Monday Musings: Thoughts on Invisibilty As Women Age
I had a unique experience this weekend that got me thinking about invisibility as women age. Did you know there’s an actual term called invisible woman syndrome? This social phenomenon is not reserved for women but does seem more prevalent for us, especially after 50.
Some forms of invisibility simply feel like a lack of respect. That happened to me this weekend on a crowded walkway. A group of people walking four abreast toward me did not seem to see me. I was walking along the edge of the sidewalk and couldn’t move over any further without having to step into the bike path…not a safe thing to do in the city. I stopped in my tracks and waited. They would have had to plow me down to continue, which seriously pissed me off. They looked up and skirted back to their side to let me pass. Rude? Possibly, but they seemed genuinely surprised to look up and find me there.
Being bumped into is just one form of invisibility. We can also simply find ourselves feeling ignored and irrelevant. Not all cultures prize youth over experience, but ours certainly does.
The truth is, there’s an invisibility that comes with aging, but it should always be our choice. You may not want to be in the spotlight, but you don’t have to feel invisible unless you want to.
Fashion is a powerful form of self-expression, but for older women, it can also play a role in combating invisibility. In a society that often overlooks us, the fashion we choose to wear can make a strong statement. We get to choose the message our clothes send.
It won’t surprise you to hear that some women simply get dressed without giving it much thought. Others assume that if a garment is new, it’s in style, and that’s all they’re concerned with. Some women don’t give much thought to the message their appearance sends because they’re happy to blend in and enjoy the freedom they get from flying under the radar. Other women carefully craft their appearance to stand out and use it as an art form. You can see them from a mile away, and they love that. How we choose to dress is as varied as our eye color and extremely personal.
The color, shape, and volume of our clothes all affect how much our outfits and we stand out. The same is true for accessories, which can do a lot of the heavy lifting to make our look distinctive.
I’ll have more on this topic later, but I’d love to hear your thoughts.
Do you craft your outfits to feel seen and feel vital? Do you prefer the freedom of not being noticed so you can wear what you damn well, please? I’d love to hear your thoughts.
Save or Splurge
Our save or splurge outfit this week features a soft, feminine blouse and spring-like accessories in soft colors. Kick flare jeans are everywhere this spring and are a great option for ladies who want a shorter inseam.
Spring is a great time to swap out your solid leather bag for woven leather, straw canvas, or wicker.
The save outfit comes in around $150, and the splurge is closer to $4,368. Can you tell the difference? Which do you prefer?
Thanks for reading, and be sure to wear what makes you feel confident.
This was a great post and wonderful comments. My mother always wore bright colors and everything matched into her 90 s , she loved red so she was noticed. I don’t, I tend to live with black, white and pinks and are not as self confident as she was. I do appreciate your fashion sense and order most things from Nordstrom because there clothes are always made well.
I tried to embrace red, but haven’t gotten there yet
As I was reading your column, I immediately thought, “inconsiderate” and “self- centered”, and I see many others agree! Whether walking 3 or 4 abreast, or singly, people can be oblivious, and into their own world. This is a common experience in NYC near me, but I’ve never felt “invisible” (am in early 70’s) …just chalked it up to the inconsideration of others! And you should too! If I was about to walk into you, I’m sure I’d notice you and give you a compliment! But your “Invisibility” topic is an interesting one! As for fashion, I’ve always been comfortable wearing red and other bright colors and chunky jewelry. Perhaps at an event occasionally felt like I should just blend in. Most days now I dress for physical comfort if I’m just doing errands, and don’t put much thought into it. When I do go “out” I try to look current with coordinated outfits, but I’m not that good at styling casual clothes- that’s why I subscribed to your blog!! Am enjoying your outfits, tips, DR Diaries, and Save or Splurge! You are inspiring!
Comfort is key for me these days too.
Catching up on posts and wanted to comment. I didn’t really notice invisibility until I hit 70. I know what I see in the mirror, but all of a sudden I feel like a crossed a threshold in aging where people (mostly younger women) ask me if I can make it up the stairs, or they caution me about going down steps, and it just makes me think, do I look that old? I don’t have gray hair and I don’t hobble around, so I don’t know what happened, but oh well! My attitude is, it is what it is! I take pride in my appearance, I dress for the day in nice clothes, and 6 days out of 7 I do a full make-up, even if I’m not going out. It makes me happy. I’ve always loved make-up and dressing “up.” I love bright colors and classic dressing with modern touches. The bright colors I wear are not to stand out, but just what I like. This was an interesting topic, and it’s good to hear that others feel invisible. We just have to NOT feel invisible to ourselves.
I think it’s so important to take pride in our appearance.
A recent experience for me…Grocery Store Invisibility. My local grocery store (H.E.B.) is wildly popular and always crowded, especially on weekends. I was rounding the end of the aisle, and there was an older woman (older than me, and I’m 60) who was trying to reach something on the top shelf. Grocery shoppers – specifically a younger woman pushing a cart – came up behind her and then tried to squeeze between the lady and myself! (The aisles are narrow, just enough room for two-way driving if everyone stays on their own side of the road.) I said “Hey! Drive on the right and please wait your turn or you’re going to injure one of us!” The man who was with her tore into me saying “You could just get out of the way” and they shoved right through, bumping the other woman’s and my carts. Thankfully nobody was hurt.
I was APALLED at his behavior and so rattled by the encounter! I wish I’d notified the manager immediately, but I doubt anything could or would have been done.
That’s simply awful! I’m sorry.
Jennifer, I have wondered my entire life if I am invisible. Am I telegraphing to others that I am unimportant? I am 5’4″ and a size 4 to 6. I have never been model thin nor overweight. I have always dressed stylishly and favor bright colors. I think my looks are pretty average, but I have always tried to have my hair and makeup done nicely when I am out and about. I cannot tell you how many times I have been totally ignored in stores and restaurants. I have “joked” with my family about being an invisible woman, but it is not a recent phenomenon. I am 69 and I can’t say it happens more frequently now that I am “older”. It happened to me when I was a slim, pretty 20 something.
I have questioned if it is my posture, my short stature, something about my introverted personality that I am projecting to the world, or if it’s just that people , including sales help, are just so self-absorbed that they don’t pay attention to other humans. I do suspect that there is something my body language is saying, but I have never figured out exactly what it is.
On a similar tangent, way back when I was 30 years old, my husband and I bought our first house. At the time, we had a 5 year old daughter. During the moving process, I took my daughter out to a sit-down restaurant for lunch. I was wearing jeans and an old t shirt. I was not unkempt or dirty, but I had no makeup on, my hair was in a ponytail, and I certainly was not wearing stylish clothes. I was in the middle of moving boxes from our apartment into our new house! The hostess at the restaurant seated me and my daughter at the worst table in the house. We were put in a back corner just outside the kitchen door. We passed by several empty tables on the way to the table in the “wasteland”. A server took our order in a reasonable amount of time. When my daughter and I finished our sandwiches she asked if she and I could share a slice of fudge cake for dessert. This particular restaurant was famous for their fudge cake. I told my daughter yes. We waited for at least 15 minutes for the server to come back and check on us. She never did. In fact, she’d never checked on us a single time during the course of our meal, not even to deliver the bill. I told my daughter we’d have to go somewhere else for dessert. I paid our tab at the front register and did not leave a tip. I always assumed that my daughter and I got ignored that day because I was not dressed up. Maybe the server assumed that I was too poor to afford dessert; maybe she assumed I was a single mom and too poor to leave a decent tip, so she would not “waste her time” on us. I have always felt that my appearance, though clean and not shabby, had a lot to do with being treated badly that day.
Our appearance does effect the way people treat us. She could also have been a bad or new waitress who was doing a bad job.
Your experience is what my sister was telling me just the other day. She was walking on the footpath and a young lady was walking towards her busy looking at her phone, my sister just kept walking and the girl almost walked right into her. I think part of it is people are so caught up in their own little world and have no idea of what is going on around them, not that I am excusing the behaviour. In regards to invisibility as we age I agree with it.
Jennifer,
I experience invisibility when I go to the make up counter in larger department stores. I stand there at the counter, no one acknowledges that I’m there. I took my sister in law with me and we were both ignored. I wrote a letter to the store manager and told them not to forget the ladies of a certain age.
We ladies used to be young and beautiful , now we are just beautiful!
Bravo for speaking up!
Well this is an interesting conversation and really made me stop and think a minute. As a woman in her sixties I can honestly say I’ve never felt invisible. I was trying to figure out why and the only thing I could come up with is because I don’t need attention from others to validate my worth. My confidence comes from within and is not based on what I wear or what others may think of what I wear. I dress for comfort and to please myself. It’s actually refreshing to be able to do this after a lengthy career in the corporate world where heels and business suits were expected to project an image. Yes this a youth oriented society but I think in a way some of us over 50 are actually acting as enabler’s of this. We spend a countless amount of time and money trying to cover our grey hair, making our thinning hair thicker, erasing wrinkles, covering age spots, lifting sagging necklines and filtering photos. Why do we do this? To look more youthful. To me it’s sad to see this much focus on appearance as a reflection of someone’s worth.
I am familiar with the invisibility concept but at 66 it’s not a concern to me. I always wonder invisible to whom? The only real change I have experienced is the absence of sexual attention from male strangers on the street and that is a bonus. I love style (my three descriptors are “luxe sophisticated boho”) but most of the adult women I see in daily life do not appear to have made much of an effort. (I’m not judging, just observing. Everyone has their own interests.) Perhaps their presentation contributes to the feeling of invisibility? At 20 I could roll out of bed and look good but now a little more work is required. Anyway, I generally find people to be kind and generous with their help if needed.
I love your descriptors! I’d really enjoying hearing how you style looks for that combo.
Oh, thanks. The “luxe” refers to fabrication – nicely sewn items of mostly natural fabrics (cotton, silk, linen and a small amount of rayon when unavoidable) and sterling or platinum jewelry with precious and semi-precious stones. The “sophisticated” means avoiding some of the boho excesses (fringe, wild print combinations, lots of bare skin, etc.) and using foundational basics in solid colors, mostly neutrals (Eileen Fisher-ish). The “boho” is usually the statement piece – a maxi dress or skirt, embroidered peasant blouse, a kimono topper – but can also be accessories such as an armful of sterling bangles, layered turquoise necklaces, a tooled leather bag or a pair of moccasins. I have a lot of fun with style.
Amazing, Terry. Your style sounds joyous and fun. Thanks for sharing
When I was young, I did not like getting the public attention I got, so for a while in my 50’s, it seemed a relief to be less visible. Now in my 70’s I am aware in certain situations (like going to a doctor) to sort of power up my appearance. I do that by overdressing a bit, wearing a vibrant color or a comment worthy accessory. Not all of those at the same time!
I am so infuriated on your behalf at that public disregard. So rude.
The topic of wanting to be invisible made me laugh. I am struggling to find a nice outfit for my granddaughters high school graduation. I told my husband that I want to look nice but not as if I tried too hard ! I am comfortable with my age, a few added lbs and the person I am. However, if what happened to you while walking, happened to me I would be pissed ! Not sure how I would have handled it. You are a beautiful woman. I can’t imagine you are invisible. I think a lot of people have become rude.
I’ve felt invisible many times. I’m enjoying reading everyone’s take on this topic.
I experienced invisibility a few years ago while shopping for a new vehicle. At the time I had been working nights and weekends remotely for several years and as such was new car shopping mid day and “ dressed down” …. I knew what I wanted – I was prepared to test drive but sadly I was not acknowledged so free browsing I left and made my purchase somewhere else.
Good for you. Sales people make assumptions that they shouldn’t.
Most people walking along have their noses stuck in their phones, so everyone is invisible. When I’m in my wheelchair, it’s worse. Not being at eye level, I surprise them when they notice me aiming for their toes. I have actually run into more than one oblivious pedestrian, and not usually on purpose. My answer to their “Oh, sorry” is always “It’s a very good idea to watch where you’re going.”
Good for you Kay. “not usually” speaks volumes 🙂
I agree with lots of comments from other ladies, ie dress for yourself, where what makes you comfortable etc . I am now 70 and life teaches us many things , I am happy wearing coordinated
items , even when at home , I am not a fan of a mishmash of colours but that’s my choice .If
a lady wears a rainbow of colours that’s her choice and I respect that.
My son had to take me on a quick unexpected errand , and he came a bit early I hadn’t finished putting my look together . He said hurry up Mum , just a minute I need to put this and that on. He said nobody cares Mum what you got on they are more interested in what they have on. I did laugh because I suppose it’s true.
When you said you went to the symphony I assume it was a classical concert, what was on the
Program. My love of Opera and Classical Music has been my one saviour since I was about 6, yes a very young child. My Grandfather had an old gramophone and I remember lots of old 78rpm records of Enrico Caruso and I adored listening to them .My father died from Leukaemia when I was 14 and Classical music was my saviour in raw grief. Apart from Grampa No One in my family likes it, my very
grown up children tease me that I traumatised them playing Beethoven or Rachmaninov etc. whilst growing up. My husband liked a bit of piano music but he said I traumatised him as well lol🤣
.For me it is a passion. The power of music is good for the soul .I have listed my favourite pieces to be
played at my funeral , they will cry and I think it will be tears of oh Mum not that piece again instead of
tears of my passing. Lol. They have no idea what I have in store for them at the Crematorium lol.
But hey that’s a long tome way off .
Regards Pamela Wales UK ,
Pamela Wales UK
We heard Beethovin, and it was fabulous. We listen to classical music most of the time at home because I find it soothing. I am also reminded that my Dad always had it playing in our home when I was growing up.
Hello Jennifer: I am sorry for the thoughtless behavior of the people on the sidewalk. I guess the best lesson to draw from it is the need to be careful to acknowledge others and carefully navigate public spaces. If we all go a little slower when in airports, cafes, stores etc, maybe we can make sure everyone is acknowledged. I dress for me. If others like it, that’s great. But I like it, and that’s the important part.
Wow, what an exciting topic! My mother would always complain about it. What upset her the most was that when she had us take her to an appointment, they would address us and not her, and she was standing right there. My mother lived independently, drove, and took classes until she was 95. I understand what she is talking about, but I don’t experience it to such a degree because I am almost 6′ tall. I am the one who is stopped and asked questions or for help even though I don’t work for an establishment. My daughter commented on being invisible as you get older: if you robbed a bank, no one could describe you. They only knew that you were old. They took no notice of you because you were invisible to them.
Nice outfits, but I seem to want the expensive one.
Wow, I would be so frustrated to be treated like your mother!! Your daughter is funny
As a 76 year old stylish ( I think) woman and living in a community with lots of retired people I think how you look has a lot to do with how you are sometimes treated. Also posture, a strong voice, tone of voice and the words you use are important. And a smile never hurts if it is appropriate. I hear complaints about this often and can usually spot several of the above things in the person who is complaining. A little self-assessment and self-awareness might help. BTW I don’t think you need to be a fashion plate to be treated with courtesy and self respect. If in spite of all things, if you don’t get treated correctly, it can be perfectly ok to call this to the attention to the offending person or their supervisor and possibly ask for an apology.
I agree
Thank you for sharing your experience Jennifer and ladies. I have been in the same situation where someone walks approaching me and sees my rollator and still hurries to get into the door ahead of me at a restaurant and lets to door close in my face. This is a small middle class western town and you would think people would have better manners.
The advent of the cellphone, 24-hour connectivity, and social media has helped make many of us more invisible. Case in point: I used to strike up conversations with those around me in the waiting room at the airport. Look around you now and everyone is in the own little sphere swiping away on a phone. They have little interest as to whom is sitting across from them or next to them – nor do they even notice. Walk down any busy street and people are so “into” their phones that they don’t notice who or what is around them. And some of them get hit by cars in cross-walks! Is this not symptomatic of a “connected but disconnected” society in which we’re living – and how we’re getting along with others – less and less? Just ranting a little, here, Jennifer. Love your blog and fashion/lifestyle advice. A good thing!
You are m ore than welcome to rant. I agree. Everyone has their nose buried in their phone.
Funny, I had a similar in experience in Vancouver when we were there a couple of weeks ago! It was a group of 4 ” young people” all chattering away and I had to exclaim EXCUSE ME! to avoid being herded into the street. Funny, though, it never occurred to me that it had anything to do with my age ( 69), just their preoccupation with each other. I was dressed in jeans, sneakers and a puffer coat, just like them…🤷♀️
Interesting thought about invisibility. I wonder how many of us women over 50 find the younger women invisible. I look out for women over 50, offering a smile or hello if our eyes meet, paying attention to their manner of dress and style, waiting to send a compliment their way. These women are far more interesting and delightful to chat with. The younger women seem stressed out, too busy trying to keep up with life’s challenges. I’m on my last part of life’s journey and I’m making the most of it.
I feel inviable and am 65 years old. I have really noticed it in the last few years. I put a lot of thought in what to wear and never leave the house even for a walk without makeup, and hair done. But yes I feel invisible, even to my husband. I am not the best looking woman, but I try and work out and walk every day. I am to the point that I am not even sure how to wear my hair, to cut it or what. What makeup, moisturizers ect.. I read everything I can get my hands on, but no one seems to see me anymore, so I am not sure what to do.
Don’t let it pull you down. Wear what makes you happy because that’s what matters.
Great article. I’m 73, have been told I don’t look my age, but I do take the time with makeup, skin care, flattering hair color and cut, and comfortable, but fashionable clothes. It’s not a big effort, but the results are worth it. There are times that being invisible isn’t so awful, great time to observe and enjoy people watching. Also, when I least expected it, I met a great guy who always sees me…Youth is celebrated, but I don’t regret my age, lots of experience to draw from. I love your symphony outfit…..
Invisibility is alive and well. I dress well, wear makeup 90% of the time, hair is fixed nicely every day. I’m in my 60s, and as a result of my experience below, have closed my Ulta account and marked any emails from them as spam. This is long, but shows the history of my experience, my contact with Ulta Corporate, and NOTHING from the local store. “RE: 10/07/22, 11:00AM visit to Ulta Store, Woodlands Square Shopping Center, 3142 Tampa Road, Oldsmar FL 34676 I entered the store around 11AM intending to ask questions and purchase a whole new line of skincare products. I stopped immediately inside the door to look at a The Ordinary display, saw two sales associates just up the aisle, and continued forward towards them. Both were chatting with each other, a young White male associate and an older Black female, who certainly did not look like an employee, based upon her clothing. Not once did either one acknowledge me, nor offer assistance. I then browsed the store, and stopped at another couple of skincare displays, the last being the Bare Minerals display almost adjacent to the same two sales associates, who were still chatting. They greeted and acknowledged a much younger shopper, and the White male associate walked by me, took the customer to the store area they needed, walked past me again, and promptly returned to the same position at the end of the next aisle to chat with the Black female associate. However, still no greeting or offer of assistance for me. As per usual, I was well-dressed, hair and make up done, jewelry on, and obvious just by appearance that I have money to spend. I’m in my 60s and feel like I was completely and purposely ignored solely because of my age. The ironic and sad thing is, the Black female associate is probably older than I am. Not once did any of the Ulta associates acknowledge my presence as I browsed the store, front to back. Very disappointing and an eye-opener that Ulta doesn’t care about their older clientele, who are exactly the demographic with the most disposable income
10/07/22 Ulta Corporate partial response: “We know your experience felt unfair, and we will be absolutely passing this feedback to the Store Operations team and asking that they reach out to you directly in order to further address your visit.“
12/08/23 my follow-up to Ulta Corporate: “Well, it’s been two months since your email, and I have received absolutely no response from the actual store. No email, no phone call, nothing. I have discussed my shocking Ulta experience with several friends, and they are also taking their business elsewhere. It is obvious that the Oldsmar Ulta store does not want any business from women older than 55. What a shame to purposely exclude and ignore an entire demographic.”
Unfortunately, it isn’t the first time I’ve felt invisible, but it seems to happen more since I passed 55 or 60. But, with age, comes confidence, assurance, and self-value. And I have no qualms about addressing it, if warranted.
Wow, that is so unacceptable! We do speak with our dollars so I would have done the exact same things as you. In fact, I would have written to the distric manager about the manager and probably kept annoying them.
I got so involved in thinking about invisibility, I forgot to comment on your lush, gorgeous, velvet jacket. You ought to get a lot of wear from it! I can see it looking so terrific with jeans or a dress too. I did check it out and unfortunately, the price is out of my budget. You can be assured, you look elegantly turned out for the symphony.
Thank you!
I love to dress where I feel all put together. I plan my outfits. Lately I have really felt invisible because I had shoulder surgery and had a sling for six weeks. I had to wear button up shirts and pull on pants and I didn’t realize how much I would hate it!! The worst thing is I got rid of the sling but I still can’t do my hair. My friends say to sit back and enjoy not to have to worry about getting ready. That is so not me. I really got depressed. I have never felt invisible!
I’m sorry! Add some bright red lipstick until you can spruce up more.
I had tennis elbow surgery many years ago and was casted from shoulder to knuckles. Try bending 90° at the waist to do your hair. It’s much easier to reach and use a curling iron, straightener, etc. You probably won’t get “perfect” results, but you’ll feel better about your hair. Good luck!
Jennifer, I’m sure you were noticed when wearing that beautiful black outfit with the pop of color scarf! You look striking!!
Thank you. I loved the bright pink pop and it’s not usual for me.
I don’t feel invisible very often and when I do, I don’t let it bother me. In fact, I receive many compliments from young women frequently on my hair and clothing. I’m always surprised because my hair is grey, I’m slightly overweight, and am only 5′ 2″. I do have a few strands of silver tinsel woven in my grey hair to catch the light. I wear a “uniform” of sorts: jeans, tee or shirt, jacket, cardigan or vest and a pair of interesting and eye catching shoes or booties. I like subtle jewelry. I’ve worn this “uniform” for years. It seems to suit me. I think it is important to not look like you’re trying too hard.
I agree. Some women can wear anything and never look like they’re trying too hard.
I am very self conscious. I welcome the invisibility that comes with age. That said, I have been dressing up more when I go out. I like to look nice for me!
I love the way you tied your red scarf in today’s post. Looks great!
Your outfit for the symphony was gorgeous, that scarf made the whole outfit.
I like flying under the radar, no need to be noticed. I still want nice outfits but I don’t want to spend much time dealing with clothes. That is why I read your blog so I don’t spin my tires shopping.
I’m sorry you almost ended up in the bike path, I’ve been in a similar situation. When walking in a crowd, I’m usually the one who yields.
I enjoy dressing for myself and for what activity I am attending. I am 73.
I really notice people if all ages hogging the pavement. Often when people are chatting or on their phone. I often say a loud beep beep ! The reaction can be priceless. I think a lot of people young and older have left good manners at the door especially since Covid!
I use public transportation often in Victoria bc . It is rare to be offered a seat. I do ask people to move bags , feet etc.
not good.
I speak up too. I’m appalled at the lack of manners these days.
I used to be invisible—overweight, homely looks, stringy hair. Then came the pandemic. I lost weight, but remain immunosuppressed due to a medication I take. I go nowhere inside without a mask. I dress in my usual elevated sporty style. I have a long gray pony tale. My posture is strong and I have a crisp gait. I am now very visible. People of all ages see me, but I am most impressed with the younger people who work in the places I go. They chat with me, remember my name. Being visible has been a great thing for me…and I live in Southern California. I’m 75. Who knew?
Posture has a huge impact on how people see us. Good for you!!
I definetely feel the ‘invisibility’ thing. I’m 71 and it’s a common enough occurrence that people just don’t see me. It’s definetely weird. I guess I was around 60 something when I first noticed it. I’m glad you brought it up. I dress for myself and always have. i don’t even own a dress. I wear levis, T shirts, denim shirts over most of the time. I do wear leggings and t shirts when I go to the gym. Such an interesting topic. I admire your sense of style.
What a timely post Jennifer!
I was bumped into and quite hard by a young woman! I am not sure how she didn’t see that I was standing there? It shocked me but I didn’t think to say something.
I dress for myself…have a small wardrobe and am currently really embracing vintage denim and white shirts with jeans and white sneakers. I feel energized when I wear this type of outfit…and usually some pearls.
Thank you for keeping up with your blog. I know it is a lot of work
Leslie
Hostess of the Humble Bungalow
Thanks for sharing Leslie. That happens more times than I like to think. Many older people get knocked off balance which can be dangerous!
I dress for myself and what I feel comfortable in. I haven’t thought about being invisible and I will be 60 in June. Age is just a number…it’s how you feel inside it what’s most important. If you feel young, people will assume you are!
I’ve given the issue of invisibility some thought and realize I have never experienced that feeling. What I have noticed is that people view me as a senior woman (which I am, age 74), and are ready and willing to assist me with my bag, doors, whatever, even though I am able to manage on my own. I love it, and often accept help with thanks. As far as fashion goes, I love nice cloths and put a bit of effort into my look, but sadly I rarely pay attention to what others wear.
I make it a real point to compliment other women if I can tell they’ve made an effort. The look on their faces never varies … surprise … me?… delighted! It has sparked some nice conversations too. I do feel invisible, but I choose not to react. I spent decades as a plus size woman, and boy, does it take inner confidence to enjoy clothes and shopping in our society when you are a 2x and many designer brands say a size 12 is xl. I decided long ago that -nobody- defines me but me, and I would never pass an activity by that I wanted to do, just because of my size. I knew I was “there” when I went out into a department store from the fitting room in bathing suits to get my husband’s opinion. I thought nothing of it, but the clerk said women never parade around and turn around in the public places while trying on swimwear (wish I could have shown her your recent blog post :)). Shine with your inner light … if young people don’t “see” you, say so what and move on.
Bravo!!! That’s fabulous
Linda that is Bravo! You are a lady that exhibits a lot of self confidence (IMHO). I believe self confidence shines through from inside to the outward side and is a beautiful asset to have.
Jennifer I see the people not moving over on walk ways and similar activity etc (young and old), I just think a segment of society has become so self absorbed…….so now that I’m older, I mean more mature :), I use it as opportunity to say good morning ladies or what ever to catch their attention. Maybe they’ll do the same one day.
I have been tall my whole life and always relegated to the back row in school and family photos. Now that I’m 63 with natural gray hair, I find that I have the habit of dressing to blend in and not wearing pretty colors or patterns to make me noticeable. Old habits die hard…
They do Mary. I find tall women striking!
At 72 I haven’t experienced the invisable syndrome yet, but I am also 5 ‘8″. I dress to please myself and consider every day an opportunity to make up a new outfit, even if I never plan to leave the house. At our age, we are given the advice to wear nuetrals, blacks and avoid loud colors and prints. It’s no wonder we become invisable. If you pick carefully you can wear all those things. I’m in jeans, a solid rose tee and a matching cotton bomber jacket and canvass dockers, ready to hit the garden store.
The best thing to wear is a smile. I am 88 and it is my favorite thing to wear. Plus a smile lets people know they are visible and noticed. It’s what most of us appreciate most of the time…being acknowledged.
That said, in retirement, I have more time to think about what I wear which is pretty classic understated stuff. Your blog keeps me on my toes about what I put on each day so I don’t slide back into a sweatshirt and jeans mode. Thanks.
When i was in my early 50’s i had a friend over 60 tell me that women become invisible once they turned 60. I thought it was just her imagination. Boy was i wrong! I’m 68 now and wish i could tell her how right she was. On the rare occasion when someone does hold the door or ask if i need help reaching something (mostly in a grocery store), it now catches me off guard. I always make it a point to smile, thank them and to say something like “have a great day”. In a small way I hope it encourages them to continue to help people older than them.
I think it does. I always hold doors for people who are following in behind me, no matter their age. It’s simply polite.
Yes! Yes! I definitely feel like I’m not seen.
But like Mel, I wear a smile and it’s amazing how many folks will smile back.
I love fashion & really enjoy wearing nice clothes.
We all love a compliment!
Your sight really helps keep me current.
When I was younger, I felt invisible. I was a busy mom and just threw on clothes, never put on make up or cared about my hair. My priorities were my kids and my husband.
After an unwanted divorce, I retired, moved to another State, purchased my own lil home and I live alone. I now put thought into my clothing, my makeup and my hair, and I feel like I am no longer invisible.
That’s wonderful
I’m in my 70s and have been ignored in retail settings many times. I think it would be wise for retailers to realize that often our over 50 or 60 age group has more disposable income to spend than younger people. Just good business sense, besides good manners, to pay attention to us!
Thank you for addressing this reality. It is, unfortunately true and very disrespectful. Even here in Canada where people think everyone is so “polite”. Not in this regard!
Wow! Lots of comments on invisibility. Very cute splurge outfit today, and I guessed it correctly based on the beautiful details of the blouse and the purse. Thanks for the fun!🤩
My husband guessed it by the blouse details 😄
I have another point of view to share. I have often noticed that if I have a pleasant look on my face, or a small smile and make eye contact people of all ages smile back, especially younger people in fact. I live in a condo where there are lots of younger residents. They seem very happy to respond to me in a pleasant way if I make a light comment in the elevator about the weather, or whatever.
I think we need to be aware of how we present to others. If we look and feel confident and positive people won’t overlook us. Dressing in a way that makes us feel great increases our confidence. So as a woman in my early 70s I try to dress to look and feel my best.
I love looking at your fashionable outfits to give me ideas!
thanks
Excellent point!! Being engaged and vital has a big impact on our visibility as we age.
I enjoyed reading your insightful post. Your experience on the sidewalk is simply rude, self-absorbed behavior; some people are just oblivious to others these days, sadly. I have had similar experiences and respond like you by standing my ground.
In terms of fashion, I dress in a way that makes me feel good so I do put a lot of thought into putting together an outfit, not necessarily to be noticed but to feel good and be comfortable. I am a fan of Eileen Fisher as well so enjoy seeing how you style these items. Because I am interested in staying current I am thankful to have newsletters like yours to give me style ideas so many thanks for that.
Thanks Elizabeth. I think it’s most important that we dress in a way that allows us to feel most confident.
There’s a cozy mystery series based on the concept of the invisibility of older women, written by Lorena McCourtney. The first book in the series is titled “Invisible”!
I’ll have to pick up the first book! Sounds intriguing!
I’ll be reading that. I’m one of the invisible who refuses to stay that way! I smile a lot and dress fashionably always and notice people respond to that. It’s hard being 84 because people discount your value. Don’t allow it and keep fighting!
Discounting our value is what annoys me the most!! I won’t stand for it.
It’s no excuse but I think young people are self absorbed, especially these days. They may not have seen you until the last moment but should have said I’m sorry or at least smiled their apologies.
As to being invisible, men stop seeing you when you are no longer young and beautiful, even when they are no longer young, strong and handsome. Sadly, it’s our world.
I dress for myself. I feel most confident when I’m dressed elegant and classy. I’m not one for bright colours or big jewelry.
Great point. Older men deal with invisibility too.
The problem you mention seems to be in epidemic proportions in Vancouver. You cant walk down the street without either bumping into someone (sometimes on purpose) or having to wait like you did. Its the “me” generation now and they expect everyone to cater to them. Glad I taught my kids to be more respectful.
I taught my children and I’m proud that my son is teaching my grandson too!
The splurge blouse easily gave it away – sleeve details & the nice way it accenuates yr waistline. Walking 4 abreast is ridiculous unless you are out in the wilderness – not a city sidewalk. People can be so unaware.
I am 69 and uncomfortable with my weight (which I can’t seem to loose) at size 16. I have been pondering this topic of invisibility lately because part of me wants to be invisible out of fear of being judged fat, but the healthier part of me just wants to look classically chic but not young. I feel I’ve never learned to dress my body since my waist thickened, summer and vacation travel being particular problems. Thanks for your advice.
It’s really hard to dress a changing body. You may need different silhouettes now to help you feel like the vital, stylish woman you are inside. I urge you to not let your weight influence how you step out into the world. People who judge are saying more about their character than your weight.
I agree with you and face the same problem. This getting older (and chunkier) is not fun! And finding clothes that fit well and look appropriate for my style/age (79) is difficult. I’m between a Misses and a Women’s size and neither fit really well.
I’m also 79 and dealing with a 10 lb. Weight gain and all of it is in my torso. My hips and legs are still slim so finding jeans and pants has been part of my challenge. I’m also disabled with balance and chronic pain issues. Because I use a rollator out in public to avoid falling on my face, people notice me but not usually in a nice way. I dress very similarly to you Jennifer, but the save not the splurge. It was the blouse that gave it away for me as well. I actually liked the save outfit more than the splurge. The flowing lines of the save top hide an expanding waist. Chicos size 2P or 12P fit me perfectly and comfortably. Comfort is key at my age but I also like looking good at the same time. I also smile a lot and say hello to people in lines. I would say that Jennifer and Pamela Lutrell keep me current but I dress to please myself.
I feel similarly. I have gained weight over the past 2 years and the only thing that fits me is my leggings. I have been trying to lose weight and don’t want to buy larger clothes but I think I will have to with warmer weather coming. I hate trying on clothes when I am overweight. I am 65.
Please buy yourself some clothes that fit, Mary. You deserve to wear clothes that fit you. You’ll feel better about yourself.
I notice when I walk, most pedestrians coming in the other direction are usually so wrapped up in themselves, either chatting to friends or on the phone they don’t realize they might have to move over to let me pass. I wonder whether this is really an age thing, i.e. we are invisible, or self absorption and lack of manners? I have had women my own age who are oblivious and don’t move to let me pass and young people, who do.
I wonder. I can’t imagine not noticing anyone walking toward me.
@Jennifer I wonder whether men (in particular) don’t hold open doors for women anymore due to ‘equality’. I often read how when men have done so, particularly if the woman is younger, she has responded with a curt, ‘I can do it myself’. But, I agree, manners are on out the nose these days
I wonder!
I certainly have experienced this invisibility too. I am mid 70s so it has been happening for a long time! As soon as we are considered not “attractive” anymore, we become invisible. I have noticed, along with my husband, that a lot of younger people (like 20s and teens) are very rude. It never occurs to them to step out of the way or hold a door open if you are following them into Dunkin Donuts. so annoying! Regarding dressing, I dress for myself. I don’t like to draw attention to myself. Although I find large patterns and busy prints attractive, I would never wear them. My most daring is wearing Johnny Was embroidered blouses and leggings!
Sadly, manners are really lacking in our society these days.
I dress to look nice and feel good. I guess I would say, I like to just blend in. I enjoy wearing colors that look good on me and do get compliments. Being unseen is so frustrating. It happens in stores too, think Pretty Woman😇 I would have been very upset, like you were. I don’t believe the group didn’t see you, they were rude and self-involved. Sadly, see it too often.
Thanks for sharing how you like to dress. I know many women do the same. It’s a struggle for women who don’t want to blend in.
Fantastic topic Jennifer, thanks for sharing recent encounter. The invisible feeling and actions have been happening to me for several years. I do my best to be on trend with my clothing, I take very good care of my skin, have my hair professional cut & colored. My husband is 7 years older than me, he gets noticed, anyone else notice that, I get the door closed in my face. As men age, women find it attractive and men admire them.
So, guess we 70+ women, let’s look them straight in eye and let them know, we yearned the right to age gracefully!
Exactly!!
I had the exact same thing happen to me last week on the sidewalk. I did the same thing you did, just stopped in my tracks. The three young gentlemen were truly surprised to see me standing there! They said sorry but I was too irritated to respond!
Ditto! They were shocked to see me standing there. Sadly they said nothing.
P.S. I often get compliments, so I don’t feel invisible at all (even at 81 years old).
That’s awesome
Jennifer, I definitely dress to please myself but also to communicate to the world that I am visible and vital. I try to make my clothing choices based on whether or not the outfits flatter my figure and reflect my mood. Most of the time I am upbeat, so I choose colorful, coordinated pieces that seem easy to put together but intentional at the same time.
Bravo!
I don’t remember feeling invisible as I’ve always noticed people looking at me, whether it’s due to what I wear, I’m not certain. I was in the fashion business for many years when I was younger, so I always dressed a bit trendy and I love unique accessories.
The last 2 years with my hair white, I’ve had a lot of looks and compliments from both men and women. When I went through chemo and wore scarves or hats, the looks I got were more of pity, but did I care? Nope. I just looked at them and smiled.
I would much rather stand out than blend in.
Thank you for sharing Vyonne. Standing out takes confidence which many women begin to loose as they age.
The topic of invisibility as we get old really hits a nerve for me! As an overweight woman over 50, I often feel doubly invisible (if that’s possible). Although I take great care with my appearance and grooming, I’ve had men of all ages stop holding a door open for me when I approached the entrance, literally letting it slam in my face! Interestingly, I’ve never once had a woman over 50 “not see” me. I try to compliment other women as often as possible, because I know how good it feels to receive a compliment and feel seen. Hoping in some karmic way that will counteract the invisibility we older women face far to frequently.
Thank you for sharing, Kelly. I think you’re right about being doubly invisible. There’s a prejudice against overweight people in our society that’s simply intolerable!
Invisibility, what a great topic. I thought about this a lot and feel invisible often as a small petite, but chunky older woman.
1. I’m not threatening. My 6‘3“, 260 pound son-in-law would not be ignored on a busy street, or walked into.
2. I’m not sexy. I’m older, heavy with an apple shaped figure.
3. I’m not rich. We live a very comfortable lifestyle and I try to dress nicely, but usually very casually I’m not projecting glamour with diamonds and gold Jewelry everywhere.
So, no power, no sex, no money.
These are things people notice and I am ignored. As you said, these people are shocked to see you standing there. I don’t think it’s deliberate. It’s almost subliminal. I will say it is very rude to walk a breast down a busy sidewalk. If people do this to me, I will still like you did with my elbows out and if they happen to walk into an elbow, it’s not my fault. I’m only protecting myself.
What can we do to come at us? I think dressing confidently stylishly with a little bit of bright color might help. But I don’t think it will totally eliminate the invisibility problem. As others have said older women need to acknowledge other older women and let them be seen and complement them for who they are.
You become more invisible the older you get. I’m in my late 70’s and try hard to look modern, not young, with my clothing, hair and makeup. I receive compliments from my peer group, but outside of that I often feel invisible. I have even walked into a Talbots or Chicos store and have not been greeted or approached by a sales associate. This in a retail setting, not just on the street.
Not being greeted in Talbots or Chicos, who cater to older women, is rude and bad business on their part.
I wore scrubs and dress clothes at different times in my career. Invisibility was definitely a factor when I was in my scrubs. Clothes make a huge difference!
Invisibility is real for women over 50. Or, at least that’s been my experience. With fashion, there’s a misperception in media, I think, that all older women have to replicate the venerable Iris Apfel with bright clothes and chunky jewellery in order to be considered stylish. I haven’t changed my personal style (classic-elegant) just because I’m older. Staying true to who you are is important. And, while it’s galling to be ignored, I try not to take it personally.
Great points! There are ways to dress to be more visible without bright colors and chunky jewelry, although many women love to do it that way.
Thanks for writing a post concerning invisibility. I think that it starts between 50 and 60 and the older you get the worse that it gets. I am 73 and for me it has been happening for a long time. Its not just from women, its from men also. I was at a Starbucks lately inside with my daughter sitting in chairs drinking our coffee. There was three older guys, older than 50, sitting at a table, they kept looking over and I smiled but neither of them responded. It was as if I didn’t exist. I have had to move over on a sidewalk and even looked straight at people and smile or say hi and nothing. This is so rude, I was not raised like this. How sad is this.
You’re not alone. I’ve had people look right through me. It’s unnerving.
Sometimes I want to stand out, other times I don’t want to. I’ve been told that my long, platinum gray hair makes me stand out, so I don’t necessarily want to dress so as to be noticeable.
Your striking hair would be very noticeable.
If I am just heading to the supermarket for a quick trip, I am usually in comfort clothing (joggers & sneakers) and happy to blend in and go unnoticed, but if I am attending a wedding or going on vacation, I want a beautifully coordinated outfit that makes me feel amazing! And, getting a few compliments is always nice bonus
Compliments are a beautiful way to be acknowledged.
Jennifer, well said and so true! My outlook is – our country promotes youth like it’s a religion. Respect and acknowledgment of older adults is almost non existent. I am happy to fly under the radar but my career involved high pressure visibility in my fashion too. I cannot change other’s pathetic behavior. So I wear what I feel good in and enjoy my life!
Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I like being under the radar occasionally, but generally, it frustrates me. I hate to be discounted for any reason.