Downtime and Getting Your Priorities Straight
Last summer I wrote about unplugging and down-time after an interesting, weekend experiment. It was inspired by Arianna Huffington’s book Thrive , which I bought after her talk at BlogHer.
I’m revisiting the concept, the theory and the practice this week.
Monday I flew up to spend, much-needed, time with my daughter. I haven’t seen her in months. How did so much time fly past?
Thursday, while she’s working, I’m hopping a seaplane to squeeze in a quick visit with my brothers.
Yesterday’s travel was a total cluster.
Up at 4:15, too little sleep, I raced to the airport.
Flew to LAX where I cooled my heels for 2 hours, while they located a flight attendant.
Jumped a train to the city, and fell asleep. Missed my stop and had to backtrack.
Although I’d tanked up on caffeine during the flight, it clearly wasn’t enough. I exited the train and realized it wasn’t a Starbucks sort of day. I headed for a glass of wine, while I waited for my daughter to get off work.
I realize I’m racing, flying, jumping and hopping. Too busy, too fast!
This morning I had 89 new emails.
Enough…in fact, too much.
This doesn’t mean I don’t love you. It just means I love me more and I’m taking a breather to rebalance.
I need to get back in touch with what my body and spirit needs. I need more slow living and downtime to chill.
In full disclosure I will admit, I passed a hat store, on the way to the wine. This hat wanted to come along with me, and I didn’t feel I could let it down.
Relax, recharge, breathe deep and I’ll see you…
Thanks for reading and gave a great day!
Dear Jennifer, I totally get it. I have been having the same experience and slowing down is the perfect thing to do for yourself. You provide a great model! However, I’m very pleased that you stopped to purchase a hat and share it, along with your beautiful self, on Hat Attack. Thank you!
Good morning Jen,
As you know, I was traveling (and taking some unplugged time) at the same time you were so I’m just catching up. Taking time to decompress, refocus, get back in touch with our bodies and our souls is essential. I find I do this best while traveling and need to book a couple of getaways a year to destress from my very stressful career. Excellent post my like minded friend. Love the hat on you!
Holidays are one of my best decompress times. And of course you take stunning ones!! I hope things are calmng down a bit at work. You do have such a stressful job!!
Happy weekend my friend!
Enjoy the hiatus.
Enjoy your time away! Especially your time with your daughter. You look marvelous in that hat!
Thanks Elizabeth!! I do love hats and have passed the “addiction” onto my daughter. It was so wonderful to see her!!
Wonderful for you! You already look more relaxed. Thanks for sharing with Visible Monday, xo.
I think the total change of pace has been amazing!! Back at it now xoxo
Downtime? Not in my realm. Self-care is the most exciting time of my life, gives energy to drive my beloved career, fill the spiritual well, live life fully each day, give in zero expectation of returns to chosen charities.
Downtime? I don’t know it. Don’t want to.
At home, with the moat of grace my garden provides, perhaps sitting in the Conservatory with a book or working on a new book, are the most wildly energized times of life.
Name it to claim it. Never, the most potent infusion of energy, creativity, being at one with, and abiding, would I name it ‘downtime’.
How did I get here? Of course there was the obligatory life jolt, no signposts in the sea to sanity.
Martha Beck, columns in Oprah were a huge help. Just sent this one to a friend at her ‘layer’ of life. Have been there and know it will arrive again, with a different teacher !
GROWING WINGS: THE POWER OF CHANGE
January 1, 2003 in Spirituality & Healing 25 Comments
I used to think I knew how some caterpillars become butterflies. I assumed they weave cocoons, then sit inside growing six long legs, four wings, and so on. I figured if I were to cut open a cocoon, I’d find a butterfly-ish caterpillar, or a caterpillar-ish butterfly, depending on how far things had progressed. I was wrong. In fact, the first thing caterpillars do in their cocoons is shed their skin, leaving a soft, rubbery chrysalis. If you were to look inside the cocoon early on, you’d find nothing but a puddle of glop. But in that glop are certain cells, called imago cells, that contain the DNA-coded instructions for turning bug soup into a delicate, winged creature—the angel of the dead caterpillar.
If you’ve ever been through a major life transition, this may sound familiar. Humans do it, too—not physically but psychologically. All of us will experience metamorphosis several times during our lives, exchanging one identity for another. You’ve probably already changed from baby to child to adolescent to adult—these are obvious, well-recognized stages in the life cycle. But even after you’re all grown up, your identity isn’t fixed. You may change marital status, become a parent, switch careers, get sick, win the lottery.
Any transition serious enough to alter your definition of self will require not just small adjustments in your way of living and thinking but a full-on metamorphosis. I don’t know if this is emotionally stressful for caterpillars, but for humans it can be hell on wheels. The best way to minimize trauma is to understand the process.
THE PHASES OF HUMAN METAMORPHOSIS
Psychological metamorphosis has four phases. You’ll go through these phases, more or less in order, after any major change catalyst (falling in love or breaking up, getting or losing a job, having children or emptying the nest, etc.). The strategies for dealing with change depend on the phase you’re experiencing.
PHASE 1: DISSOLVING (AKA DEATH & REBIRTH)
Here’s the Deal
The first phase of change is the scariest, especially because we aren’t taught to expect it. It’s the time when we lose our identity and are left temporarily formless: person soup. Most people fight like crazy to keep their identities from dissolving. “This is just a blip,” we tell ourselves when circumstances rock our world. “I’m the same person, and my life will go back to being the way it was.”
Sometimes this is true. But in other cases, when real metamorphosis has begun, we run into a welter of “dissolving” experiences. We may feel that everything is falling apart, that we’re losing everyone and everything. Dissolving feels like death, because it is—it’s the demise of the person you’ve been.
What to Do
When we’re dissolving we may get hysterical, fight our feelings, try to recapture our former lives, or jump immediately toward some new status quo (“rebound romance” is a classic example). All these measures actually slow down Phase One and make it more painful. The following strategies work better:
In Phase 1, Live One Day (or 10 minutes) at a Time
Instead of dwelling on hopes and fears about an unknowable future, focus your attention on whatever is happening right now.
“Cocoon” by Caring For Yourself in Physical, Immediate Ways
Wrap yourself in a blanket, make yourself a cup of hot tea, attend an exercise class, whatever feels comforting.
Talk to Others Who Have Gone Through a Metamorphosis
If you don’t have a wise relative or friend, a therapist can be a source of reassurance.
Let Yourself Grieve
Even if you are leaving an unpleasant situation (a bad marriage, a job you didn’t like), you’ll probably go through the normal human response to any loss: the emotional roller coaster called the grieving process. You’ll cycle through denial, anger, sadness, and acceptance many times. Just experiencing these feelings will help them pass more quickly.
If you think this sounds frustratingly passive, you’re right. Dissolving isn’t something you do; it’s something that happens to you. The closest you’ll come to controlling it is relaxing and trusting the process.
Phase I Mantra
“I don’t know what the hell is going on… and that’s okay.”
PHASE 2: IMAGINING (AKA DREAMING AND SCHEMING)
Here’s the Deal
For those of us who have just a few tiny control issues, Phase 2 is as welcome as rain after drought. This is when the part of you that knows your destiny, the imago in your psyche, will begin giving you instructions about how to reorganize the remnants of your old identity into something altogether different.
The word imago is the root of the word image. You’ll know you’re beginning Phase 2 when your mind’s eye starts seeing images of the life you are about to create. These can’t be forced—like dissolving, they happen to you—and they are never what you expected. You’re becoming a new person, and you’ll develop traits and interests your old self didn’t have. You may feel compelled to change your hairstyle or wardrobe, or redecorate your living space. The old order simply seems wrong, and you’ll begin reordering your outer situation to reflect your inner rebirth.
What to Do
Here are some ways you may want to respond when you begin spontaneously imagining the future:
Create a “Vision Board”
Cut Out Magazine Pictures You Find Appealing or Interesting. Glue them onto a piece of butcher paper. The resulting collage will be an illustration of the life you’re trying to create. Look at the images and “feel them” or imagine yourself experiencing them for up to 10 minutes everyday.
Let Yourself Daydream
Your job is to try out imaginary scenarios until you have a clear picture of your goals and desires. You’ll save a lot of time, effort, and grief by giving yourself time to do this in your head before you attempt it in the real world.
Phase 2 is all about images: making them up, making them clear, making them possible. Moving through this stage, you’ll start to feel an impulse to go from dreaming (imagining possibilities) to scheming (planning to bring your vision to fruition). Write down both dreams and schemes, then gather information about how you might create them.
Phase 2 Mantra
“There are no rules… and that’s okay.”
PHASE 3: RE-FORMING (AKA THE HERO’S SAGA)
Here’s the Deal
As your dreams become schemes, you’ll begin itching to make them come true. This signals Phase 3, the implementation stage of the change process. Phase 3is when you stop fantasizing about selling your art and start submitting work to galleries, or go beyond ogling a friend’s brother to having her set you up on a date. You’ll feel motivated to do real, physical things to build a new life. And then…(drum roll, please)…you’ll fail. Repeatedly.
I’ve gone through Phase 3many times and watched hundreds of clients do the same. I’ve never seen a significant scheme succeed on the first try. Re-forming your life, like anything new, complex, and important, inevitably brings up problems you didn’t expect. That’s why, in contrast to the starry eyes that are so useful in Phase 2, Phase 3 demands the ingenuity of Thomas Edison and the tenacity of a pit bull.
What to Do
Expect Things To Go Wrong
Many of my clients have an early failure and consider this a sign that “it just wasn’t meant to be.” This is a useful philosophy if you want to spend your life as person soup. To become all that you can be, you must keep working toward your dreams even when your initial efforts are unsuccessful.
Be Willing to Start Over
Every time your plans fail, you’ll briefly return to Phase 1, feeling lost and confused. This is an opportunity to release some of the illusions that created hitches in your plan.
Revisit Phase 2
Adjusting your dreams and schemes to include the truths you’ve learned from your experimentation.
Keep debugging and reimplementing your new-and-improved plans until they work. If you’ve followed all the steps above, they eventually will.
What goes on in the cocoon of change isn’t always pretty, but the results can be beautiful. Martha Beck talks you through the four phases of human metamorphosis. Get ready to fly!
Phase 3 Mantra
“This is much worse than I expected… and that’s okay.”
PHASE 4: FULL FLIGHT (AKA THE PROMISED LAND)
Here’s the Deal
Phase 3 is like crawling out of your cocoon and waiting for your crumpled, soggy wings to dry and expand. Phase 4 is the payoff, the time when your new identity is fully formed and able to fly.
What to Do
The following strategies—which can help you optimize this delightful situation—are about fine-tuning, not drastic transformation.
You’ve just negotiated a scary and dramatic transformation, and you deserve to savor your new identity. Spend time every day focusing on gratitude for your success.
Make Small Improvements
Find little ways to make your new life a bit less stressful, a bit more pleasurable.
Know That Another Change is Just Around the Bend
There’s no way to predict how long you’ll stay in Phase 4; maybe days, maybe decades. Don’t attribute your happiness to your new identity; security lies in knowing how to deal with metamorphosis, whenever it occurs.
Phase 4 Mantra
“Everything is changing… and that’s okay.”
This is a foundational concept to my life coach training program. All of my life coaches are trained to understand and coach their clients through the change cycle. You can read more about it in my book, Finding Your Own North Star, or understand it and work through it with one of my Martha Beck Life Coaches.
Thanks for sharing this with us Tara! I’ve read Martha’s work. She’s wise and insightful!!
I hope you are enjoying your downtime and catching up with family.Purchasing a new hat is always a joy I find and this one suits you so well.
Thank you Jill! My visit has been amazing and I love my new hat(s)!!!
I thought about you today, across the water from me. I decided to go wander around Granville Island, it was a beautiful afternoon, and I sent good wishes your way that you would enjoy your time with family on the island. I hope you get the rest you deserve, and stay focused on those moments with daughter, brothers, etc. xx Nancy
It was so wonderful to meet you in person and make a new friend. Thank you for a wonderful lunch. It felt like we could have kept talking for hours!!!
See you again soon I hope.
Never ceases to amaze me how we can find ourselves overcharged etc. even though we have enough years and experience to watch out for this! Think it means we live interesting lives but a recharge is important. Have some fun relaxing.
Good for you! I debated trying harder to connect with you in Vanc’r (must have your email address in my files somewhere!), but realized that we were both UN-busy doing the stuff that really matters. Loved the (Instagram) photo of you and your daughter — two beauties whose hearts show in your faces)
Exactly right Frances. You were having amazing grandmother times and I was just enjoying my girl. Those are the important priorities in life! I’ll have much more notice before my next trip up, and make a pointto arrange a visit if we can!!
Jennifer I’m so glad to hear you’re taking the time to get away and see those you love. Don’t let those 80 plus emails distract you. Remember those years before we all had phones constantly in our hands? I do. And there’s peacefulness that comes when we take a break from it all. Enjoy your visits my friend! Your readers will be here when you return.
It is amazing to remember life before cell phones. Was it really that much more peaceful? I can’t remember because I had little ones then, and that was pretty high stress, a lot of the time.
It’s been a fabulous break. Much needed and much enjoyed!
YOU DO NEED DOWN TIME!
The photo of YOU with your new adorable HAT is SIDEWAYS!!!!!!!!!!
Enjoy the daughter……….
Enjoy your get away!
Oh no! It seems to be sideways in some browsers and straight in others. I didn’t bring my computer, so can’t do anything about correcting it now!!
It’s been so wonderful to spend time with my girl!!!
Brava…will take in this inspiration…merci…
Have fun…relax…enjoy yourself. A glass of wine and a new hat show me that you’re well on your way.
It’s been amazing Suzanne. Now it’s time to plug back in and catch up.
Good for you. And you’re rocking that hat!
Down time is NOT over rated! We all need time to recharge, re-boot, re-everything! As I get older I realize down time is something I look forward to EVERYDAY!
Me too Mileah! Social media and always connecting just isn’t good for my mental health. I need it everyday, but sometimes for extended times. Like last week.
If you don’t take care of yourself, you can’t give ANYTHING to anybody else… And one must always honor the requests of hats which wish to travel along with us!
I like how you think about hats Janice!! So very true. If my tanks run dry, I’m no good to anyone, least of all myself!
Jennifer, your time off is well deserved!! I want that hat by the way and woke up this morning, you guessed it at 4:30!
I hope you will come and join this amazing giveaway before you totally unplug!
The Arts by Karena
Giveaway from The Enchanted Home!
It’s from Goorin Brothers, who have hat shops all over the place. They also have it it white…which is calling me. What is it about 4:30 am??
Yay for unplugging! And new hats! And visits with our children!
I must admit this was not my only hat purchase of the week! Shhhh