Monday Musings- Visibilty
Happy Monday ladies. I have a funny story to tell. There’s no rhyme or reason for why I’m telling you this now, except I found this blog draft written out and had forgotten to publish it.
Invisibility
Picture this, a 65-year-old woman (me) walks into a restaurant to have dinner on a busy Friday night in a large metropolitan city. The only place to sit is at the bar. I sit down, slide a menu over and scan it. Thereās a lot of activity behind the bar…two or three bartenders and several waitresses are hustling back and forth. I wait for five, maybe six minutes before anyone looks up and says hi, would you like dinner?
Dinner is delivered and I start eating. A young woman walks up and asks if it’s OK to take the seat next to me. I smile and nod. Before her butt has even touched the seat, a bartender greets her and asks what sheād like. Interesting…
I continue eating as my mind tries to make sense of what just happened. Perhaps she’s dating someone who works here. Maybe she works here. Or maybe she’s a regular. There must be a reason for her greeting vs mine. Or perhaps it’s simply because I’m a 65-year-old woman who has become invisible.
As I enjoy my meal, I try to digest what happened. I pay my bill and just before I go, I turn to her and use that old tired line, “do you come here often?”. She laughs and says “no, Iāve never been here before”. I relay to her what happened with me vs her.Ā She begins to apologize profusely and I stop her mid-sentence. I tell her I’m not bothered and encourage her to enjoy and appreciate the attention she receives now because it won’t last a lifetime.
She looks me in the eye and admits she had such a bad day, she didn’t want to go out that night, then she thanks me for making her day.
This happened last year when I was dog-sitting in Vancouver. It didn’t upset me, so much as remind me that women our age do lose visibility. Has this happened to you?
Color
My interest in color continues and I am currently reading Color Therapy. A reader mentioned how certain colors make her feel so I hunted around and discovered this. It has very good reviews. Since I’m also in the market for wall color, I thought this would be a fun read, and it is.
Remember when I said I wouldn’t paint my nails periwinkle, I changed my mind. I was shocked at the number of blue and purple nail polish colors available. Where have I been? This is the Essie pret-a-surfer and I also ordered the You Do You which is closer to a true periwinkle blue.
Necklift
I went for a consultation several months ago…long before the invisibility experience above, and am considering having one. My mom had a complete facelift at 57 that I helped her through, so I saw the process up close. She looked amazing, felt more confident, and was thrilled.
I believe all women are entitled to age the way they choose. There’s no shame in improving our appearance. Anything we choose to do that empowers us and makes us feel more confident, is a personal decision. Botox and filler are commonplace and many women think nothing of it. Does that differ in intent from plastic surgery? Not in my book. It’s used to improve your appearance. The funny thing is, fillers frighten me…I know, crazy. Surgery does too, but strangely, not as much.
What are your thoughts? Please remember to be thoughtful of other women here, because many readers have had “work done” and this blog continues to be a safe and respectful place to discuss things.
Thanks for reading ladies and remember to wear what makes you feel confident.
This was a wonderful post. Iāll be 75 in August. I tell my grandchildren to do what you love
I am enjoying your blog. Just curious about the neck lift consultation. Did the surgeon recommend a lower face lift as well as the neck lift? I also went for a consult about a neck lift. The surgeon said that the lower face should be done as well. If you only do the neck aging in lower face area would be more noticeable and result would probably not be what I was looking for.
My Dr told me the same thing. Iām undecided, I just want to tighten my neck but I donāt want to make other parts look worse by comparison.
Years ago had a Blepharoplasty (due heavy eyelids) as recommended by my eye specialist but since a coward when it comes to surgery do not plan to have any other cosmetic work and will opt to celebrate any wrinkles as ‘ character lines ‘ … āŗ. As to botox/filler injections forget that as well, being allergy sensitive to even prescribed medications so wouldn’t even risk it. (I’m now 75.) That said; agree ‘there is no shame in improving our appearance’, so go for it Jennifer as you are only around once so do what pleases ‘you’.
-Brenda-
I haven’t felt invisible yet but I’m only 58. I’m getting my eyelids and boobs lifted on Feb 1 and can’t wait. My neck does bother me though.
Best of luck with your surgery, Robin!
I absolutely agree that we become invisible as we age. I’ve also noticed different treatment when I run errands with make up versus without which happened even when I was younger.
As a 73 year old woman, I can honestly say that age has brought me more confidence, strength, wisdom, grace and kindness than my youth, and I wholeheartedly agree with Jennifer’s words, “All women are entitled to age the way they choose”.
I also find inspiration in the words of the late Audrey Hepburn:
“For attractive lips, speak words of kindness.
For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people.
For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry.
For beautiful hair, let a child run his/her fingers through it once a day.
For poise, walk with the knowledge that you never walk alone.
People, even more than things need to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed; never throw out anyone.
Remember, if you ever need a hand, you will find one at the end of each of your arms.
As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands, one for helping yourself, and the other for helping others”.
Thatās beautiful. Thank you for sharing.
Invisibility – something we never expected to experience in life but yet we do. Culture and society are centered around youthfulness (thank you Madison Avenue and Hollywood). Sometimes it makes me feel bad and other times, not at all. It all has to do with how you feel that day. It’s such a shame that strangers can make us feel that way – we should all try to bring a smile to others’ faces.
As for having “work done,” if it would make you feel better, go for it! I had breast augmentation done in 2008 and have been very happy with the results (it balanced my larger hips and gave me curves I hadn’t had; I was 57). Thinking about the eye lid lift as my right eye lid droops badly but the left is okay. And, as one of the women mentioned, Botox is definitely a remedy for incontinence. I have decided that is the road I will take to deal with my “issue.”
Thank you, Jennifer, and all the lovely ladies who reply. We lift each other up and keep each other going.
I had no idea that Botox would help with incontinence! What a wonderful treatment!
Joan Rivers would say “It’s better to get out of an old car with a new face then a new car with an old face.” Makes sense to me!
Joan was hilarious
I donāt feel Iām treated any differently but Iām from the South so most men even the younger ones, show respect to women at any age here. It is something I notice if I leave the South though. Being called āmaāamā here not so much fun.š. I love pinks, blues, greens but just donāt paint my nails now. Keep them short too because Iām gnot happy with my older hands but at least they work. Great post.
Good morning Jennifer,
Responding to your discussion regarding improving our appearance. I receive Botox injections every 3 months for my migraines (which helps greatly). I donāt know why anyone would want to subject themselves to the pain for ābeautyā!
I am 69 and happy with my life – but aware everyone has different needs and wants.
Jennifer,
I encourage you to embrace whatever makes you the best you can be! Aging……it sneaks up on you and you find yourself in your sixties! As a medical professional it is imperative to seek out only board certified plastic surgeons. They must pass rigorous exams in order to be certified and they are required to retake the exams at recurring intervals.
I have had my eyes done and I get botox to the administrative lines and crows feet. Like you, I am not a fan of the filler look. Recovery was painless and quick. You are in good health, I am confident you will be asking yourself “Why didn’t I do this sooner?”
Thank you, Cindy
I found I was starting to become invisible when I was 50. I am now 69 and my husband is 74 yes we are old but I don’t think we look too wrinkled. Never had any procedures only Caci facials. Of course we look older than when we met in our 40s but we will continue to age as long as possible together. I think if you want work done that is the right decision for you if it makes you happier. Good luck!
I actually love finally being invisible because it is freedom to do what I want and not be bothered by any one. I had my turn to be young and it was great. Now I am enjoying my turn to be invisible š
Thatās a great attitude!
Absolutely! this had happened to me several times at the Nordstrom cosmetics counter. The sales clerks kept walking past me, not even acknowledging me, as the busily applied makeup to teenagers. An older shoe salesman noticed me and apologized for them. I sent an email to the store manager and reminded her ladies of a certain age have money to spend and should not be ignored.
Iāve made phone calls to store managers reminding them of just the same!
If cosmetic procedures make a women in her 60s/70s feel better about herself she should go for it. However, seriously doubt if that will make any difference in how she is treated by employees of shops and bars who are in their 20s or actually just about anyone else.
Appreciate the warning comments about eyelift surgery because that is something I thought might improve my vision. Will let that idea go for now.
I totally agree, it wonāt change a womanās visibility.
Dear Jennifer, I love the complete honesty, humor, and helpfulness of your blog from skin care to outer wear! Thank you!
I’m 82, feel 72 and try to live and look my best life. You inspire me – blue toenails may be a stretch; but who knows – I head out for an exercise session with a trainer, and tomorrow golf at my club. I have some ideas for starting a “shawl” ministry for women who have suffered a loss.
Blessed 2022 to you and your readers!
Thank you for being here, Diane!
I say “yes!” to your neck lift!
This was a great thought provoking post. And yes I have experienced the exact same thing. It was sort of a shock when it happened the first time. Now I just go with the flow. The invisibility shield can be our secret power. haha
I do get botox. I have also have had a neck lift and my eyes done. I did it all for me. I let my hair go gray and I love it. So whether it’s painting our nails blue or getting a neck lift, I’m all for whatever makes you happy!
This is a fun topic. At age 70, I have what I call, become wallpaper in some situations. Now when I go into stores, I search for the oldest clerk I can find. I often even ask a younger employee if there is someone working there today that is closer to my age. I tell them that I so appreciate stores that continue to employ older workers as they can be so helpful to me. It works. I find that those older employees also feel ignored and overlooked. When I search them out and tell them how happy I am to have their help and advice, they smile and thank me. It is a win-win every time. Thanks for bringing this up.
I love that you do this, Dee. Iām going to copy you!
What a great idea and welcome reminder
I’ve heard many variations on that story and have experienced it myself…it’s true, I’m afraid. In our society, women are valued primarily for their appearance and their youth, rather than their wisdom, experience, or wit. it can be painful and it’s a real loss to society, as well. I think it is one reason we older women value our female contemporaries so much. We can see and appreciate each other’s great value. As for color, about 15 years ago, when I was just turning 50, I began craving color. I ended up turning to quilting, where I began to experiment with the colors I was drawn to. For me, those are often bold, warm colors. Not only does it help satisfy my color craving, it made me much more comfortable dumping the black uniform and incorporating color into my wardrobe. The amount of black dwindles each year and now I only have a couple of really comfortable black joggers that I wear on a regular basis. My neutrals are now navy, khaki and brown.
Thatās a wonderful story! I love your color journey š
I have done Botox and the needles are so small you barely feel it. I love the outcome! I am more scared of surgery so interested what others say. š
I’m having a face and neck lift on Friday. It’s not a decision I’ve come to lightly because it is an elective surgery and not without risk. However, at 71, I feel it’s now or never. I’ve always taken good care of my skin so it’s a good canvas. I’ve done my homework and have chosen a great surgeon. I will still be “invisible” when healed but feel it will be a shot of joy after these bleak two years of little to look forward to, plus a reaffirmation of my health and fitness goals.
Good for you, Susan! You hit the nail on the head. I will still be invisible, and I know it. Thatās not why Iām considering it. Best of luck!!
Someone referred to Facersize. I saw an infomercial on it 22 years ago and do daily facial exercises (not all suggested), that takes about 2 minutes. They help keep jawline, neck and cheekbones defined. I’ll keep doing them.
I’ve experienced waiting in line and having someone step ahead of me like I wasn’t there. I hold my ground though !
Thanks for the post and all the comments.
I hold me ground too! Thanks for sharing, Marie
Oh my, just reading the previous comments makes me realize that we are an army of women all treading forward through a new, foggy life journey. I have caught that glimpse in a mirror or a random photo that made me pause and question when did all this happen? How can I be in a 75 year old body but still have the thoughts and dreams of a 29 year old? I too, donāt want to be invisible but I also donāt want to be totally consumed with the topic either. Itās a delicate balance. Several times (maybe many times), Iāve been greeted with a āhello dearā or āthank you dearā . Am I now everyoneās grandma?
Love your topic this morning! Do what makes you feel confident Jennifer! Weāre all on this same journey, just some of us are a bit further down the trail.
Being called ādearā grates on me like nails on a chalkboard! It makes me crazy. If my grandson grows up to call me dear, it will still make me crazy! It just sounds condescending, not to mention overly familiar. Have a great day, Jan
I once had a stuck in neutral career, had my eyes and a necklift done at 50.
My career suddenly started to get better, retired at 69 with six figure income and am very comforable.
Go figure!
Thatās fascinating, Ann. Ageism is horrible in the workplace. Thanks for sharing.
Yes, I, too am an invisible woman, especially since I have let my hair go gray. I will be 68 in April and my invisibility began in my mid 60ās. I notice it more when I am shopping in stores geared to a younger demographic, such as Loft.
I had a face and eye lift when I was 60 and I loved it. Unfortunately, they donāt last forever and I always thought I would do a refresher when I turned 70, but I probably wonāt. Iām tired of trying to look younger and am trying to accept my appearance as it is. You have my support in whatever you decideā¦good luck!
Yes! Where we are does seem to impact how invisible we are! Thanks for sharing Betsy Jo.
Ah, good for you on the neck lift; I am planning one (plus mid facelift) this year, too! Why not do it if it will make you feel better? So many good docs out there. Good luck!
There are many good doctors. Thanks for sharing and best of luck with your surgery! I knew I was not alone.
Thought-provoking post. Iām 66 and havenāt noticed the invisibility factor but maybe it is because Iāve just written it off to retail service generally declining. When I do run across particularly good service, I always compliment people and/or write a positive review.
Iāve had Botox and filler over the years and was happy with the results. Unfortunately, I discovered that, as reported by the American Society of Dermatological Surgery and others- see links below, one of the side effects of the Covid vaccine (2 does and booster) that you donāt hear much about is that the heightened immune response can result in the filler being attacked and dissolved. I wound up with hard lumps where I had had filler. They resolved over the last few months but all the filler seems to have disappeared and I look a lot older all of a sudden!
Iām considering a face lift to get rid of my jowls but Iām hesitant about the surgery. Iāll be interested to hear what you decide.
Fillers are so commonplace, I’m not sure why I hesitate but now there seems to be a sound medical reason since I’ve had all 3 COVID vaccines. Thanks Sandy
I love blue but have thought blue nail polish wasn’t for me when my sister asked me if I had injured my blue-painted toe as it looked like it was a black-and-blue injury to her.
My mother took a book out of our public library that had color wheels in it and never returned it. It was her constant companion for the rest of her life as she decorated various areas. I wonder what book that was.
Funny you should mention that about the toes;)
I can add to your “invisible” story. I too have been overlooked at my ripe age of 73. But about 15 years ago, I broke my ankle. I had to use crutches for weeks! My husband took pity on me and rented me a wheelchair so I could go to the local mall and shop. Being in a wheelchair is becoming invisible to the nth degree!!! People would not look me in the eye, and sometimes ran into my chair! just a little story……..
Thatās awful!! I hadnāt thought of it until now. I will be more intentional about noticing people with handicaps. Thank you for mentioning it, Linda.
There is a very funny and on the mark episode of āGrace and Frankieā that deals with this. Unable to get the clerk to pay attention to the older women instead of the pretty young blonde, they just walk out with their intended purchase. I have had this experience in a Sephora and walked out (but not with a product!)
Iāve left a store many times for the sane reason but usually āheavily placeā the item on the counter and say why Iām leaving š
Such a juicy topic! At almost 70 I have never felt unnoticed, especially by those who matter to me. I think we all unconsciously scan the landscape for those like us. So as we grey haired folks grow in number, we will still have impact. I do take notice when someone commands respect by making eye contact, smiling, being polite, being well groomed, making a friendly comment.
How we see ourselves is different than how others see us. I canāt imagine anyone getting past your beautiful eyes, your coloring, your megawatt smile to even think about your neck. Your sophistication and intelligence are expressed in your way of speaking and dressing. Learning to express oneās worth externally is a skill that requires conscious effort. I might have to live longer to master it!