Monday Musings- Visibilty
Happy Monday ladies. I have a funny story to tell. There’s no rhyme or reason for why I’m telling you this now, except I found this blog draft written out and had forgotten to publish it.
Invisibility
Picture this, a 65-year-old woman (me) walks into a restaurant to have dinner on a busy Friday night in a large metropolitan city. The only place to sit is at the bar. I sit down, slide a menu over and scan it. Thereās a lot of activity behind the bar…two or three bartenders and several waitresses are hustling back and forth. I wait for five, maybe six minutes before anyone looks up and says hi, would you like dinner?
Dinner is delivered and I start eating. A young woman walks up and asks if it’s OK to take the seat next to me. I smile and nod. Before her butt has even touched the seat, a bartender greets her and asks what sheād like. Interesting…
I continue eating as my mind tries to make sense of what just happened. Perhaps she’s dating someone who works here. Maybe she works here. Or maybe she’s a regular. There must be a reason for her greeting vs mine. Or perhaps it’s simply because I’m a 65-year-old woman who has become invisible.
As I enjoy my meal, I try to digest what happened. I pay my bill and just before I go, I turn to her and use that old tired line, “do you come here often?”. She laughs and says “no, Iāve never been here before”. I relay to her what happened with me vs her.Ā She begins to apologize profusely and I stop her mid-sentence. I tell her I’m not bothered and encourage her to enjoy and appreciate the attention she receives now because it won’t last a lifetime.
She looks me in the eye and admits she had such a bad day, she didn’t want to go out that night, then she thanks me for making her day.
This happened last year when I was dog-sitting in Vancouver. It didn’t upset me, so much as remind me that women our age do lose visibility. Has this happened to you?
Color
My interest in color continues and I am currently reading Color Therapy. A reader mentioned how certain colors make her feel so I hunted around and discovered this. It has very good reviews. Since I’m also in the market for wall color, I thought this would be a fun read, and it is.
Remember when I said I wouldn’t paint my nails periwinkle, I changed my mind. I was shocked at the number of blue and purple nail polish colors available. Where have I been? This is the Essie pret-a-surfer and I also ordered the You Do You which is closer to a true periwinkle blue.
Necklift
I went for a consultation several months ago…long before the invisibility experience above, and am considering having one. My mom had a complete facelift at 57 that I helped her through, so I saw the process up close. She looked amazing, felt more confident, and was thrilled.
I believe all women are entitled to age the way they choose. There’s no shame in improving our appearance. Anything we choose to do that empowers us and makes us feel more confident, is a personal decision. Botox and filler are commonplace and many women think nothing of it. Does that differ in intent from plastic surgery? Not in my book. It’s used to improve your appearance. The funny thing is, fillers frighten me…I know, crazy. Surgery does too, but strangely, not as much.
What are your thoughts? Please remember to be thoughtful of other women here, because many readers have had “work done” and this blog continues to be a safe and respectful place to discuss things.
Thanks for reading ladies and remember to wear what makes you feel confident.
Being the invisible age has been very evident to me in the last 10 years!
I have talked about my feelings about this with a couple of student nurses I have mentored. It opened their eyes. I donāt think itās really bed especially when we are aware. Thank goodness for our own support system & great female friends! Love your blogā¤ļø
I had a necklift in May 2021 when I was 76 and am thrilled with the results. There was no pain but quite a bit of discomfort for a couple of weeks. You have to sleep on your back with your head elevated and that was a challenge for me since I’m like a rotisserie and turn all night. No one knew about the surgery other than my husband and two children because I didn’t want to be concerned about anyone judging me for being too vain. Only two people asked me if I had had something done, and that was after just 2-3 weeks. After a month I don’t think anyone noticed any changes; I just looked refreshed and less tired. Find a great surgeon and go for it!
Thank you Dorothy. Iām hoping for your results.
Yes I experience āage invisibilityā often although it seems to be less now that Iām 70. This is why I enjoy your posts. Because feeing good and dressing well leads to confidence that counters invisibility. Regarding having work done – Iād do it if I could afford it. Ah well I guess itās all about priorities but Iām looking forward to reading about your experiences with the neck lift.
I daydream about a neck lift and a eyelid fix. I wouldnāt tell anyone beforehand, probably not after either. Too many people have no hesitation to pronounce negative judgments. I would like to do this to spiff up my appearance. Ive taken good care of my skin , but gravity takes its toll.
I doubt any thing would provide a return to visibility ā that ship sailed.
I have two very funny stories about age that I still laugh about.
We were out to dinner with two other couples. It was someone’s birthday so we decided to have dessert. After I ordered mine, I said I would have coffee, too. The young waiter replied I’d better not as it would keep me awake all night. I replied to the effect, “Young man, what is the matter with you telling me that?! While you are at it, make that an Irish coffee!” The other happened last Christmas. I was at a drug store buying gift cards to the tune of $100 each for our son and family. The cashier said, “Do you know who you are buying these for?” I looked at her oddly, and said of course, I did. She then replied “We like to make sure that our elderly aren’t being taken advantage of.” What could I say but good for you. Let me tell you, every time I buy a gift card now, I think of that. In all my life those two incidents are the only times I have felt called out for my age!
Fortunately, I have good genetics, no wrinkles or sags. I taught high school and community college until I retired at 65. Until Covid, I still taught 1-2 community college classes a year. Attitude, humor and fashion flair go a long way in how one is treated. That and as I age remind me of Jerry Garcia “Be Grateful.”
Those are funny, Kathy
I have had the same experience! Very frustrating – so much so that I get sarcastic. But what’s more frustrating is when my beautiful (34yo daughter-blonde-blue eyed-tall) joins me and we get served immediately! Mind you no difference between male or female servers.
I have noticed that being invisible is a great way to entertain myself with eavesdropping. If people are going to share so much in public, you bet Iāll make it work for me. Then I expand my new material into little stories for my husbandās amusement. He thinks itās weird, but he sure likes the stories.
Having work done: I have had numerous surgeries on my face because of skin cancer. The worst one was the forehead flap skin graft to the tip of my nose. It was grotesque and painful, but worked nicely. At that time I decided to give my face a little treat after each of these calamities. I like laser treatments because they help with scarring and also with those pesky pre cancers.
I laughed at your experience. A couple of years ago, I was having lunch with a younger friend, she is beautiful. As we were walking into the restaurant a young man rushed to open the door for her, I was right behind, he stepped in front of me and let the door shut in my face. I could have gotten upset but kept my sense of humor. Like the young lady in your story, my friend apologized for it. I just laughed and told her pretty much the same thing you did. A sense of humor is more important as we age.
Excellent topic today. Back in 1997, at the age of fifty, I decided to have some āworkā done. I had noticed that the skin under my jaw line had become heavy. I guess is the word. When I turned my head I would catch the skin on my jaw bone. So I went a plastic surgeon, and had some work done. What I should have done first is see a spinal doctor because as it turned out, the cartilage/vertebrae in my neck was slowly dissolving. But I didnāt. Just a precautionary concern if any of you are considering cosmetic surgery.
Anyway, as for the surgery, it went well. At the same time I also had an eye lift which I was very pleased with. So now, I am, or course showing my age and that doesnāt really concern me at my age now, as much as my overall health.
I do want to emphasize that when I had the āworkā done,I did it for myself, not because of how other people saw me, or because of public opinion, just simply for myself. I think that is probably the most important consideration for anyone considering a little or a lot of adjustment, do it for yourself, for your self esteem, not because someone else says you should.
At this time in my lifeās travel, the most important thing is to love yourself with all your faults.
I have had my teeth straightened, lens implants (now contact lens free!), breast reduction, botox, eyebrow microblading. Each time I asked my sisterās opinion, she tells me āthatās not necessaryā. Well, it is to me! I exercise, stay positive, work part time, a wife of 38 years, stepmom, grandmom, and a caregiver for my elderly father. If I feel overlooked, I speak up. Loudly! We are wise, experienced and have a LOT to offer this world we live in. ā¤ļøā¤ļø
Bravo, Lisa. It’s not easy to caretake an older parent. We do have tons to offer!!
Regarding invisibility, I think what is often ignored is the age of the other person. If the bartender had been 65 (was he?) I doubt you would have been invisible as a customer, although there is always the factor of male attraction to the nubile young. People naturally pay more attention to those in their own generation; as we get older, the pool of people who are younger than we are keeps growing and they are focusing on each other. And to be honest, the only reason I want their attention is so they can serve me, so I have no trouble commanding it where it is not offered. On polish, no periwinkle for me as it makes my warm/neutral skin look dead. Iāll admire it on you though. And as for plastic surgery, Iām saving up for a neck lift myself and looking forward to it.
I think your point is excellent about the age of the bartenders. They were all young enough to be my son.
Two “invisible” incidents come immediately to mind. One, I was a “member” of a winery in the rural area of your and my area. We went in and were completely ignored, not even a “Hi, I will be right with you.” After this happening twice, I cancelled our membership. The other was a coffee shop in Maui while on vacation. My order was placed, but I waited and waited. After this happening twice, I went elsewhere where I was greeted warmly. So I give people the benefit of the doubt, but when it is common to ignore people over 60, my money goes away.
We do need to speak loudly with our money when we can!
The invisibility that ladies experience with age in our youth obsessed culture is commonplace for Black ladies regardless of age. From my 20s and into my 70s it has been the steady state. It is worse or better depending on where in the USA one finds oneself. Well dressed with money to buy, sales clerks may not greet let alone assist. One sees those of another hue arrive to receive excellent customer service. Attempts to stop a taxi too often result in repeated attempts as taxi after taxi pass and halt in front of our white sisters and brothers. In frustration I have had to forgo local business concerns and order on line to obtain the very same item it was impossible to purchase locally. I’ve a leather Chesterfield sofa that after visiting a local store several times never resulted in customer service. I had to buy it on line, one of many other high end purchases that ended the same way. There are so many same experiences. Because of my skin some make negative assumptions or, for whatever reason, look past me. While traveling in Europe, other parts of North America and Asia, I have never been invisible.
Thank you for bringing this up Peggy! Racism can be so subtle that people arenāt aware of how theyāre behaving. We really are so much less cosmopolitan. Iām so sorry youāve had to struggle with this. Itās just wrong!
I am 58, and my hair has been white for a few years now. I definitely feel more invisible, and I get more ‘maam’ – but there are also advantages to being more invisible, and to being offered help more often. I don’t love myself in photos, but on a day to day basis I don’t spend a lot of time thinking about how I look. I think people should do whatever makes them feel good, and for me, I think I have a lot more I can do naturally to be healthier (sleep, exercise, eating habits, stress reduction) and look better (color use, haircuts) before I head to unnatural. I had to have surgery last year, and I was so scared about it I don’t foresee doing any surgery voluntarily. But if someone wants to – no shame. Love your blue nails.
Sorry to hear about the invisible story. Maybe the lady next to you looked impatient, needy, and the waiter felt he needed to help her.
I am 72, workout, color my hair, dress in style and feel fortunate to be moving , traveling. Several people I know that are 60 and up have health issues or have passed that I know.
The circle of friends I am around probably won’t have work done, so it is nice not to have the pressure. We are a relaxed group of women as far as concerned about our looks.
I am probably the one most bothered by looking older. So far I just have the frown lines between the eyebrows. I have inherited my mom and dad’s youthful appearance. So far I have bangs that cover the frown lines. I don’t think I will do surgery for aging. I had rotator cuff surgery years ago and foot surgery on bunion and torn ligament in second toe. I will tell you both were long recoveries and very painful.
Best to you on what you decide to do. True beauty is from within, and you seem to have that Jennifer.
Thank you, Donna. My bunion surgery was one of the most excruciating experiences I have been through.
I have my grandmotherās āgobble gobbleā as I called it when I was a kid. I swore to myself Iād never look like that. But here I am, 68 years old with that same neck. I would love to have a neck lift and may look into it soon. For now, I do enjoy wearing masks because they hide it a little!
Unfortunately, yes, the invisibility “thing” has happened to me too many times. It’s not fun. I had been going into a popular big box beauty store for a while; maybe 5 times before anyone ever asked if they could help me. I witnessed all the young girls being greeted as they walked in the door. Finally on my 6th time, a male clerk asked if he could help me! I told him of my experience and that he was the first to ask. No comment from him about that. The funny thing is, he was around my age! Oh well.
As far as the nail polish, I love blues, teals and periwinkle for nails. Your color is gorgeous!
Getting “work” done is not for me; botox, surgery, nothing, but I did buy a NuFace Microcurrent skincare device. We’ll see how that works.
Jennifer, thank you for talking about this. I haven’t experienced it yet, but I wonder if it would happen if I wasn’t with my husband. Sometimes a couple gets quicker attention than a single older person.
It also reminded me of a mystery I read a few years ago – “Invisible” by Lorena McCourtney. The main character, Ivy Malone, is an older woman who realizes it easy to become an amateur detective because she is “invisible” to so many people – they don’t notice her looking around, or listening in on conversations.
Yes, I have been invisible many times but now I am not so bothered as there are times when I really donāt want to make an impression on strangers surrounding me. If I need attention faster than the ones surrounding me want to give it, I start speaking up and requesting service.
The tips I give reflect the service I got.
As for cosmetic surgery, itās an individual decision. If the man or woman would feel better having something done, then more power to them!
I love blue or purple toenail color! This one is perfect.
Iām 72 YO. Is it weird that I would rather be ignored, especially while browsing in a store? I have felt differently when waiting for service though, but I have to applaud you for your kindness to that young woman. My most recent episode of being ignored made me laugh. Husband and I were at a Home Depot looking for garage door lubricant to stop a squeak and I asked a man working in the department where we could find it. He took us to the right shelf and proceeded to tell my HUSBAND how to use it! Hello! Iām the one who asked you for it. We had a good laugh about that.
Also, I wish I had the courage for a neck lift! I say, go for it!
One experience that I’ve had with ageism is at the doctor’s office. Has anyone else had this? You turn 65 and all of a sudden you are on Medicare and the office staff start treating you like the village idiot — for example, offfering to send a home health aid to help with meds. My husband’s doctor completely ignores the whole Medicare. My husband pointed out that everyone is different and that some people need help at 65, but I think the staff should pay attention to each patient rather than make blanket assumptions. To be fair, the doctor, herself, doesn’t do this.
I just reached 82, and just finished a wonderful concert week with the Grand Rapids Symphony Chorus–also still sell a little real estate. I had the eyelid lift because there was interference with my sight. I happen to produce prodigious scar tissue, as did one of my sons after back surgery. My friend’s eyelids are much smoother after her surgery. So I would opt out of any further facial cutting. But if others consider the procedures worth the discomfort and don’t take it to the state of the Joan Rivers face, more power to them.
There are occasional advantages to age. The young female officer who stopped me for speeding (not extreme) just gave me a warning. I’m sure I reminded her of her grandmother. The voice projection and slightly theatrical posture that I have from extensive singing and real estate, prevent some of the invisibility, but I’m not sure it would in a bar. That’s just the younger set’s domain.
Thought provoking! As evidenced by all the comments I’m reading, and it’s only 9:40am CST! Jennifer, you do whatever you decide to do. I’ll enjoy your journey, no matter which way you go. And to all the women responding in the comments, thank you too! We all have so much to share. The sense of community that you bring to your blog is like a little blessing each day. Thank you.
I feel so blessed to have the audience I do. We are a community and I am so proud to be part of it.
I too have concerns about my neck. It does age me! Can you suggest any products to tighten the neck?
Sunscreen and moisturizer along with good posture is all I can suggest and do go a long way.
I had a necklift at 60 and love the results. I had never had surgery before and the first week of recovery was hard but things quickly improved. I was back at work at 7-10 days and attending meetings at two weeks. Now the only side effect is some tightness in my neck. You saw your mother’s recovery with a bigger procedure so you know the process. I have not used Botox, fillers, peels, etc. (just prescription retinol) so can’t compare those, but I knew years ago that I might have a necklift. So glad I did it.
I have had a neck lift in my thoughts for many years. I hope my result is a good as yours.
Such a thought provoking post! I have had the experience of being ignored in a restaurant, but without the juxtaposition of a younger customer being acknowledged immediately, I just chalked it up to poor service or a slammed waitstaff. I hadn’t considered the ageism angle until now. I am a retired physician, but throughout my career I have dealt with people in all stages of age and disability. I don’t think it is just salespeople that ignore the disabled. I think many people avoid interacting with the disabled because they are afraid of the medical gadgetry and/or saying the wrong thing. They may also perceive it as rude to acknowledge the disability or the presence of medical equipment such as oxygen, a wheelchair, etc., but in actual fact, these devices (like phones) are an everyday part of the affected person’s life, and there is no shame or rudeness in acknowledging that. I have learned that it is best to treat every person as you normally would, and if there is a need to address the presence of a medical device (where to put the wheelchair in the dressing room, how to manage the oxygen tank at the table), just address it head on. Simply ask “Do you need any help with that? What would you like me to do?” I guarantee most folks dealing with a disability have been in a similar situation before, and have it all figured out. As for plastic surgery, botox, fillers, etc. I think each woman should do what they are comfortable doing to feel their confident best. I probably have a skewed view, because I was more likely to hear about the adverse events surrounding these procedures, which gives me pause. I also cleave pretty closely to the principle “do no harm” in both medicine and life. For me personally, I have decided to embrace the French woman aesthetic that it is our imperfections that make us beautiful and unique. I am sticking to non-invasive, reversible measures for now. I went completely grey in my 30s, and still color my hair. I have been blessed with mostly smooth skin (my mother is 83, and has barely a wrinkle–I hope I inherited her genes!) and while I clearly show signs of aging, I have decided I don’t need to obsess over my “marionette lines”, thinning lips and crepey neck because the overall package is still pretty good. It was kind of you to compliment your seat mate and remind her of how attractive she is. I regret all the time I wasted lamenting my minor imperfections when I was young, instead of enjoying the glow of youth while I had it. Youth is certainly wasted on the young! Love your blog, Jennifer, and I hope all goes well with your procedure.
Thanks for your thoughtful explanation for lay people interacting with people who have a disability, Kami. Iām a child and adolescent psychiatrist so I have always felt comfortable acknowledging the families of children with Downās syndrome, cerebral palsy, or other difficulties. Iāve now had my own experience of being the patient in ICU, the ward and in rehab and the person with the disability. Iā m still the woman who loves colour and Iāve rediscovered my love of clothes.
Iāve sought out blogs like this for tips to update my wardrobe and reflect on how I plan to live my life now that Iām not working full time. Workaholic no more!
That’s very wise advice. I would not know how to offer to help, but now I do. Thanks Kami
This idea of older-woman invisibility is fascinating. I am still waiting for the retail world to wake up and realize that older women are the ones with the disposable income?
I am also waiting for the novel or movie plot in which the older woman gets away with committing some kind of crime due to her invisibility. I must confess I have toyed with the idea of committing some kind of juvenile delinquency just for the fun of it. After all, who would suspect a nice, well-mannered lady in her late fifties? *evil laughter*
At 71 I really get the invisibility factor. I was worried about that after cancer and I let my hair stay natural. The struggle is real! I would love to have every surgery available for my face but because I’ve had a heart attack unfortunately no doctor would touch me. But I think if you can and you want to you should go for it!
do the facelife. go to a top doc. it’s expensive but totally worth it.
I had fillers done last summer when I turned 60. It cost about $3K, I almost fainted with all the needles, it hurt, and it was weird to see and feel the lumps on my face for a day or two before they faded in (one of those things that I noticed but not even my husband did š). But it was 100% worth it and Iāll do it again in a year or two.
I’m so glad you found something that really makes you feel fabulous!