What are you afraid of?
The dark?
Cramped spaces?
Getting old?
Getting sick?
Falling down?
Spiders?
Mice?
Being the victim of a crime?
The list is endless. But are they really fears or worries?
To me real fear is more serious than the worries I’ve listed above, but those do all concern me.
My fear is deeper.
It’s a fear many deny having.
May not know they have.
It’s the fear of our “social face” slipping. Our ego. How we want the world to see us.
What if we’re embarrassed and found to be lacking?
Maybe it’s just me, but I doubt it.
I think most of us are afraid of being criticized for who we really are. I think most people areĀ beige-ing themselves downĀ so they don’t stand out. Don’t make waves.
Because if we don’t…we’re vulnerable. Vulnerable to criticism. Vulnerability is scary.
It’s really tough to put one’s true self out there.Ā InĀ this online world, when you have a public presence larger than friends and family, you’re even more vulnerable.
We may start expressing ourselves honestly. But as we brush against subtle criticisms and disapproval, we’re slowly conditioned to go with the flow. Not be original.
Now perhaps everyone doesn’t want to be original. They’re more comfortable just being one of the crowd.
I’m not, but I think I’ve been stripping the real me out of this blog. I’m worried I’ve been beige-ing myself downĀ because I’m afraid the real me, may offend or not measure up. (I say beige-ing is a word:)
WTF is that about Jennifer? At 59, that’s a pretty dumb thing to do. Life is too short to worry about what the “popular kids” think. Isn’t it?
So how about you? What are you afraid of?
Style Your Day Beautifully,
Maybe I’m reading this from a different (self-)perspective, but my reaction to beige-ing (which I LOVE) has to do with the immediacy and reactive nature of the Internet. Comments/observations can easily be yanked out of context and go viral. Doesn’t take much for an ironic joke to get a new life as an example of bigoted, etc., nastiness.
We seem to have lost the art of diplomacy, consideration of alternate views, and courtesy when interacting with each other — especially on line. It scares me, frankly, when I hear about our colleges and universities denying their students an opportunity to hear and perhaps understand positions outside of their own “box.”
I’ve read thoughtful, well-reasoned questions — often with concerns about how they’ll be taken by the readership — that are attacked virulently for a word or even the question framing the post.
As an editor, it’s my job to search out and fix bits of writing, dive my opinion about whether the work makes sense and is clearly stated. I may refuse to deal with it, if I’m so offended by the piece. That is my choice.
If I don’t want to read more of it, for whatever reason, so be it. It is not my job to be the world’s censor. As much as I’d dearly love to be able to read newspapers, blogs, etc., and think I’ve gotten a fair and balanced view of a subject, it’s been years since I believed that’s the case.
When someone writes a blog, it should be up to that person to decide what’s important, feel free enough to share, and not be kicked for every off-step someone doesn’t agree with.
Really – if I don’t like the content or approach, I walk away. I don’t demand that the blogger change her approach, apologize for an opinion, or otherwise tailor it to meet my standards. I have no ownership of the blogs I read, and try my best to give thoughtful replies when so moved. Offering corrections, like misspelling of a key word, can be useful. A tirade about it is tedious and disrespectful.
Brava for your courage to put yourself out there, knowing “there be dragons” on the other side of the line. And, yes, I’m not putting my full name here, because I’ve had to deal with a stalker of sorts in the past. Not worth the aggravation.
Please know that many people read without commenting because they don’t want to get caught up in the circus.
Beige-ing to me is watering down my message, trying not to offend the hypersensitive souls. It’s giving them more power than they have earned to influence what’s out there. It’s a serious problem to feel unsafe to be yourself in this type of environment.
Apologies if I let myself go overboard on an aspect you and your repliers didn’t intend. I may be exhibiting the same behavior I loathe.
Wonderful thoughtful post my dear! You have way to much to give ā¦ to be beiging yourself down! I actually believe ā¦ when we do that ā¦ our extra energy and authenticity ā¦ gets turned inward into a spiraling depression ā¦ at least it does for me!
The way I see it ā¦ life is far to short to be concerned about others opinions of us! Napolean Hill’s quote “Opinions are the cheapest commodity on earth , everybody has them”. For me ā¦ I battle my own critical voice ā¦ so the opinions of others aren’t my business ā¦ as long as I know I am living my life with integrity and doing the best I can ā¦ with what I have at the time.
I am excited to see where your new insight leads my dear! You are fabulous ā¦ with so much to offer! I look forward to seeing this new chapter you are writing!
xox
Tamera
I am most afraid of bad reviews, of slipping up at work, at the idea that people will think I am not good enough. You know how you can do 10 things right, but if you do one thing wrong, that’s all you can think about? For me, I am impatient, and sometimes this has caused problems, and when I can’t seem to improve, I fear that I never will. Sigh. Fear can sure be a crippling thing. xx Nancy
I’ve always felt pretty comfortable in my own skin, but lately, now that my children are grown and have children of their own, I’m realizing I don’t have as many friends as I’d like.
My biggest fear is being old alone.
Reading this has made me see that I have the opposite problem from most – I’m a bit too colorful!
From now on, I will try to be more beige.
Hi Jennifer, Great word! Our lives have been shaped by what other people think! I’m so sick of it, I know, I have feared what people will think of me, I think everyone has. Recently I was looking at my face in the mirror and noticed my eyelids were quite droopy! I felt panic, my goodness, it was a real shock! The good thing is, the droopiness has gone now, thank goodness, I was really tired at the time. But, yes, our ego does take over sometimes. Why we let it take over our feelings, I don’t know. Some of the most wonderful people I know, I just love because they’re beautiful people,not because of how they look. xxxx Much love, xx Coty
Oh where do I begin??? Lately I seem to stress about even the small stuff. When your hubby tells you “to chill” that isn’t a good thing! I wish I could just roll with things like he does. And he has a lot on his plate right now.
Lately I’m probably in the “fear of getting old” stage…we just went to dinner with good friends on Sat. and we are both in the midst of helping out our aging parents. (my in-laws, her mom) I think when you are seeing and dealing with it head on, and your friends are in the same boat, it makes you think…too much! I have an only child and do not want to burden her when I’m old. We talk about moving some years down the road to an area where we can walk to the store, etc. and hopefully live closer to my friends because I know being social is important as you age. Right now where we live we have to drive everywhere.
I like your comment about “beige-ing down”. I don’t need to around my close friends or family but I have to be careful when I’m around people that are acquaintances or that I don’t know all that well. Especially if I have consumed a glass of wine or two! š
Linda
“beige-ing” ĆØ curioso vedere come certi colori possano esprimere stati d’animo e paure; non avevo pensato a questo. Grazie per lo spunto di riflessione. Ciao a presto.
Jennifer,
Like many others, I love this new word of yours, beige-ing! I think I’ve just gone through a very beige period, to be honest. Fortunately I started digging around for the real me and unearthed her, which means I’m ready to show her off a bit more too.
However, I feel like there are so many different pieces to me; I love the city but I also feel at home out in the country, on the land. I love to lounge – rainy days and movie marathons are my favourite, but I also like to seek out adventure. I love nice restaurants but also camping and camp fires, I love tattoos but I also like to think I’m quite classy. What scares me is that if I show all of these pieces of myself at once (plus the more complex ones), then perhaps people won’t find something they can relate to, so I only let one or two parts show at a time, depending on who I happen to be with.
I want to feel confident showing all of myself rather than feeling the need to hide certain aspects away.
Gorgeous pic, I must add!
Esther xx
Brava for you! Yes, be who you really are. As Oscar Wilde so eloquently said… “be yourself… everyone else is taken”. And I don’t think you have anything at all to fear!
xxx, pamela
Don’t beige out! I fear life threatening disease but since I can’t do anything about it but live healthfully with a stronger emphasis on happiness.
Have been the same way, but like you through blogging I am finding my own voice and my own style. I have a long way to go to being fashionable. That’s another story.
Being popular is not something that we can “become”…or at least I don’t think so. We can change and try to fit in but in the end we are what we are. SOOO, even if, like me, you are not as sparkly as you would like to be, you can in fact be the best Jennifer there is around.
We want to know you! We do not want to know the person you think we want to know.
b+
Oh I love this, especially the beige-ing! I’m afraid of not having lived. Yuck, don’t go there. Seems like we’re on a similar wave-length. I’m 59 as well, and I feel like I’ve been holding back too. Hence my inner Jane Bond. New hashtag #nobeige. xx
Well, you’ve just given us a new word: BEIGE-ING! Simply splendid, Jennifer. This is a perfect word, very expressive and we all “get it.” One thing for certain, I am not beige, and neither are you! No one in our group is BEIGE!!! Tally ho !!!
Lordy knows you’re not gonna see me beige-ing down. Well, not yet anyhow. I can’t speak for what the future holds.
After getting back from NY and visiting all those amazing women, Sue Kreitzman who actually said, “Don’t wear beige! It can kill you!” is right. Be unique, be bold, be wild. Will you lay on your death bed and think, “I wish I’d fit in more.”
I decided a long time ago I’d rather be memorable than one of the crowd.
I am afraid of getting old and not being able to care for myself or have any personal dignity left.
That along with snakes and spiders. LOL
bisous
Suzanne
http://www.suzannecarillo.com
BEIGE `~ING………well as YOU LIVE in my BACKYARD ALMOST you know I have ZERO BEIGE about me!Love the word however……..aren’t YOU clever!
My fears are over on my BLOG as well.I do believe DISCONNECTING to be my worst FEAR……….what if I took a break from ALL this CHATTER.How would I STEP BACK IN?
My fears, hmm, I’m an anxious person and worry a bit about things, well perhaps a bit more than a bit, but there’s not a lot I actually really & truly fear. Anyway, was interested in that you feel you’ve been a bit beige in your blog! Wasn’t aware of that but if that’s the case I so look forward to more of the real Jennifer!! In the meantime, yes I feel we must be ourselves as much as we can – and never ever be beige! Great pic of you in the hat, btw!
What a brilliant observation Jennifer and a great take on our BIO subject this month. I do think that many of us tone ourselves down for our blogs because of the reasons you have statedā¦.. I’m sure that I have that fear and I’m 64 !!!! Perhaps we should be braver, let our fears go and open up a little. XXXX
Your words hit home for me. I have been stuffing my authentic voice down out of fear. Thank you for your honesty.
I agree. No beige here at all. I hope you and I can spend an evening out together, talking more. Next time I’ll have that glass of wine.
I had to really think hard at this because initially I fear nothing. Upon deeper thought, I fear the death of my father and how I will handle it. I also fear chronic pain…I can not imagine living with chronic pain. And my worse fear is not me dying alone, but one of my loved ones dying alone, in pain, suffering, without anyone…a bit morbid.
I love this Jennifer and the word beige-ing is brilliant. Definitely something to think about, but the real youā¦perfection!!
Much of my 20s and 30s were spent with people, husbands, boyfriends, etc who critisized who I really am and it IS something to fear. It was awful and I did not get to really be me until I was approaching 40. As a successful artist who took risks to get where I am, I say phooey to the popular kids. They are often popular because they don’t stand out. Failing to have the courage to be your real self is something I think we should be afraid of…oh,and mice.
Here’s to authenticity. Here! Here! And myriad bright colors to our liking.
This is so interesting and I have read some of the other responses Jennifer. For me I believe it is not touching enough lives and making a difference while I am here. Treasuring family and friends more and giving of myself; having any regrets in that area of life.
xoxo
Karena
The Arts by Karena
Wonderful Jennifer…I have found myself wrestling with the same issues…I have attached an article I received earlier today that deals with this very issue of inner criticism…what I call my inner critic and what Julia Cameron calls our inner censor…
http://spiritualityhealth.com/articles/how-become-stalker-your-own-mind
I am also currently reading “Taking the Leap” by Pema Chodron that deals with this same inner dialogue…obviously the universe is sending me a loud message.
Love, peace and joy
Peter
For someone who’s survived more than you can imagine… including breast cancer and a kidnapping, I’m afraid of dying by myself. BTW, as far as I know, I’m healthy and will be here for decades to come, but when my time comes, I want someone to be in the room with me. xoxox, Brenda
Hmmm. What am I afraid of? Waste…. not garbage. Not that kind of waste. Not wasted money either. I am afraid that I will have wasted time and not have achieved anything with my life. That’s partly because I did waste a lot of time when I was younger; I wasted a lot of my twenties doing things that I regret. Not getting on with more important things. Teaching was a wonderful job and I feel like I achieved what I wanted to do with that part of my life, even if I started late. And now that I’m retired I don’t want to waste this time. But I haven’t yet figured out what I want to achieve, either.
And I know what you mean about “beige-ing”… it’s one reason why I stopped attending one of my book clubs. Too beige. And I acted beige when I was there… and it took me a long time to figure that out. Now I attend a different book club. A not-beige one. Much more raucous, and not as polite, but the discussion is a lot more interesting.
The Jennifer I have been honored to know this past year is not beige….bring her on!!
To be honest, I’m not afraid of much. Well, spiders, and being eaten by a bear in the wild, bad stuff happening to me. Those are my only fears. AT this point in life I have no fear of being me. In fact, I can’t be anything BUT me!