waiting in line and having someone step ahead of me like I wasn’t there. I hold my ground though !
Thanks for the post and all the comments.
I hold me ground too! Thanks for sharing, Marie
Oh my, just reading the previous comments makes me realize that we are an army of women all treading forward through a new, foggy life journey. I have caught that glimpse in a mirror or a random photo that made me pause and question when did all this happen? How can I be in a 75 year old body but still have the thoughts and dreams of a 29 year old? I too, don’t want to be invisible but I also don’t want to be totally consumed with the topic either. It’s a delicate balance. Several times (maybe many times), I’ve been greeted with a “hello dear” or “thank you dear” . Am I now everyone’s grandma?
Love your topic this morning! Do what makes you feel confident Jennifer! We’re all on this same journey, just some of us are a bit further down the trail.
Being called “dear” grates on me like nails on a chalkboard! It makes me crazy. If my grandson grows up to call me dear, it will still make me crazy! It just sounds condescending, not to mention overly familiar. Have a great day, Jan
I once had a stuck in neutral career, had my eyes and a necklift done at 50.
My career suddenly started to get better, retired at 69 with six figure income and am very comforable.
Go figure!
That’s fascinating, Ann. Ageism is horrible in the workplace. Thanks for sharing.
Yes, I, too am an invisible woman, especially since I have let my hair go gray. I will be 68 in April and my invisibility began in my mid 60’s. I notice it more when I am shopping in stores geared to a younger demographic, such as Loft.
I had a face and eye lift when I was 60 and I loved it. Unfortunately, they don’t last forever and I always thought I would do a refresher when I turned 70, but I probably won’t. I’m tired of trying to look younger and am trying to accept my appearance as it is. You have my support in whatever you decide…good luck!
Yes! Where we are does seem to impact how invisible we are! Thanks for sharing Betsy Jo.
Ah, good for you on the neck lift; I am planning one (plus mid facelift) this year, too! Why not do it if it will make you feel better? So many good docs out there. Good luck!
There are many good doctors. Thanks for sharing and best of luck with your surgery! I knew I was not alone.
Thought-provoking post. I’m 66 and haven’t noticed the invisibility factor but maybe it is because I’ve just written it off to retail service generally declining. When I do run across particularly good service, I always compliment people and/or write a positive review.
I’ve had Botox and filler over the years and was happy with the results. Unfortunately, I discovered that, as reported by the American Society of Dermatological Surgery and others- see links below, one of the side effects of the Covid vaccine (2 does and booster) that you don’t hear much about is that the heightened immune response can result in the filler being attacked and dissolved. I wound up with hard lumps where I had had filler. They resolved over the last few months but all the filler seems to have disappeared and I look a lot older all of a sudden!
I’m considering a face lift to get rid of my jowls but I’m hesitant about the surgery. I’ll be interested to hear what you decide.
Fillers are so commonplace, I’m not sure why I hesitate but now there seems to be a sound medical reason since I’ve had all 3 COVID vaccines. Thanks Sandy
I love blue but have thought blue nail polish wasn’t for me when my sister asked me if I had injured my blue-painted toe as it looked like it was a black-and-blue injury to her.
My mother took a book out of our public library that had color wheels in it and never returned it. It was her constant companion for the rest of her life as she decorated various areas. I wonder what book that was.
Funny you should mention that about the toes;)
I can add to your “invisible” story. I too have been overlooked at my ripe age of 73. But about 15 years ago, I broke my ankle. I had to use crutches for weeks! My husband took pity on me and rented me a wheelchair so I could go to the local mall and shop. Being in a wheelchair is becoming invisible to the nth degree!!! People would not look me in the eye, and sometimes ran into my chair! just a little story……..
That’s awful!! I hadn’t thought of it until now. I will be more intentional about noticing people with handicaps. Thank you for mentioning it, Linda.
There is a very funny and on the mark episode of “Grace and Frankie” that deals with this. Unable to get the clerk to pay attention to the older women instead of the pretty young blonde, they just walk out with their intended purchase. I have had this experience in a Sephora and walked out (but not with a product!)
I’ve left a store many times for the sane reason but usually ‘heavily place’ the item on the counter and say why I’m leaving 🙂
Such a juicy topic! At almost 70 I have never felt unnoticed, especially by those who matter to me. I think we all unconsciously scan the landscape for those like us. So as we grey haired folks grow in number, we will still have impact. I do take notice when someone commands respect by making eye contact, smiling, being polite, being well groomed, making a friendly comment.
How we see ourselves is different than how others see us. I can’t imagine anyone getting past your beautiful eyes, your coloring, your megawatt smile to even think about your neck. Your sophistication and intelligence are expressed in your way of speaking and dressing. Learning to express one’s worth externally is a skill that requires conscious effort. I might have to live longer to master it!
Excellent post.
Your invisibility experience reminds me of the episode of ‘6 Feet Under’ when Ruth (Frances Conroy)feels invisible and her friend, Bettina (Kathy Bates) takes her shoplifting. Upon initial viewing many years ago the storyline provided food for thought. Now that I’m 68, it really resonates.
I haven’t seen that movie. It sounds hilarious!
I had a neck lift some years ago. I was so uncomfortable with the “turkey wattle” and felt it really aged me. I was thrilled with the results. I chose not to tell many people beforehand. Afterwards, when I did share what I had done, I got mostly negative responses. People couldn’t understand why I would have surgery that was not necessary. The lesson? Don’t share information when it serves no purpose other than to make you feel bad. Good luck×
I’m sorry people reacted that way, Meg. I simply don’t understand why people act that way. I’m sorry you had to deal with that and thanks for sharing. I feel the need to be transparent here and hope it can help others.
Your right not to tell ! Your your life ! Who cares but if a friend they should cheer your on !
I felt pretty invisible until I was about 50. Except for unwanted catcalls on the street. I’m a 5’6” brunette and reasonable attractive. I’be always been the girl next door. Few people notice me. I’m 60 now and more visible and thank God I finally aged out of catcalls.
My new visibility comes from my general demeanor and how I make eye contact. I did some public speaking and some things about me changed. I have much more confidence and it shows. The wallflower is gone, unless I want it.
There are ways to attract positive attention. The first cheap trick is one bright accessory. I have a red silk scarf. I’ve compared entering a room with and without it. What a simple trick! Who knew?! Iris Apfel, I’m sure.
There will always be a jerk of a bartender who really just wants to get lucky. That’s hormones. I would not take that one personally.
As you tell us, do the things that give you confidence.
I’m 56 and had a facelift 10 weeks,ago. People are nicer to me a more complimentary.
I am shocked by the difference I see. My Dr. did a great job especially neck and lines around sides of my mouth. I went to dinner w friends on 14th day recovery. It was worth cost and recovery for results.
Thanks so much for sharing with us, Starla!!
I would have had a facelift, especially the neck! But I have frequent obstructions that cause hospitalizations occasionally. These days in the hospital made me realize I want nothing done that causes pain or discomfort. I, at 79, am now too old, I wish I had done it at 57.
Thank you for this! Yes, I’ve had similar experiences to yours. Just keep your head held high.
Hi Jennifer, I am in 81, youthful and active. I have had my face done about 10 years ago and so glad I did. Periodically , I have had fillers including my hands because the skin is paper thin.
I was planning on having a mini lift and face peel this month, but because Covid is averaging close to 43k in Los Angeles I am putting it off. I have had my eyebrows tatooed for years. I also use a prescription from my dermatologist for lash growing.
I also had another procedure done that has changed my life: for year my sleep has been interrupted because of too many potty runs. I complained to my urologist about it. There’s a procedure for this and it’s Botox. About 10 shots are inserted into the urethra. Yes, is uncomfortable even with being numbed.. it’s been a positive life—changing experience —no more panty liners, no getting up at night and I don’t have to stop drinking at 5pm. The one draw back is it has to be done every six months, I hope this information is helpful to those who suffer through the night.
Botox for the bladder – yes! I started about 3 years ago, and it changed my life. I had to wear a pad all the time for leaks, and I really didn’t want to go anywhere. I had the procedure in the office (very, very painful!) for 4 treatments. I moved and had to find a new doctor. She gave me the option to have it done in the hospital, under general anesthesia. I was very nervous, but so much better. I had to wait 9 months in between the last two times because of moving and a new doctor. I did fine. She has retired (boohoo!), but she has a replacement. We will talk about when to do it, but I may see how 8 months is.
It has been life-changing for me. I don’t have to wear a pad (and change it several times a day), I can go out and not worry, and I can finally start drinking water throughout the day (I barely drank anything before, and I know I must have been dehydrated all the time.) And yes, it has helped with my sleep as I don’t get up 3-4 times a night.
It is time that women started talking about this to help each other.
That’s so wonderful to get help!! Thank you for sharing, this will help many readers.
Thank you for sharing that valuable information with us, Roseanna! I had no idea they were using Botox for that. How amazing and a blessing that it helps. My girlfriend had the sling surgery and her problem reoccured a few years later anyway.
Why, oh why, aren’t women talking about this more! I can easily see how life changing the botox injections could be. Thank you for sharing this. I can’t wait to tell others I know who get up repeatedly during the night.
Sorry to hear of your experience at the restaurant. It is so very frustrating to be ignored. Just taking a moment to say hello and I will be with you shortly is all that is needed to be at the very least, polite. I have been totally ignored in some stores and even when it was not busy, they were talking among themselves, so after a frustrating silence, I left and on the way out said thanks for all your help and have a good day. Nothing. And yet, there are a few stores that I frequent in our little town where I am greeted as soon as I walk in the door, even if it is just a quick ‘hi’ if they are busy, then come to speak to me later. It doesn’t take much to ensure loyalty. Your toes look so cute, glad you took the leap. I have a mid tone blue with a slight shimmer on my nails as I write this, and have been changing colours at least once a week lately. Of course I have over 70 bottles so no shortage of colours to choose from.
As for the skin issue, I have my upper eyelids resting on my lashes, and am too afraid of surgery in that area to do it just yet. I have had questionable results from necessary surgeries so am a bit wary of much more cutting. However, if you feel comfortable doing this, go for it, you will feel better after.
I enjoy your monday musings, almost like a chat with a friend. Take care.
Good post! I’m repainting my toenails a fun color today! At 61 I am experiencing the same feelings of surprise sometimes when I see myself in pictures. But I’d rather pamper myself with thoughtful self care than go for surgery, fillers, Botox, hair coloring. There is a lot to keep up with there. I retired last year though, and think that helps. Most of my girlfriends have stopped coloring their hair, so my mirror looks like me a lot of the time. It is harder in the workplace!
Invisible? I’m 56 years old. I survived a severe bout of Covid pneumonia and fought my way back to health. I have residual lung impairments and now I am dependent on supplemental oxygen. I have worked hard at rehab to regain my muscle strength and I go out on occasion to have my haircut or to have my nails done – when we are not in an active wave. I love to dress up and wear my make up and walk tall. Of course I’m masked (N95), vaccinated and observe all protocols. My carer carries my oxygen canister. People avert their eyes and go silent when I walk past. My daughter says she hasn’t seen anybody else like me out and about. Are we meant to stay home and spare people the discomfort of seeing the differently abled? I don’t think so. Let’s all walk tall irrespective of age and abilities and greet the world with a smile and live the life we have.
That periwinkle nail colour is gorgeous. I’m going to pick it up.
Thank you for writing about invisibility. I’m 64 and have had similar experiences. Once upon a time, being noticed was not an issue. Wish I’d appreciated it more at the time LOL!
I wish I had too!
Lesley, I’m so sorry this is happening to you. I love your attitude of greet the world with a smile. Hopefully soon, people will be able to see your smile maskless. Take care.
Thank you Terry. I’m a mental
Health care professional working with youth so I get to do Teleconsults (unmasked) with young people. I just work twice a week now.
The children have long term difficulties and have known me for most of their lives. They are less concerned by the nasal cannulae and more by my hair which is now a short salt and pepper and not the mid length brunette bob they remember! It’s so refreshing working with children and adolescents who will be more direct in their questions and more accepting of change. It’s such a pleasure and a privilege to be back at work
Lesley, you go for it!! I have battled acute myeloid leukemia this year, had a stem cell transplant and maintenance chemo now. I’m 30 pounds lighter with weird bald spots. Yet still I go out when I must and dress up for the doctor visits. Why not walk tall and be proud of your strength! It’s magnificent, and a lot of people could not have done it!
And yes to the neck lift. I’d do it in a minute if I could!
Well done Susan! I salute your strength and courage. My friends who are cancer survivors understand my journey the best. Three of them discarded their post-chemo wigs in the hot summer and walked around with their bare heads because it was comfortable. They pencilled in their brows and put on a lipstick and some blush. We wear our ‘scars’ with dignity. A smile is still the best accessory.
What a beautiful post…my dear mother in law who died at 99 used to say there are always people with more challenges than you ! It helps to remember that feeling good and healthy is the most important!
Your post set us on a higher level!
Let’s be happy for every wrinkle that was caused by smiling!
Hoping for your continued health and happiness!! Bet you are beautiful!
I’m so sorry to hear about your COVID and lasting problems, Lesley. That’s very hard to deal with and NO, we are supposed to go out and do what we please. I love your attitude and am sending good vibes your way.
as someone else said, here in South Florida, we are a large segment of the population, so I haven’t noticed the being ignored very much…one incident in a Victorias secret, and that resulted in me giving Soma a try, which worked out for me, cause I love Somas now.
I would do a facelift. I would spend the money on that rather than botox and fillers. and I already know which surgeon I would use, the drs and staff that did my breast reconstruction after breast cancer were Angels to me, I would trust them 100 percent. now its just a self debate of parting with the money, the 401k is healthy, but not fat, I could take it from there, but should I? im 64, the face isn’t really bothering me right now, so the debate is postponed.
Jennifer, the way you treated the younger woman at the bar speaks of the beauty in your soul, which makes a big difference in this world we live in. You made her feel seen, but just for her appearance. And I love how you help us to be our most beautiful, confident selves.
Thank you, Libby. I was horrified when she began to apologize! How often have we looked back and wondered why we didn’t appreciate the weight or age were were, at the time? I wanted her to embrace and recognize how special she is now!
My two sisters and I, all in our 60s, had met in Vancouver to enjoy a weekend together. After a busy City day, we went for dinner. The restaurant was just beginning to fill, leaving many 4-person tables with white tablecloths. We were seated in the worst spot in the restaurant, a huge (6 person?) booth immediately in front of the half-wall separating us from the busy kitchen. After sitting for several minutes with no wait staff attending us, I called one over and insisted we be moved to a more suitable table. After our wine and appetizers arrived, I looked over and saw that although there were still empty tables available, another trio of older women had been seated in the worst spot in the restaurant.
I loved your entire post. You were wonderful to the other girl and she loved you speaking out. Good for you! Have that neck-lift if you want. I’ve had a few things and I can tell the difference and it makes me feel good.
Happy New Year!!
Interesting blog… I would like for my mirror image to be firmer, but I try to remember what Betty White said on getting older: “It’s not a surprise, we knew it was coming — make the most of it. So you may not be as fast on your feet, and the image in your mirror may be a little disappointing, but if you are still functioning and not in pain, gratitude should be the name of the game.”
That’s a beautiful quote.
I have experienced the invisibility primarily when shopping–especially if I’m shopping with my 30 year old daughter. The clerks immediately go to her, which I find funny, as I have considerably more disposable income than she does! I used to get botox and fillers on a regular basis, but we moved across the country recently and I just haven’t really looked for a doctor to do it here. I find that I just look “refreshed” and it softens the fine lines. I would love to have an eye lift but am a little nervous to try it.
Lori, I’ve had the exact same experience. My daughter is mid-thirties and very pretty. I’ve had waiters etc respond to her even when I’ve asked the question.
Thank you for a very interesting article. I wish I had your confidence. I have had enough other surgeries so any plastic surgery is out for me, but I think those that do it look great.
After several years of discussions with my eye doctor, I finally decided to do an upper eyelid lift last summer. While I can see better, I really didn’t enjoy the process. And my eyelids will probably be tender for the rest of my life as scars tend to be. The recovery was annoying (including an allergy to the healing ointment they gave me to apply 2x daily). I also hate the odd feeling when I try to rub my eyes. The lid feels half gone (which I suppose it is…ha!) and putting on eye makeup has become a strange feeling as well. So overall, I would not do more surgery on my face. But I am not critical of those who want to do so. To each his/her own. Aging is not for sissies.
That numbness will fade with time.
I’m with anything that makes you feel better. I have had a surgical eye lift. That was about eight years ago. Since then I regularly get injections, of both Botox and fillers. I also do a monthly routine of visiting my aesthetician. She rotates several procedures including what is commonly known as a vampire facelift (PRP), and laser light treatments.
I made the decision “that’s enough.” I stop the line at blood. No surgery again for me. I’m 67. I look good enough. Instead I’m focusing on being in good physical shape. I stay active and want to be healthy enough to travel far as many years as possible.
This philosophy allows me to feel confident and look good as I’m going to, while I am still vertical.
Thanks for sharing, Peg. I’ve had some microneedling for the sun damage on my chin and know it can make a powerful change. PRP is fascinating. I need to read more about it.
What a wonderful post! It is curious that you forgot to publish this one. I’m 70 and it surprises me daily. How did I get here? I AM so thankful!! And yes, we are a bit invisible, but I can only take it with wisdom and grace that hopefully comes with this well earned 70 years! What’s not to love about a beautiful, fresh face, brimming with possibility? I’ve been fortunate not to have been snubbed to the point of rudeness, and I find most situations to be just the opposite. Regarding plastic surgery, I guess I have waited too long! Plus, I’ve had a couple of really serious health related surgeries that make me think twice about the experience. So I choose not to take that route. Call me a bit of a coward, but previous experience makes me shy away. Some of my good friends have had face lifts, etc, and they are gorgeous! So I say do what makes you happy!!!
There’s a book called “Facercise” by Carole Maggio. No miracles for me, but a definite improvement! She’s been around for a while as I purchased my copy of her book in 1995. And at $14.00, it’s a lot less expensive than a facelift!
I remember that book! I know face yoga is very popular too:)
Yes! The Maggio book and exercises really do work! After doing them twice a day for several weeks, my hooded lids lifted enough that I could create a small cat eye with liner. My cheekbones became more defined and I no longer needed to contour them. My lips were much fuller and chin was firmer. I really need to get back onto a routine!
The Facerobics channel on YouTube is also quite helpful. As compared to the Maggio routine, these exercises use hands/fingers to push/press on the face to create resistance. More repetitions and seemingly quicker results.
I’m astonished that face exercise doesn’t get more attention. It’s often dismissed and pooh-poohed. Results are subtle…but noticeable!
As to “invisibility,” I’m six feet tall, so they notice me…and then ignore me!!
Is that an improvement??
Many people I know here have had multiple Botox and Filler procedures looking very natural – well most of them. A warning learned from someone – go easy on fillers so you don’t end up with “squirrel cheeks”.
Face lifts scare me though I don’t personally know of anyone who has had one. I’ve read about the healing process and that’s what scares me. You’ve been through it with your mom so you do know.
(I think you’re beautiful as you are! )
I can understand a bit of Botox or Filler as no one might suspect anything – just that You looked more rested. But, if it’s something you want- go for it.
I am often looked past in shops or stores but not in the pharmacy line!
I’m not suggesting that there is no such thing as ageism out there nor that your experience wasn’t that, but just another side to the coin………perhaps in the time between your entrance and the young woman’s the bartender’s work load eased up. He may have been slammed with a bunch of orders about the time you sat down and by the time the younger lady sat down things had settled down a bit for him. Just saying……. .
Someone who always is as well dressed and put together as you are would never be ignored and if he didn’t have the manners to apologize and explain his tardy reception of you then he’s not really doing very well at his job, is he?
All of those things could have been true and it could have just been a crazy night…but I don’t think so. No matter, it’s happened before and it will happen again. At 65, I have a veil of invisibility that I can use if I want or fight against when the situation warrants it. It didn’t that rainy night in Vancouver.
Recently had this conversation with my sister-in-law but it centered around our newly grown out gray hair. Something else you will notice is people offering to “help” you more often…would you like help with loading your groceries, etc. Also, the glances. Sitting at a traffic light in your car, turning the corner in a big box store you will see the dismissive glance. My response? Look the best I can look for my age, hair coiffed, dress nicely, body in a healthy shape, and socialize with you friends!
I find it interesting that I’m disappointed I don’t have more gray in my hair yet am thinking of a neck lift. Thanks Julie.
Surgery or fillers? Has to be in the budget. Some women cannot afford either one. So they grow old gracefully. I do not think it’s anything wrong with having fillers or surgery, However I do think you should have the best person , doctor or office performing these tasks. A friend of mine had a facelift and the after effects are still glaring, leave you wondering who is this person! Her upper lip looks so different and almost don’t recognize her. So be careful in choices. Thanks for the topic today.
That is certainly my fear, Pam! I still want to look like me, just with less excess skin on my neck.
Lots of thoughts on this post! You bring up so many good points. Regarding your bar scene: Perhaps, coincidentally, they were all truly busy when you sat down but there was a “break” that coincided with the younger woman sitting down. Or maybe you looked undecided and they were letting you review the menu. Or many other possibilities. But probably not. I, too, have had this happen. I typically try to smile and make eye contact and maybe throw in a head nod. And I find this happens not just in eating establishments, but at some of my favorite places like home remodeling centers! Not naming any store names, because they’re all guilty. There, however, they gravitate towards helping men first, figuring women don’t know what they’re talking about. And that cooks my grits! Car dealers are another place where I have faced stereotyping, both in what I want to test drive (stick shift vehicles or trucks) and also in talking financing. They tend to try to bamboozle women. So it is not just being invisible, but also being considered inept, incapable or whatever else these minds have stereotyped us with.
Regarding how we choose to take on the aging process, nothing made me more aware of how my face has lost some of its youthfulness than the zoom meetings we were thrown into with the covid crisis. I was horrified as I looked at the screen and saw how I looked. Mind you, since I was practically captive in my home at the beginning of the crisis, I was going make-up free, as did most everyone else. And yes, I went for one juviderm session. I couldn’t see a difference and would go no further with injections because of reading what those injections are and how they are toxins in your body. Can’t/won’t do it! I’ve also thought of a brow lift, as my eyelids are getting more droopy with excess skin. Still can’t do it. For some reason, the thought of having unnecessary surgery scares me and so does all the things that could go wrong. I have several plastic surgeons that are clients and they all do fabulous jobs as I’ve scrolled their websites and seen the before/after pictures. However I also know women who have had work done and evidently some have a skin type/genetics that are prone to certain things, like the one woman who had severe “baggy eyes.” She had a brow lift and less than two years later, her eyes looked the same as they had pre-surgery. So, my thoughts are that I would rather spend that money on a trip to Europe where I can enjoy history, good food, and make memories! My face is what it is, and some of it is genetics and some is due to lifestyle. I blame my baggy eyes on my ex-husband, as I shed a lot of tears when he left me. I admire Dolly Parton to be so forthcoming about having plastic surgery because it makes her feel good and look youthful.
Thank you for bringing up this topic. My cousin is looking at a neck lift and I strongly encouraged her to look into it further, because if it makes you feel better, then you should absolutely do it! Just not for me, at this time. I may change my mind, but that is a woman’s prerogative.
Lots of great thoughts in your comment, Ellen. Not surprisingly, I’m more insulted and incensed when my intelligence is ignored or presumed lacking. I never ignore that one! Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
As baby boomers I believe we are the first generation to value youth and it is so hard to experience the changes as we age. I have my mom’s saggy neck and would also love to have a neck lift but my mother never gave it a second thought. I say go for the best plastic surgeon you can afford. I agree with you about the fillers. I am 72 and wish I could have afforded to do it 10 years ago. I do miss the attention I received when I was younger.
I find your comments about the bar experience very interesting as I have had the same happen to me. I admire the way you handled it and want to tell you that I thoroughly enjoy your posts! I’m 73, by the way, but still think of myself as 43! Have a great day!
Thanks Ann.
Unfortunately, invisibility comes with age to both men and women, but that has probably been the case since ‘Adam was a boy’. I don’t think being ignored is even intentional on anyone’s part, but it is hard not to feel somewhat resentful. As for ‘work’, I would like to get a surgical face lift, but have always been too nervous about anaesthetics. Instead, I opted for a liquid facelift and am very happy with the results and will continue to have fillers. Not botox though. I had botox to the lines at the outside corners of my eyes. Two weeks later, I had an episode of double vision which required a visit to the Emergency Room. A CT Angiogram, MRI, visits to a neuro ophthalmologist and a Neurologist later, it cannot be 100% determined whether the botox migrated to the eye muscle or whether it was a TIA (both Specialists suspect the Botox). Either way, I now have to take an aspirin and wear a prism in my glasses so I can drive. The botox (until the double vision) was fantastic though. Good luck with your neck lift Jennifer. No judgement here. As a plastic surgeon once said, it is either ‘your face or your figure’ which is indeed quite the conundrum.
That is terrifying, Susan! Thank you for sharing your story with us.
I have had braces on my teeth 3 times in my 65 year life. I am currently using invisiline, sort of invisible correction trays, they are amazing!
I could have been finished with treatment 5 months ago but I know my teeth. They are stubborn, unlike me of course.
The day to put the behind teeth permanent hold wires on came and the Orthodontist asked me if I was satisfied? I asked him “when people ask me who did your teeth? Do you want me to say you?”. I had told him my failed treatment history at the onset of treatment. He said “…..not really satisfied with the tiny space you have between the fronts it looks like you have a seed stuck but if you are ready we will wire ‘em in, I thought you were in a hurry to be finished”
I said “look this is my last chance to get it right, let’s do this”
Ok so 9 more weeks/trays ordered and I will be finished after that. Treatment still taking less than a year.
My point is: I felt I was invisible before getting my teeth fixed. I am thrilled with my smile, even wearing the invisiline trays. It is a reflection of my soul. I don’t have anyone telling me I have a seed stuck, spinach leaf on the side smile maybe lol. but that would be for real.
Considering eye lid lift when insurance will pay for it. (medicare pays for this correction if lid measures a certain amount of extra skin)
Thank you Jennifer for being real, love your style. Keep up the great work for us in our third/third.
Thank you for sharing your story, Nancy. I understand completely! I would be the same way. I had horrible teeth, that constantly need fixing but it’s worth it to my stubborn self.
@ Jennifer. The Neuro-Ophthalmologist said she has had several cases of women with post botox double vision. I have had in the past eyelid droop from Botox and the Neurologist did say I could be very sensitive to it as I had a Bell’s Palsy many years ago. Nothing is without risk though.
You bring up an excellent point, nothing is without risk. That’s why I am weighing mine.
The invisibility thing is interesting. Where I live in south Florida most people are over 60 and many are over 70 so we are not as invisible as we are elsewhere. I am often surprised at that when I go other places and do not get attention the way I do at home. The worst is at work, however. I am still working in corporate America and will be as long as they keep me around but the opportunities to advance or even do something different dried up when I turned 60. I am always in fear of the next round of layoffs. I am sure I am at the top of the list just due to my age.
I would love to have plastic surgery but I am very fearful of complications. I work in healthcare and have seen what can, and often does, happen. I have used botox and fillers for years. They are OK but expensive and the effects do not last. I could probably have had a facelift for all the money I’ve spent over the years on botox alone. I have had other procedures (lipo and breast augmentation) and I now regret them very much. So, I am avoiding it for now.
Ageism is rampant in the workplace and women certainly get the worst of it. I’m sorry you’re dealing with it, Ellen. Interesting about visibility in Florida. The same is true in my active retirement community. I wonder if that’s why so many seniors love them.
Invisibility and ageism prevails. I have cared for older adults most of my personal life and worked for 30 years in an organization dedicated to their care. Now, I am one. I believe we need to take every opportunity to speak up and teach others that all people deserve the same respect and attention. Boomers are the largest demographic (here) and not typically a passive one. It is time to be clearly visible.
p.s. love the periwinkle toenails. Will try on my fingernails. 😊
We do need to educate others but sometimes, I just don’t have the energy.
I think every woman should do what makes her feel her best. I get some botox every few months and love the little lift it gives me. I’m too afraid of the complications of surgery to go that far but, again, think every woman should do what suits her. I always maintain my highlights and lowlights and never intend to go gray. I do feel the “invisibility” of aging at 59 but I also feel the freedom that has come with age. I worry less, accept more and generally have an easier time “going with the flow.” I love being retired and spending my days doing what I want to.
What a wonderful way to describe the wisdom that comes with age. Thanks Janet
At age 55, I had a neck lift as an add-on to another procedure (not a facelift). I’m now 67. In these past years, of course, it has lost the tautness of a fresh lift but I am still pleased. I find that when I work out my neck looks tighter. Several years pre-procedure, a co-worker told me that she could tell when I was working out by looking at my neck! I really could use an eyelid lift but no one is messing with my eyes! I say go for it Jennifer!
As to the Issue of visibility, you are correct for the most part. I think those who can afford to get surgery should do so if it makes them feel better about themselves. I will be 72 this year and I still want to look as good as I can within my means. I still color my hair and use the best skincare I can afford. The pressure on women to look perfect all the time is difficult. Especially when we age. The Hollywood set makes look like you can be without a line on your face at 65. They have a full time job looking good.
Thank you for addressing this topic.
It’s a complex topic for sure. Thanks for being here, Mary
I see (and prefer) my own invisibility on a nearly daily basis. There are times I don’t appreciate it, but overall I understand it. I also know that I can be vocal about it when needed, and that has come from age as well. As for ‘work’, I think about it at times but usually dismiss it. I began going grey in my early 30’s and still going that way (64 now). I had a round of cancer and have been blessed to live beyond expectations. I avoid as many procedures as I can as I believe they would lead to waking the sleeping giant. My treatments included radiation to the head and neck, and I recently read of how that causes advanced ageing! I already figured that one out. All that being said, I wish I had aged more gracefully, but I am eternally grateful to God for every day I get, no matter my outward appearance! Always enjoy your blog and thank you for taking the time to write it.
Thank you for your wise comment and for sharing your story, Deb. It’s powerful, and I’m so glad to hear you’re on the other side of it. I couldn’t agree more about choosing when to be vocal about invisibility.
I know how you feel about being invisible! One year around Valentine’s Day I walked into a boutique and home decor store near me. The two ladies working there were engrossed in a conversation and never said a word to me as I walked around looking at the very expensive clothes. Just as I was leaving two younger women walked in. They were greeted enthusiastically and informed that everything red was marked down. I walked out and have never been back. I was invisible even to other women.